Purely Your Imagination

vera in context.

vera's johari

(ripped this somewhere which i think is really true!) ARIES WOMAN >> >>She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal >>frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things >>and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even >>real, so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. >>She >>think only good things so she prepares and always make arrangement for >>herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed. >> >>If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This >>seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face >>mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, >>slight tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing >>or mixture of character. >> >>Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She >>thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize >>everything from her childhood. When she faces with problems, she will >>handle them and solving them very well, and at the same time showing other >>people >>that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems in >>crisis better than many other Zodiac. Once she determine to do thing, >>nothing will stop her. >> >>Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another >>woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirty >>dancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek. >>She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold >>and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she >>choose you, she will need to be proud of you. >> >>"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is >>"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She >>plans her life, and socially life easily and very carefully. She is also >>very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance >>because she loves ambition and a good life. She need lots of love, but do >>not >>want and do not belief in an occasional or unconventional love. >> >>She is a proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come >>from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth >>anyway (certainly there are always exception). She always look cool even >>when she is not. She like to make people see her as "secure and confident" >>even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you >>can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time. >> >>You never have all her times, for she likes to work hard and also spent >>some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a >>"Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most >>likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is a romantic and >>artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her >>beautiful >>imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan. >> >>A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a high >>point, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will >>not show her ambition, but she will show that she satisfy with herself >>now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but sure. >> >>If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is >>stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person, >>but in fact she can stick you down like a super glue without you knowing >>it.

i want/i need.

air. love. food. air. air. air.

long overdued. and fate.

i dont think i've told anyone bout this dream i'd always have every once in awhile, well, perhaps just joy or eepei. they're the closest girlfriends i really have. oh, besides cassan, depending on what issues click. cassan will be sex talk sex talk smoke, sex talk agian. haha! and the rest, dont matter as much. not to say i dont cherish, i suppose everyone knows where they stand, how much effort they've put in... oh where was i?

oh yes, this dream. i used to have recurrence appearance of this same faceless guy in my dreams, situations varies but he will always appear, 'save' me from seomthing, hug me... somehow i just know he's definitely 'the one'. it does sound a little absurd, the way i'm putting it. i admit i'm sounding like one of those silly girls who swoon after 5566 and crazily wish for a dramatic happily ever after with one or hopefully all 5(or is it 6?) of them.

but if you know me, i detest 5566 and most of the no 'shi li' taiwanese(especially) boybands. i know it's not helping, but, i do love mayday. ah, that aside, the dream. somehow, in those dreams i always feel really comfortable with this faceless guy. not that he's really faceless, he does have a face in my dreams but i'm never able to remember that face once i woke up. i dont know how to put it, but i just woke up knowing that i just dreamt of my 'happily ever after' - again.

no matter how happy, how commited i was in all previous relationships, the appearance of this mysterious guy in my dreams, never stop. and somehow i know, that guy is never any of the guys i was with. even tk. i mean i did dream of my current bfs too, but even so, i didnt feel that kind of 'specialness' or comfort i did in that faceless guy dreams.

so i did tell (either joy or eepei) at one(really just once) point when i met this guy(whom i cant even remember which, but let's name him A or it's gonna get confusing), that i felt maybe A is the guy in my -literary- dreams. cos, once, i did dream of A in the same kind of situation dreams and i thought i felt the same comfort i felt in my previous dreams. but i didnt confirm. and now i confirm guarantee chop it's not him.

why? well, definitely not cos we didnt end up together. but cos now that i've met jianwei, i no longer have any of those kind of dreams anymore. i dont really know what this means either but all i can say is that i recognise that kind of 'specialness' and comfort i had with the faceless guy dreams, whenever i'm with jianwei.

i have to say, i'm very very lucky and am grateful that we met each other. and i daresay, he feels the same way too. every single time we meet up, there's this unspoken connection and chemistry between us. ok, before anyone throw up, i'll stop here.

but i really thank cassan and cliff for bringing us together, unintentionally.

now, this is where i am gonna talk bout next, fate. i guess not many believe in it. or probably paseh to admit they do. well, i do, believe in it and paseh to admit it too. (ya laugh, nevermind one.)

reason why i do stupid things that had sarah questioned if i'm in love with her is that i believe in fate. i dont exactly know how to make this sound more... or, less insane. but well, i believe when i get the chance to meet anyone, in any way, with the prospect of a friendship, i'll definitely put in my part of effort to be a friend, should i say, to be nice. i believe everyone in my life that i meet, is for a reason, because of fate. oh by the way, i'm gonna stop mentioning fate, just know i do believe in it ok.

for example, nic, i've never once went out with her, we've probably only met once or twice, say hi and bye. we've exchanged conversation online, read a little bout each other in our blogs...and i find it amazing she might be my alter ego, by the similarities we do share. but if one day, if there comes a day, she desperately needs my help, for one reason or another, i'll sincerely try my best to help, even though we've barely built a substantial friendship between us. this is how much i value the people i meet, (and of course) are relatively nice to me.

and cassan, we've definitely been through a lot, i'd say more than the 14yrs of friendship joy and i share, cos there were more ups and downs. but all things turned out fine, she's said she's sure i'm one friend who'll definitely stay for life. and for that, i promised myself i'll stay in her (sex)life for life too. haha.

and so for someone like sarah, whom we've shared several nice hanging-outs during our singlehood; whom she's claimed she's neglected her bestest friends for awhile because of me, it's not surprising that i do value this friendship too.

well yes, i admit i took a wrong path, made mistakes, hurt her. which i do regret and am awfully sorry about. but i'm sure she knows, my initial intentions were sincerely just to help. and really, not that i am brushing off the wrong i did, but she really is one of the hardest people i've met to deciphere what she does say. of cos, anyone can say if i do value the friendship so much, i'd not have taken my innermost instincts for granted.

this is where i'm gonna touch on my other belief. i believe in not regretting about having not done somethng. i'd rather do something, to regret bout it later - should it turn out wrong, than to hold the regret of not having done it cos i'll never in my life know how it would have turn out if i did do it.

thus, that lengthy, prideless message to eunice. that was seriously the last resort, which i told myself, if that still doesnt help, i can at least tell myself, i've really really tried my best, and am ready to let go.

eunice, she's one girlfriend anyone would love to have. with no prejudice, she's loyal and dignified and downright fucking bitchy to the people you'd (secretly) want your friends to be to. i dont blame her for acting the way she did, as a bestfriend of sarah. but i'll admit, to say things in my own shoes, i do feel like sitting on that puny stuck up bitch.

and in all honesty(like this entry isnt sickeningly honest enough), in parts, my reason for wanting to salvage the friendship between sarah and i, is also cos we're linked by several other friends, i do cherish.

i'm not saying i'm afraid that they might turn to side sarah because she's right, i was wrong. i know this group of friends are not that sort, that's why i bothered to cherish them. (there's no pyschological manipulating here, dont worry. if you feel otherwise, i dont blame you. really.) i'm saying cos of this gap between sarah and i, i do feel uneasy bout hanging out with them now. yes, it's called guilty-conscious. i just cant pretend that nothing happened, i did no wrong, everything's fine, yeah, we're all still friends. i cant do the pretending shit.

and as much as i do often feel like smsing or tagging blogs of people like, sam, to ask if they're still well, etc, i cant bring myself to do it. everytime i read bout certain entries, the guilty conscious part emerge and i cant help but feel, hey maybe she's talking bout me.

i broke down a couple of times, mainly because i sincerely feel i've let sarah, and myself, down. but i can honestly swear it's never ever for the fear of losing friends and being left alone. i've enough friends whom i know will definitely stay till the end. and now that i've finally done this entry, it's cos i'm ready to tell myself to let go. i'm not gonna continue begging for a reconcile of the friendship, i've definitely put down enough pride and done enough of sincere apologies.

i'll let things be. sarah, if you're reading this, those times were great and thank you.

and to someone else, whom i've given enough chances in these few years i've known you. really, stop taking the people around you for granted. we do love and care for you. but there are limits to this dedicated giving, you have to know that. i'm not gonna name you - yet. and dont ask me who is it or if it's you, i wont say. though i've never mentioned, everything that happened between us, and things that you've been keeping from me, i do know. but i'm giving you the benefit of doubt that you're changing, and i'm ready to help you to find your way back. but you've gotta know, the least i like about the things people do in friendships, is to be taken for granted. i do give a lot of chances, i do come to you whenever i know you need me most, but i wont stay forever if i know i'm not cherished. if all things work out, i promise you, i can be the best of friends you'll ever have. no shame, i know, but if you know who you are, you'll know what i'm talking about. stop over-valuing the things in life, that should not matter.

alright, something less solemn, jianwei, cassan, cliff, eepei, her bf and i are going either batam for hols in july. most probably batam cos it's way cheaper and both places offers the same kind of stuff. we'd love it if there's a big, make it huge, group of people going. it doesnt matter if you dont have a gf/bf to bring along, really. it's not a honeymoon trip for us, we'll tell you when it is. so, as cassan instructed me to ask around, anyone who's interested, do leme know. if your available timing, etc fits, welcome aboard. =)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 at 2:50 AM

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