I had ended the previous entry with “my dearest grandma”, and since I still feel terribly bad after speaking too loudly to her about some annoying issue created by my irritating aunt, I shall dedicate today’s entry to this wonderful woman who had took care of me when I was but a baby.
I remember the times when she cuddled and kissed me with her wrinkly lip, the times she carried me with her frail hands to my cot to soothe me to sleep and the times she chased me around the house at least 5 pace slower than me just to make me have my bath.
I too remember the rebellious and angry girl I was, pinching her when she forbade me to draw on the wall. I had screamed and shouted at her when told not to do this or that. All these ‘bad’ memories that she probably has forgotten by now, have been clinging guiltily and regretfully on my chest like a rock.
The naughty and cheeky girl that I was (and still am), liked to pull her large pieces of bras and underwear out from her wardrobe and fling them around. The more embarrassing moments include having a relative opening the lower door of the fridge and looking at granny undies, instead of vegetables; and the time when I flung her bra into the big pot of steamboat in the middle of the dining table; and of course, the usual Ultraman performance with her panties worn on my head.
While the kind of enjoyment and humor we both derived from these episodes are very much different then, we never fail to have lots of laugh with each other.
My grandma has always been someone who loves cleanliness a lot and she will get paranoid of the slightest bit of dirt on the floor, of my feet getting black, of me kissing and leaving saliva stains on the windows, etc. I remember the painful memory of her scrubbing my feet and hands raw with the dishwasher sponge when my dad drew cartoons on them. I was wailing and screaming from pain while she kept mumbling, heedlessly, “you dirty, dirty girl!” Nevertheless, this lady who is so afraid of being dirty, allowed me to give her short, perm hair a wash by spitting saliva onto her head. Yes, saliva, and not just the watery kind. I would make sure it was the foamy kind so that it resembled the look of shampoo on hair. And she laughed about it to my parents.
Most of these memories have clung on to my grandma and have been retold again and again, especially when she sees me on Chinese New Years. She would re-count of the little girl who came back from preschool and start peeling all her clothes off. Stripped bare to her panties, she would lie on the cool marble floor and demand for a: BIG, BLACK bottle of RIBENA. Then she would affectionately announce that that little girl is now a big, pretty girl.
My grandma though exceptionally loving to her grandchildren, can be quite a miser. She used to eat instant noodles and biscuits for meals just to save the extra buck, even when she could have been chewing on big chunks of abalones everyday. Thus it had been expected that she had always been giving the smallest red packets among our relatives, 6bucks per grandchild.
Up till last year, I was very amazed to find an increase to the red packet. Mine held the much loved, big, blue note of 50 dollars and I was suspicious if her eyes were failing her. When questioned if she had packed wrongly, she brushed it off with a wave of her hand and said, “I don’t know if I can even live to another Chinese New Year, so why not!”
Those simple words sent a weird chill down my spine and left me feeling immensely sad. I wanted to tell her off for speaking like that. I wanted to show my resentment for cursing herself. But I could not. Neither could I stop the tears from welling up.
Death is more than a scary thought.
Friday, February 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
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Just as I thought I was going to be droned to sleep by the constant chattering of the two irritating Indian women beside me, an old lady in her late 50s got into the cabin. Her face all wrinkled with age and her hands gnawed and twisted, she was carrying 3 Cold Storage plastic bags. Suddenly awake, I couldn’t help staring at her, even the string of what sounds like profanity to my ears had stopped beside me.
Before you yawn and think that I’m one of those people who do not like the elderly and have taken to joke about them in exaggeration. Please, do not think twice on reading on for I’m about to introduce a walking fashion disaster who probably thinks that she had just walked out of Vogue magazine, feeling glamorous and sexy.
Wearing a long red cheong sum dress with a slit from her ankle right up to her thigh, revealing a pair of legs draped in black stockings, one would think that she’s, perhaps, working at some cheena nightclubs. Except, she looks so… totally unattractive and undesirable that one will quickly brush that thought away.
Our Miss Pageant wannabe, had her short cropped gold hair swept behind on both sides with gel and her fringe raised in spikes and colored in pink and green. She had her saggy skin of her upper eyelid shadowed in gold and lined in black. Two pastel color of dark pink smacked on both sides of her cheeks looked like the pink printing on the skin of chunks of uncooked pork we sometimes see in the market. Her lips, the exact kind of pattern Jack Neo had improvised when acting as Liang Po Po, was in dark blood red. Yes, go on and imagine dark blood red on those sagging skin.
By now you might have an image of this beautiful old lady in mind, imagining how you will die of heart attack should you happen to see her in dark alleys. Ha.
Still, I would like to go on telling you how much this old lady had left a deep impression on me. Like dressing like something that was left behind from the last lunar month of July is not enough, Miss-I-Think-I-Look-Like-Gong-Li here, took a seat opposite me. She then took off her red 3inches platform shoes, revealing ugly toes sticking through the holes of her stockings, and stretched her legs outright in front of her and gave a loud, wide yawn that flared her nostrils and bared her blacken and crooked teeth for all to see. I swear I kind of smelt the stink of rotten garbage just when she opened her mouth. Must have been coincident, I guess.
By now, if I had been with my group of loud, crazy and ignorant friends, we would have been sniggering our heads off. But since I was alone, I didn’t want to be mistaken for a lunatic laughing to myself in trains. So I bent my head as loud as possible and hid a suppressed laugh.
Recalling this incident at home always had me in fits of laughter, and I went on wondering how the grandchildren of this special old lady would feel if they had seen her in public, that way. And I thought of my grandma who would never be persuaded to even go to the void decks of her house if she had not worn her bra and changed into long pants and a nicer looking blouse.
My, am I proud of my dearest grandma!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 at 11:53 PM
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almost start tonight's entry with the predictable lines when one got out of love:
my life whirled to a stop and suddenly everything before me lies meaningless and i'm standing here out of place and lost.
well, almost.
just like i almost got out of the relationship-again.
18 years of my life, dealing with a temperamental mother; who will suddenly scream at me just after caringly (and sweetly) tell me that there's food in the kitchen; one might think that i've grown and learnt to deal with relationships better.
no, i still cant.
not even when i see with my own eyes, how my dad always manage to damage the relationship each time i carefully build with him; cos he cant express his love through a better way and cut down the authoritarian methods he uses in his family.
and, not even losing friendships after friendships.
no.
i used to think that maybe it's not my fault.. everything happened the way it did cos i'm unfortunate to always meet people with this or that 'error'.
tonight struck a weird note on me, i want to truly sit down and analyse whatever that had happened between him and me just now. i really want to know what i had done wrong, if it's really someone else or it's just me all along.
but even so, i cant help coming up with reasons of why i had behaved this or that way.
i mean, i cant exactly just take all the blame when i do know that there's a reason behind something i did wrong right?
or maybe i should?
i'm confused.
and something reminds me of what i said in my profile in my friendster:
i'm someone whose tempermental self n egoistical pride often get in the way; thus ruinin relationships.
i mean, having that said doesnt make it justified that i can behave in this or that manner-of course. but it's ironic how sudden the words i had used to actually described myself, dawn a new meaning on me.
there must be something about myself that i have to change.
but now, i still cant pinpoint my own shortcoming.
well anyway, back to almost losing the most treasured relationship in my life now.
he suggested a break up cos he was furious with me. in my opinion, the matter started because being my own blur self, i didnt think of informing him what should have been important for him to know. and thus caused some trouble. and when i asked him to call to tell me what exactly had happened, he lost his temper after explaining.
i'm really someone who lives without a brain once i'm upset. and truly, i'm upset with him scolding me over the phone. i'm upset each time he starts scolding me of cos, and being me, i just want to shut everything out cos at that point of time, i thought since i'm working i cant deal with whatever he's putting me through. i ended the conversation with a rubbish solution that i had blurted out of anger and would have slammed the phone had i not been using a handphone.
and there, he suggested a break up.
i'm geniunely heart-broken i couldnt help but cried openly at the open space of the pushcart i was tending. it was embarrassing but at that point of time, i could think of nothing but to cry. silly as it may sound. i just thought that all of a sudden, there's no meaning to go on working anymore. no point to carry on sitting at the lousy pushcart and trying to stay awake and serve every bloody customer even when i'm so totally not in the mood to even smile. but all that for the one golden night of memorable happiness i wanted to give, i didnt mind. it's silly of course, i speak of these now, especially in such a situation, i might seem as though i'm bragging of the sacrifices i'm willing to do for love.
if that's what you think, all i can say is that i'm honestly not bragging or purposely putting this in so that people might think that i'm this perfect girlfriend willing to do anything or whatsoever crap. i'm just trying to emphasize on how i felt then.
oh but what the heck am i doing explaining myself silly.
fuck it.
and fuck my thought of wanting to run across the busy road and let the cars have me.
Monday, February 21, 2005 at 10:51 PM
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Today's planetary energies
Something that you feel you need to accomplish career wise could be driving you in a big way today, YIWEN. Both your ambition and your willingness to put in a lot of hours doing tedious, mundane work are operating at a high level, and therefore you could well accomplish wonders toward reaching your goal. The only downside is that you might push yourself too hard. Get help if you can. You'll want to feel just as motivated tomorrow.
a recap of my goals of late:
i've been thinking of earning of a memorable night, for another pair of levis and Zara pants, for some tops at esprit, for a new handphone and then finally, to own a pushcart of my own.
i seriously very tired. like dried out.
luckily for me, i've him-who'll always be there.
Sunday, February 20, 2005 at 11:51 PM
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work ended at 9 and still consumed with anger over the bloody aunt accusations incident, i realised shopping in town can be a drag. oblivious of the fact that i've been crawling the streets of orchard road with an ugly scowl for the last half an hour, i met my friend and greeted her with a forceful smile. and she told me she had been looking at me for some time i look like i'm ready to kill.
couldnt care less. all i needed tonight was a shoulder and a comforting hug. and there's only one person in the world who can provide me with, and he's out with the rabbit who just cam back.
tried tons of excuses for him to suggest a meet up later when he's done with his 'gathering' but you know, you can angrily scream at your man to 'go and die' and they ask you, "but why??"
so when i've walked myself from heeren to PS. yes i fucking walked there! cos of the bloody chingay that caused the buses to not be able to go into town. anyway, i couldnt come up with anymore hints so i just told him straight that i needed to see him.
ok, and here's where i start crediting him. (haha.) so glad he was able to meet up even when he was supposedly with his friend.. not only could he provide me with a shoulder and a comforting hug, his patient ears for my angry retorts and his thoughtful advices are very much appreciated.
he's the best gift God(or whoever) has ever given to me. that's why next week, the day this wonderful guy is born, should not be left "un-celebrated". i just love him so so much.
Saturday, February 19, 2005 at 1:43 PM
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this must be a day to call for celebration. i've too many things i can get extremely happy about, i cant point a finger to an exact one to concentrate my happiness on! haha. of cos, this is being lame. females are made to multi-task.
alright, lets cut the crap and get on with how lady luck who's suddenly shining on me. =)
first, my accessories(2 brooches) at ztamp were borrowed by magazine to be featured next month. to be honest, i'm extremely proud of that. haha..
second, while i was walking around at far east with dear yesterday, this girl from Juice mag asked to interview me so i'll be featured in mag again. hehs. (then again, i fear i might appear horrendously ulgy again..)
third, my grandpa decided to give me a 260bucks ang pao this year.
fourth...... ok, i guess that's all.
haha.
oh yes, HK trip was very nice. bought lots of things. of which i'm extremely happy with the good buy is the fake branded watches i got for myself and dear.
bluffed dear that i'll only be home on friday, so cant spend Valentines with him. he actually believed me.. haha..
went to NP on monday jus before his class ends to surprise him. haha, judging from his grin, he was more than surprised. plus the watch i gave him, he says he likes it a lot. this year's the 2nd Valentines i've spent with someone, and whom i love so much. while we did nothing special to celebrate the day(just walking around PS and running errands for Hanting) and having a simple dinner, we know that we've had a great time together.
i love you, you dum dum big head tk!!! muahs... =D
Friday, February 18, 2005 at 11:49 AM
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oh yeah, we(tk n i) caught constantine. it's very good-or maybe slightly over-rated cos i havent catch a movie for quite some time. and keanu reeves is so so WOW! wheet"!! haha..
oh wells, keanu is a dream. the guy who sat beside me through the show, is my life. ^^
Tuesday, February 08, 2005 at 11:50 PM
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in about 9hours time, i'll be in Hong Kong. this is so exciting, it's as though it's my first time travelling! crazed. actually, not really.. i'm kinda feeling a little paranoid about this trip. yes, cos remember that dream about myself puking blood?? yes.. and my aunt says that dreaming bout blood is bad omen..
oh man.. i really wish nothing bad will happen to me, and i especially dont wana die.. i dont want be the first to go and leave tk so alone here...
haha. maybe i'm thinking too much. i'm a paranoic silly girl!
but anyway, since i'm on this, i might as well go on about how much i cant bare to leave -you-
i've never felt so right bout anyone in my life. and i really wish to spend the rest of my life with you. amid all your insecurities of my love for you, i feel a mixture of feelings. some of which makes me smile and think, "this silly boy, if only he knew... how much i love you.", some of which makes me frown a little, exasperation with regrets..
but of cos, i do understand you need the time to re-adjust stuff. to trust me all over again. i dont blame you.
then again, childish it may be, i do wish trust comes as easy as it sounds. for now, and from now onwards, you can be sure my heart wont ever stray again.
cos i just love you so so much....
just the other day, bird was asking, "just how much do you love him? are you willing to die for him?" i guess the latter question is a bit off.
but i'm thinking now... yes, i'm willing to die for him-should there be the need for, of course. i'm no longer, or should i say i am NOT, the kinda girl who'll threaten to kill myself(when dumped) for anyone no matter how much i love him. it's just plain silly and idiotic.
anyway, as i was saying, i'd die for him... in cases where.. maybe he need a certain part of my organ?? ya, you get it, something like pierre png story. hehs.
however, as generous as it may sound that i wouldnt mind giving up my life for him, i think i might still hold back a little. and it's only cos i'm afraid he might be lonely without me. (ok, perhaps you cant help thinking, will he really?) yes, i really think he will.
and yes, it took me so long to realise how much he actually does loves me.
i'm looking forward to a wondeful valentines with you. =)
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oh yes fuck it. i forgot to mention about my lost handphone at the bloody pushcart!! it's a panasonic X70. fuck it. this fucking ugly uncle stole it from me! sonafabitch!! see, i cant hel,p but scold him that. his poor mother.. raise this asshole to a 30plus 40 years old and all he can do is steal a bloody phone from a sweet and innocent girl like me. fuck him, sheesh no i wouldnt wana do that. curse him a thousand horrid deaths. asshole.
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i've just finished the book Mr Maybe by Jane Green. I've just logged on to the net from my workplace again. i've just hung up with sulyn. i've just downed a bloody sinful bottle of Nutella. i've just gave the bloody woman who's been touching the accessories on display for the last 10minutes and not buying a fuck, a cold hard stare. i've just about bored you to death with my "i've justs". and i'm still bored to the core.
everyday's about waking up at the same fucking time, 9am(really, who gets up at that kinda time??!), getting dressed and rushing to work-where i completely rot myself sick here. sheesh, as can see, i dont have a bloody life now. i'm looking forward for school to re-open, where i can have more fun in school and enjoy learning stuff(haha.). ok, but first i've to look forward for registration date. fuck it.
ooh, luckily for me, i've super duper nice hong kong trip to look forward to-except that i'm going with my family, who are NOT the coolest people on earth to go travelling with!
let me explain, beginning with my dad, the worst of the group. he doesnt like to shop and he's afraid of eating anywhere else but restuarants when he's abroad. i hate it cos i'm a shopaholice-everyone knows that, and when's a trip good if you cant try the road-side delicacies(foodies, you'll get what i mean). plus, on top of that, my dad has got a guai pi(weird habit), he likes to wake us up in the middle of the night and order us to drink water and visit the toilet-even if we really dont have to go. really, it's like we're only 3-year-old. *roll my eyes* and he likes to wake up really early in the morning and announce that we all go for a walk and watch sunrise.
like the sun will be different in another part of the world??! and yes, he really likes to take walks in the hotel premises. he'd keep himself awake till late at night just to go for walks at the hotel.
so exciting!
next comes my mom, she's at least 1 quarter of the shopaholic that i'm. and i say 1 quarter, it's because she can be such a spoil sport at shopping. you go shopping and your eyes chance upon the most wonderful thing you've ever seen and it's on sale at a somewhat reasonable price(let's say a Prada bag at $120-which could have cost $300 in singapore), she'll walk over and tell you, "wah lao eh, so expensive! cannot buy."
see, you feel the whole bucket of cold water effect??
then my bro. ok, nothing much to say about him except for hte fact that we dont exactly click when we're outside together. he's so bloody paranoid of being paseh(embarrassed) when he's outside that he'll act all prime and proper and it can be so NOT fun, but he fails to see that the rubbish he throws onto his body which he calls them clothes is definitely more than paseh.
my sis is not going, so let's leave her out of this. =)
i really really wish to go a on a back packing trip one day, especially with my dear. it'll be so so great!! just like how shafik has described to us last night!! it's so fucking cool, he went back packing with his friends in malaysia and went all the way up to thailand or something?? and 4days for only less than 200bucks! lucky lucky shit, they're!
yes, so as i sat at the cafe last night listening to his stories, i really really want to organise some back packing trip soon! (interested parties, just gimme a call!!)
oh, so anyway, let's talk about the book i've read. Mr Maybe. Jane Green should be the next author i'm gonna fall head over heels with, just like Sophie Kinsela(mispelt)-except that she seems to be having a constipation with her books, i'm getting bored with waiting for the next book to come out! anyway, as i was saying, i'm surprised i didnt notice Jane Green any earlier. yes yes, this silly talk about authors is getting somewhat boring.
anyway, Green talks about this girl in her book(mind, it's far more interesting that what i'll be touching on). this girl has got a best friend whom they call each other every single day just to chat about almost anything. reading this book, it kind of makes me feel lonely and fuzzy inside. cos other than tk whom i love more than anyone else in my life(except my family), it so seems that i havent got much good friends, or a best friend whom i can call everyday, anytime just to talk about anything.
and there's this deep yearning in me for someone so dear. someone i can be there for, and someone whom can be here for me, someone-you know-other than my boyfriend.
i dont know what's wrong with me, but it just seems that no one can be particularly close with me. maybe it's my over-paranoia of losing a friend thus becoming more sticky and needy than i want to. i dont know, but sometimes i just cant help it. did i hear loser? yes yes, i do admit that i sometimes am pretty much of a loser. i spend staurday nights at home, sleeping or watching the telly instead of clubbing cos it's ladies' night. wtf.
sometimes i think too that, my parents' strict rules on me also kinda get into my way of several of my friendships. all those invitations to go out late at night went down the drain because i just know i wont be able to make it cos of my bloody parents' rules. and i thought things had been getting better recently. sigh. then they suddenly tighten their grip on me again. i'm probably their dog on a leash.
and the times i told myself that i'm happy to be alone and i want to be alone, by choice, just makes me fel so empty inside. ok, sometimes it's somewhat fulfilling that i'm determine enough to say i want just that and i spend a few days happily enjoy being by myself, except for tk's companionship. but this pessimistic me always,-and i mean always-have days when i feel sorry for myself and i'll just start to feeling empty and all that.
it's so crap, as tho i'm trapped in this cycle, unwilling to walk out.
sigh.
sigh.
anyway, for now-at least-i can tell myself that i'm pretty happy.
if people start making wishes for chinese new year as well, i'll let mine be that i'll be blessed with endless happiness and satisfaction.
Monday, February 07, 2005 at 2:32 PM
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i'm so bloody tired. been so busy with work, with my accessories, with my aunt's stuff.. oh man. i just wana fall down and sleep man.
except Ghost is showing on tv. i really love the show since i was young.
oh hell, i dreamt of myself vomiting blood till i almost die last night. it's so bloody scary and i remember myself thinking that i'm going to die.. it's so real, so scary...
Saturday, February 05, 2005 at 11:54 PM
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i gonna get my bloody license this year! it's a total MUST!! check this out man!!
isnt it way cool?? *slurp* ok, but i shall be realistic. i'm never ever gonna be able to drive that anyway.. so for now, i shall be happy with a fuschia mini-cooper! or perhaps one in black and white checks!!
oh my god! i cant believe my bro downloaded porn in my lappy! i'm so gonna fucking kill him!
but first, i'm gonna have a good laugh at what the stupid woman is doing! haha...
sheesh. i didnt know people can do sex for THAT long and not get bored or tired. it's so silly. and someone as glamorous as paris hilton still does blow jobs for any tom dick harry. haha.. anyway, i dont see what people get so excited bout sex videos. in anyway, it just bore me to the core. *yawn*
Friday, February 04, 2005 at 10:47 PM
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you said you didnt wana meet tonight cos you will meet me earlier tmr, cos you said you wana sleep early tonight.
so what were you doing at 12am, not sleeping early like you said and why cant you just wake up a little earlier to balance off the days when i wake up at 5am just to meet up with you.
wtf. i hate this.
you can jolly well not meet me at all. it so doesnt matter.
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oh, and by the way, i'm blogging from work at centrepoint's pushcart?
fucking cool right?? hehs.. i just hafta lug my lappy to work and i can enjoy free internet access using mac's wireless. super happy lah..
anyway, i'm missing my dearest now. oh fuck, make that not. he just msged to postpone tonight's meeting to tmr.. argh! =(
Thursday, February 03, 2005 at 3:52 PM
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welcome to my new home!! =D
okay, that sounds really cheesy. i've somewhat treat shifting blog as shifting new homes. (i wish.) so i get to revamp everything and really get down to throwing out all the useless junks collecting in my room. sigh.
then, i can get my very much desired wallpapers!
anyway, i havent been blogging for awhile. pretty busy of late. shant bore you with the details of what i've been doing. but part of this period of time had been used to pick myself up from a failed-again friendship.
i've tried all i can for this friendship. i've enough of being lashed in the face, accused of copying your whatever. all that week, i've been missing your company and concerned of your well-being. and the first time in weeks i see you online, u throw a temper on me like i'm some bloody garbage you picked somewhere. i'm also tired of being your last resort.
i love you so much, always thought our friendship is one which will never end, even with our differences. but sometimes i wonder, maybe, just maybe, you've never thought of me as being even a close friend of yours.
anyway, i should have known better. i'm not any part of your life right now. you in your jc and me wasting away..
i really should stop getting so upset with all these rubbish again.
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