29th dec:
-jurong swimming pool:
+quite a disgusting place, pool looks like it's filled with urine-reeks of it too. full of stupid ah bengs and malay bengs-not that i'm racist. smelly toilets and yucky floors.
+wave pool
+slides!!
+meesiam
+lame "round-about"
+had fun though, cos i was with him. =)
-outside swimming complex
+KFC
+burps
+weird stares cos we looked like beggars. ha!
-quiet spot at chinese garden mrt:
+he sang 'lover's concerto'.
+stars gazing.
+heart to heart talks.
+story-tellings.
+promises.
+love.
30th dec:
-bbq at weimings
+shipeng's amazing(but wasted) char siew chicken wings!
+watch china vs sg pingpong games. *LOL*
+tantrum, from me to him. hate it when he's so engrossed with stupid hp games.
+night walk.
+daidee.
+weiming's "self created brownbox" yummy ice cream(chocolate ice cream topped with m&ms, chocolate chips and chocolate suace!)
+for-poks-only bacon bits- potato salad.
+walk to bus stop-with him and weibin.
+had fun.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 at 4:26 PM
Y Y Y
btw, fyi, i had problems of my own too,
it's not like only you have them.
when i didn't reply your msg immediately,
it's not like i'm having fun or smth.
i was dealing with smth more worthy of my time just now,
it's not like what you claimed i was doing.
and i did reply later, didn't i,
it's not like i didn't.
and i do remember our date tonight,
cos it your msg's stored well as a reminder:
31dec mit 9pm.movie,buy bottles,go esplanade,sit by river wait 4 sunrise.tk pics.buy craps.
reminders don't work fine. cos they remind us of stupid things we so want to forget. why doesn't reminders understand what may happen between the period of time when the reminder is set and when the alarm is supposed to go on?
Y Y Y
fuck off you stupid, unworthy-of-my-time piece of shit.
i've had enough-
of you and your constant unreasonable shit
you're giving everyone around you,
even those you claimed to love.
if there's anyone who had let you down,
it's you, yourself.
so it doesn't matter,
cos some loyal friends of yours
will be there with you,
rain or shine,
tolerating your shit.
but if you'll just look back,
how many times does your friends
have to give in to the crap you're
always building up.
be thankful to them then.
but don't hate the rest for the lack of tolerance.
oh, and it's not that i do not admit my faults.
i do.
yes, i'm wrong to have lied,
to have not been there.
but have you ever wonder
why i'd choose someone else's company rather than yours?
well, here comes 10 things i hate about you:
1. i hate it when you constantly think how someone's going to let you down.
2. i hate it when you so often let your foul mood affect the whole of an outing.
3. i hate it when you expect people to give in to your demands just cos you're feeling like shit. it's not like poeple around you don't have days like that. did you do the same then, if your friends had felt that way?
4. i hate it when you think only you can dress the best, or only you know the best, or only you can do the best.
5. i hate it when you think each remark anyone make, or any look anyone give you, is to insult you.
6. i hate it when you insultingly 'tease' me about particularly anything. please. know. the. limits.
7. i hate it when you call my names like "aunty", just perhaps cos, you're simply too kiddy.
8. i hate it when you always think of ways where i'd have let you down, especially when you claimed i've friends now and thus no longer need you. i have friends all this while, if you'll just realise. stop thiking that your friendship with me is a charitable act on your part, cos i don't want, or need it.
9. i hate it when you are able to raise my hopes one moment and bring them all crashing down the other.
10. i hate it when you simply have the ability to be on my mind, nevertheless.
once again, if i may empasize, no one has let you down more than you've let yourself down. so many times you'd have deal with things, regarding your friendships in a better way, but it's your fuck-up attitude that blew things up.
may you have a happy new year,
and years ahead,
without me.
Y Y Y
surprised me when i was doing ngee ann shift. appeared and wait for me to finish that second shift. totally surprised cos he told me he wont be free today, has to meet his mom. feel so bad bout scolding him bout stuff, last night. made me honey drink and dinner-cold but nevertheless, so sweet of him. felt so happy, completely made my day so much better.
"you're my girl. you deserve all the love from me."
met yeehui, her stead and weiming to shop! ha.. though i really shouldn't be spending so much, still havent pay my p bill. eh.. just for fun, i bought: converse shoes, 2 tops, skirt and hairbands.
think i'm really blogging for the sake of feeling like it. nothing really to say actually.. what's wrong? too happy? so why is it when u'r feeling unpleasant, like sad, angry, frustrated and stuff.. you always have so much more things to say-so naturally, and you'll not stop for once and think, "hey, am i blogging bimbo-ish?" oh but hey, i'm blogging for myself, wasn't i? why did that thought ever cross my mind then?
why do i always tell myself how i dont care what people think of me, when deep down, i really do?
Monday, December 29, 2003 at 1:18 AM
Y Y Y
not a single word for me.
have been telling myself i dont need it,
deep down is a different story.
thought i've been trying hard,
as hard as the others.
or havent i?
so i've hurt her,
but didnt i feel the hurt as much?
or perhaps she'll never know i did.
or for that matter, care.
so many times i've told myself,
i'll tolerate her no more.
but fond memories do stay,
and frankly, i do miss her.
2years, we've known each other.
yet, another christmas spent without her.
saw her blog,
her many thanks.
how i wish i could scream at her,
i've tried just as much.
the silent tears,
she'll never know.
or for that matter, care...
Saturday, December 27, 2003 at 11:34 AM
Y Y Y
happiest christmas ever.. merry christmas, everyone!
first thing first, he's finally back!! and he promised the next time he goes back, he'll bring me along, so i don't hafta be stuck here, alone.
coudn't sleep much the night before christmas eve cos gona meet him the next day. totally angry with mom for not allowing me to fetch him at the airport! met on eve's morning under his block. (all that i pictured of how i'll react when i meet him didnt happen. haha.) missed him sooo much!! went to Macs to have breakfast, he couldn't eat much cos he's too happy. *smiles* well, as for me, i never can help if when food is around.
went to town. caught 'love me if you dare' again with him this time. he doesnt really appreciate it though! but frankly, second time watching it, i found the show quite disturbing. shopped for xmas presents. had fun. felt like... old couples shopping. ha! had ramen for dinner at far east and met the Poks to pass them the chocolates.
left for long mrt ride. and decided to go airport in the end. terribly tired, so tried to catch some sleep before 12am. but freaking cold and quite noisy! well, at least we avoided the crowds in town.
sigh.. tired of blogging to details liao..
-christmas chocolate-coated strawberries and cheeseburger and polka teas.
-trolley rides. i'm the commander.
yes madam!
-burger king: hot tea, shivers, hash browns..
-windy night and nap outside airport.
-ride back home, overslept, missed stops.
-slept over at weiming's.
-breakfast at 1pm. chicken rice.
-shopping at NTUC
home sweet home.. slept like pig.
christmas expenditures:
-handkies for dad
-burberry perfume for mom
-arts and crafts kit for lil sis
-surf shorts for bro (havent buy)
-givenchy perfume for him
-chocolates for the Poks
-wasted gift for ..... (gonna throw away soon)
-movie tickets
-farecard top up
contributed special mushroom soup and bacon potatoes for family dinner. nice dinner.
Thursday, December 25, 2003 at 10:51 PM
Y Y Y
Do you enjoy eating VEAL? do you know what veal is? It is the
meat of a baby calf that has been starved to death so that the meat is
pale pink, almost white. It is served in most Five Star Hotels, and
can be bought at certain supermarkets . The VEAL calf industry is
among the worst of all kinds of intensive animal agriculture. It is
literally a fate far worse than death.
Male calfs are taken from their mothers one or two days after
birth. They are chained inside tiny crates barely larger than their
bodies and are kept in total darkness. During their brief lives, they
never see the sun or touch the earth. They never see or taste grass.
Their muscles ache for freedom and exercise. They long for maternal
care.....
About 14-16 weeks after their birth, they are slaughtered. The
Calfs home is a VEAL crate, a wooden restraining device that is so
small (22 inches by 54 inches) that the calves cannot turn around.
Designed to prevent any movement, the crate does its job of atrophying
the calves' muscles, THUS PRODUCING TENDER "GOURMET" VEAL.
Imagine if you had to sit in one position for months without
being able to move at all. The calves also suffer from open sores
caused by the constant rubbing against the crates. There is no bedding
on which they lie, simply hard wood. They will never walk again. In
fact, they will never stand again except when they go for slaughter -
and by then they are so weak their limbs have become useless. These
are little babies who will never see even one year of life. Have
never romped and played, have never seen another calf or anyone- just
a big bottle of forcible feed mush which is shoved into their throat
every few hours and injections that pierce their skin regularly to
make them fatter and keep them alive. They cough all the time and
their faeces comes out in painful streams dirtying their nether parts.
The calves are fed a high fat liquid feed intentionally lacking
in iron and other essential nutrients. This diet keeps the animals
anaemic and creates the pale pink or white colour considered
desirable in VEAL. Craving iron, the calves lick urine-saturated
salts and any metallic parts of their stalls. Farmers also
withhold water from the animals, who, always thirsty, are driven to
drink the disgusting slop the feed is.
Because of such extremely unhealthy living conditions and food,
the calves soon develop chronic pneumonia and constant diarrhoea.
Consequently, they are given massive doses of antibiotics and
other drugs just to keep them alive. The antibiotics are passed onto
the consumers in the meat.
That's not all that's passed along. Most international veal
production companies give calves 'clenbuterol' , a dangerous
and illegal drug that speeds growth and increases anaemia in the
calves, producing more expensive white meat. Calves treated with
'clenbuterol' can be sold for slaughter at 12 to 13 weeks of
age, rather than the standard 16 weeks. Even trace amounts of
'clenbuterol' can cause severe illness in humans, including
increased heart rate, tremors, breathing difficulties, fever and even
death.
In 1996 the EU voted to ban the VEAL crate across Europe, but
the veal industry said they would suffer economically, so it will
be phased out and removed in the year 2007 only. Yet the trade
will continue to thrive in various other countries.
People who eat veal basically are eating the pale and tender
meat of a very sick baby cow who was tortured to death. They are also
eating antibiotics and hormones that kept the baby alive long after
its body had given up. The meat is so white because there are NO
nutrients in it. It is senseless food eaten by the senseless and
savoured for its colour and chewability rather than any intrinsic
merit.
Surely, if a person is paying soooo much money for the meal, he must
want something in exchange: Apart from drugs and cancer????
Y Y Y
ps2, i dont give a shit bout you too!
stupid that i was still thinking of ways to pass her christmas gift discreetly. F*** u and my stupidity!
Monday, December 22, 2003 at 1:27 AM
Y Y Y
quite happy with everything these 2 days. time passing fast, especially with a good job. kinda starting to like working, gives me satisfaction of knowing i'm working hard for money-ok, not exactly working hard- but at least not rotting away or spending stuff.
and when i'm busy, time pass so fast, tuesday comes faster.. cant wait!
ps, dad bought me a hi-fi for christmas. love it so much.
viv says:"i also wana leave home!"
Y Y Y
damn fuckin frustrating.
so sad to hear tt i trt u good with a motive.
esp the mos ridiculous is cus u r his gf?
i mean excuse me... m i very close to him...
wonder which fucker said tt..
if u decide to listen n not feel for urself what is true or not
den forever u will live on whatever ppl says...
its alrite.. my conscience is clear
i guess i was just being too inferior and paranoid about stuff.. i'm sorry to everyone out there. but i'm just another normal person who would like to fit in and have great and cool friends everywhere. sigh~ and yet it's contridicting how i've been telling myself i don't need all that.
then again, i really want true and real friends.. duh! don't know what exactly i want anymore.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003 at 1:15 PM
Y Y Y
ABC says:
they're juz treating u nicer cos ur w XX..
undoubtedly, this question has been hovering within myself for sometime.. but hearing it this way from someone is a totally different story. i'm not feeling insecure anything cos i do nnot feel any need to. i'm just wondering if mine spending all this time with these certain people is really worth it all. i mean, we do have loads of fun and stuff, but this is completely different from the moments when u spend it with friends whom you really love, whom you are true to and are true to you. you enjoy yourself that very moment but later, it's all empty inside.
frankly, i did hoped that the "got drunk and spill it all" night would have change abit of stuff.. i don't know what's the point to it, and i'm not sure if i really want-or for that matter, need it. i did wished people would change how they feel towards me and stuff.. but perhaps, it's time i shake myself out of my own naviette. everyone has different kinds of perception and whatever bullshit it's called. i must learn that some things are just the way it's.
anyway, i've just finished reading "can you keep a secret by sophie kinsella". it's a really good book.
Y Y Y
XX says:
Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love
you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you
Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love
you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you
Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love
you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you Love you
Love you Love you Love you Love you
you only need to say it once, and i'm mesmerized already.
cant believe that i was feeling all that frustrations with him yesterday.. asking myself why am i always waiting for him, why this and that.. guess i was just losing faith.
right now i'm pissed with myself, why do i always need so much assurance. why always feel so insecure bout stuff?
Joy says:
but seriously i think tt if sometimes we can just dun treat some things too seriously we can all be happier
requires you to be stronger than you feel like or better than you actually want...so sometimes ppl just rather stay tt way
but the thing is you ll nv regret all the "dun feel like"s after you re free
Tuesday, December 16, 2003 at 10:29 PM
Y Y Y
04 dec-night of zhong ji mi ma. got home... dared myself to leave home.
05 dec-run away daughter, first time clubbing, stayed out and roamed the streets(shiping, viv, kahsiang and weiming)
06 dec, 5.30am-scolded by viv's dad, shifted to grandpa's house
07 dec-1month anniversary but he's not around
07-10 dec-blur of events--new job, late nights out, fun, rot, heartaches, cries....
11 dec-night of "tan-pan" with mom and aunt. got really tired of mom, of everything, just want to stay out forever. went to cassan's to sleep over. really sweet of her.
12 dec- had wonderful free breakfast at coffeebean with xinyu. then went kahsiang's for new haircolouring. red! damn nice. thanks to him.
night: sms from mom:"wanna come sentosa tmr? we booked 2 rooms, you'd know it's for your good results.. ........" really troubled. sick of the whole issue and the different kinds of feelings running in myself.
hung out at weiming's, poolside.(weiming, shiping, yeehui and her stead, sulyn, kahsiang). downed 8cups of gin/tonic-whichever it's+soft drinks. got high/drunk..?? embarrassing ramblings. cries+hugs. stumbles-sprained ankle and scratched knee. fell alseep at kahsiang for awhile, highness's gone when i woke up. disgusting feeling in the stomach, wana puke but cant. digged and puke abit. slept more.
13 dec morning-felt terrible, terrible, terrible... stupid ramblings. dumb. dumb. dumb.
afternoon-stupid fucking job. but thank goodness, i slept but was paid. ha!
night-went sentosa. everything alright from then.
14 dec-went places with weiming. had really lots of crazy fun. shopped. splurged. yummy food. watched love me if you dare. he pulled down his pants on the escalator! -"does these look nice with my nipples?"- yeah
15 dec, 12.00am-end of homeless expedition
now: miss xx terribly... sorry bird for losing my temper on you..
ok, i'm gona stop rambling!
Monday, December 15, 2003 at 11:43 AM
Y Y Y
i really miss him so much.. 11 days more to go, but it feels like i can't wait any longer.. he asked me if i wana go there to find him. i felt so much like going. but rigght now is really bad timing, what with my family problems and the sudden need in me to watch my spendings. but so much feel like going. to see him, to be held, to have someone who understands my problems without saying them out loud.
Friday, December 12, 2003 at 10:14 PM
Y Y Y
this sucks. why do they all hafta play politics?! hello, this is my life, my problem. why is everyone trying to get people onto each other's side, in the name of my well-being. i don't need this at all. if having a family means it's packaged with all these shit, no thanks, i'd rather be on my own.
i really want to be by myself right now. will you all stop bothering with your problems in the name of caring and being concern for me?! i don't need it. i may sound ungrateful or selfish, but you are all creating more stress and problems for me than helping. i can get on and live by myself. i'll be responsible for myself. there'll be alot of problems to be faced when being alone, but i'll struggle on and do fine. so, please, F off!
Tuesday, December 09, 2003 at 4:30 PM
Y Y Y
happy 1 month anniversary, yiwen and xx..
Sunday, December 07, 2003 at 1:22 PM
Y Y Y
my horoscope for last friday:
Your Daily Horoscope for December 05, 2003
Dear YWS,
You may feel like a young puppy that has just been let outside for the first time, IMPATIENT. The air is warm and delicious, and you are brimming over with energy. You are ready to take off running through the lawn, out into the fields, and over the hills in the distance. Unfortunately, however, you are tied to a large stake in the ground and your area of movement does not extend beyond a ten-foot radius. Your heart is ready to fly, but something beyond your control is keeping you where you are. Start chewing the rope.
this is abit freaky.
out with shiping, weiming, yeehui, sulyn, kahsiang, etc.. first time since a long long while on thursday night..
went home later then usual. stupid taxi drivers don't take passengers flaging for taxi, on top of that, 2 frigging Lao Aunties tried to cut my queue. had abit of fun playing with them. ha! mom and dad called hp continuously while i was in taxi heading for home. screamed and shouted over the phone. even taxi driver got the gist and suggested different ways to hasten the ride home. sms mom that i'll be home late earlier on actually, and then again to apologise when she hung up on me.
"you answer to dad yourself.." mom replied in her sms.
reached home to a locked gate..
stayed outside for awhile contemplating if i should just leave. finally dad opened the door and asked me in. second round of scoldings. threatened to throw me out.
dad: you'd better cooperate with us! if you want to stay in this house, you'd better stay home everyday and listen to us. or else, you leave now. you choose!
me: but i was only out for work..! *(ok, i lied abit here..)
dad: don't tell me go out for work, you worked for 2 weeks and you're already suggesting to go pubs and disco!
looked at mom and she looked away. stupid hypocritical bitch! so she was the one who had stirred things up by telling my dad i must be at pub or disco, yet still play "hao ren".
felt so much like telling dad not to believe her, that she had secretly helped me dye the back of my hair and told me to lie to my dad that my friend did it for me. so she doesn't like to get into trouble, but that, in the expense of her own daughter.
chose to stay home and went up to pack stuff. 2 big bags. told grandpa about it, he wanted me to stay at his place but i thought it's abit more fun to stay at friend's first, plus other reasons of course. so he drove me to viv's house on friday afternoon.
5th dec, friday, i left home. (see? the horoscope is so accurate!!)-first time clubbing..
viv and i went to dbl O pub at mohamed sultan for job audition-promote energy drink at 7-11 only la.. we got selected and went to meet shiping, kahsiang and weiming at 11pm. walked around abit, rot and tried to get into the chocolate bar and the hendrix. too bad most of us were not of age. headed down to madmonks instead, they were having aces day(not sure if i got it right), but generally it meant lesbians night, no guys allowed. but somehow, kahsiang and weiming still got in. we bought embarrassing peach teas(10 fucking bucks) cos we were told that there would be operation that night. didn't want to take any chance, first day left home and land myself in trouble. danced crazily and did dirty dance with shiping and viv. haha. stupid but fun.
wanted to skip midnight taxi charge so decided to stay out til 6am. went to maxwell for food and drinks and to rot. unfortunately, viv told her parents she was working midnight shift and her dad did not believe. stuff happened and in the end i got scolded by her dad for asking her daughter to stay out so late. told me to get out of his house.
alright, so the staying with a friend plan did not work. sigh..
went to weming's to sleep in awhile at bout 6am.. but felt really lousy, so didn't sleep much. around 11, shifted stuff from viv's to grandpa. reached grandpa's and kinda felt like going home. no bed, spare room kinda messy, have to sleep on weird mattress. actually, throughout the night outside, i did not for once stop feeling guilty or upset about levaing home. but my parents did not even bother to call, so, oh wells..
6th dec, saturday, start if new job ($7/hr!!)
took a long bath to wash away the stinky smoke smell on me. yucks. met viv to head for work. promoted Cult energy drink at 7-11, first at Plaza Sing, then outside Ngee Ann. earned $42 in 6 hours.went to meet weiming. yeehui.. ok, the gang.. at far east at 9pm. nothing do actually, really tired too. so everyone headed for home at 10.30pm.. reached grandpa's place at 11.30 and took a bath. finally thought of a new problem. my filthy clothes!
i miss my maid already!!
nvm, like kahsiang said: she's not a girl, she's an independent woman. ok, i'll think of ways.
*****
he messaged earlier in last night:
"my love,how are you?are you ok already?i worried for you the whole day..really.are you feeling lonely right now?or nth else to do?pls bear with it ok?i really miss you alot..but i don't know how to comfort you now.maye you're really sad now bcos of all the things happened this few days.i hope knowing that i miss you alot would ease your pain at this moment...don't think abt it..actually i really wanna move out to stay wit you after i come back to s'pore.although i know it's qute impossible,i really want to take care of you...btw,i bought you a few things..and i found the sunglasses you wanted..not exactly the same but it's very cute,very big,like my head..i bought one also..so that i can wear together..i wana change my shoe to the one similar to your choice..but if you don't like that we have similiar shoes,tell me...today,my mom told me thats he bought a new overseas telephone card..consider buying it(talked abt d uses of d card).u can use it to save money.if u've too much,save em to spend with me when i return.take care of yourself.i wanna see you in1piece when i return here..i really love you..-XX"
i felt so, so much better.. but somehow it renews the longing for him to return asap. *sob*
Y Y Y