came online at around 11.45pm, terribly sleepy since i got home..
but i just dont feel like sleeping-yet.
checked my emails, chatted to a few, ooh-ed at friendster's new stuff..
still couldnt sleep..
then it struck me.
what i've been wanting to do.
to read a few blogs, especially one that i havent been to before.
funny how some stuff happen and cant seem to be able to go away.
it's been like, what, a week already?
and i'm still bothered by the whole issue.
and it's such a small little issue!
it started with...
this bloody hands of mine that like to 'blurt' out messages that didnt mean to imply a fuck.
sigh..
i just cant understand why i cant let the matter go, myself..
it shouldnt be such a big deal right..
they're not even close to me.
and she, i hardly knew her before then..
but it's just that..being labelled a fake is so disturbing?
especially when i'm genuinely not at it.
i mean, yeah, i do have got times when i was genuinely fake.
like the time when bruce boasted about his bloody rolex watch, i just "ooh-ed" at it.
that was fake.
but somehow i feel, i wouldnt have mind if he had seen through my mocked fanscination.
i wouldnt have mind even if he were to throw a few remarks bout my fake-ness then.
cos that's the truth.
but when someone hurl accusations at me for being fake, i cant take that.
it's this mixed up feelings that makes me feel so...uneasy?
like on one hand, i feel like ignoring the whole issue and telling myself that so long as i know i havent been fake, or didnt mean the stuff they generated from a message, i dont need to anwser to anyone else..
then on the other, i cant stop explaining myself-silly.
and then to think back, they probably think that faker is at work again.
that i was "clarifying my innocence".
sigh sigh..
so easy to step into a big hole of boody cow dung but so godamned difficult to wash the fuck off.
i mean, they probably think that i was (and still am) explaining cos..in a way, i think we're friends, or something like that..
so all those explanations probably got flushed down the toilet bowl in seconds.
and you see, it's so easy for them to move on..
but i'm still stuck here.
disturbed and what not.
i've got a serious problem about letting go.
someone's got to help me please.
i'm not saying this only to emphasize on how i cant forget about the matter stated above.
i mean i cant let go on a lot of other stuff in life as well.
hmm.. how do i start?
ok, like the other day, mick was asking me, "if you could have anything, just anything, in the world, what would it be?"
he was expecting me to say something materialistic, like a fancy expensive car or something so he could make a joke out of it.
but i said, "if i could have anything, it would be for there to be no death in the world. so that my loved ones wouldnt have to die, especially my grandma."
sounds like a miss world pageant kinda answer right? haha.
yeah, whatever, just dont go over analyse it and say i'm a bimbo, how can there be no deaths and just births and all that fuck.
well anyway, stumped, mick said, "oh, how selfless."
ha, ironically, i actually said that for some selfish reasons. i dont want death to happen cos i dont want to experience lost. i dont want people whom i love and who love me to die and not come back again. i dont want to think about how sad and painful i will feel, much less say, experience that kind of heartaches.
see, bloody selfish.
i just dont understand why is it so hard for me to let go and move on.
i remember how i had mopped around for this long period of time when i was dumped, the very first and only time in my life.
to look back, i realise that it wasnt because i still love that guy very very much, it's just the plain simple fact that i cant bloody let go-again.
then, of course there's this someone whom i cant stop bothering too.
i mean, i really dont mean to "romantise the whole thing" and if she honestly feel that "we were never that great of friends, needed company at the most", there's very little i can say.
but it sure hurts-a damn lot.
and the times tk had told me to just move on, that it would be better for me and i'll be happier without her.
but i just find it so hard.
i still think and miss the times we share.
i still dream about how we would 'reconcile' again, like the many times we had.
yes, i really have these kinda stupid dreams.
man, i do sound like a bloody big loser.
i'd probably be one of those stupid women who grow old mopping around on the things i've missed and lost in my life.