singtel, it's payback time! heheh!
singtel is donating $1 per heart folded from the Today newspaper.
*yays!* almost everyone in school joined in the craze to fold as many hearts as possible, after all, it doesn't take too big an effort on our part. julia and i went to the extent of collecting as many copies as possible from other classes and even from the teachers. had quite some great time, and what makes me feel great is that we were doing it for a good clause.
i don't care what others think about this thing. some asked if singtel will really count and donate the amount of hearts folded. well, i think, we did our part and trust that singtel to do what it promised, and i guess that's enough.
and the weirdest and most sickening commet was from kevin. "aiya, singtel is gona take in all the donations la," he said. really felt like kicking his butt back to where he came from. hello there, singtel is the one making the donations, not us. so are you telling me that singtel 'eats' up their own money? you don't belong here at all, stop criticising everything about singapore like you're the almighty and superior one. shut up and go home if you don't like it here.
ok, so it's kind of unfair to say that cos initially he still does not know what the whole thing was about. but when i told him about it, he was like, "oh, got lucky draw one la?" duh, how materialistic can he get? and all that talk about singaporeans being materialistic and uncaring, check on yourself first, dude.
*roll my eyes* anyway, he really should check on his ego, it is getting too big for his own good.
nevertheless, i still feel that singtel should have made the donation without all that publicity and if they really want to make that donation, by all means go ahead, what's with the hearts making? yeah, so i don't get it right there.
Thursday, July 31, 2003 at 11:36 PM
Y Y Y
i really really like that chinese song sang by the china scholars!! who knows the title??! leme know too!
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 at 7:56 PM
Y Y Y
i don't want this ending either.
Sunday, July 20, 2003 at 3:03 PM
Y Y Y
"you always make me saddest.. you always make me most hurt.. but you can also make me happiest.. its too late for staying away.. i really hate you" -20 july, 2.30pm
good choice.
too late for regrets too.
Y Y Y
Fighter(she is a)
When i thought i knew myself
Thinking, that i was true
I guess she, she couldn't trust
'Cause my bluff time is up
'Cause she has had enough
I was, there by her side
Always, down for the ride
But my joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause my greed sold her out of shame, mmhmm
Not worthy of her...
could hardly sleep last nght.
for once,
i was not worrying about losing our friendship.
i know, i've let her down.
her friends, i guess,
had adviced her from ever finding me again.
i just know,
through their uncertainties-
the looks they gave me.
i could tell.
wanted to prove them wrong, then,
that i'm not as bad as they think i'm.
but now,
i've come to a point when even i don't think i can trust myself.
she doesn't have to go through all these again.
she had.
or probably she doesn't really care anymore.
the people she had described-
those who gave her the feeling to feel pity for them,
and thus offer her friendship.
how i had flinched then,
wondering if i was one of them.
i did not want to be, be pitied at.
now, i think,
even if she'd,
i'm not worthy of it.
apologies will never work again,
promises, even i'll laugh at them.
it's time i know,
her boundaries,
my limits.
i'm backing off.
her friends were right.
kissing goodbye..
the 3 morning bus rides,
bitching sessions,
sharing md player in bus,
shopping sprees,
silent moments,
she..
sunshines and rain..
Y Y Y
to be seen and to see...(quoted from nessa)
friday night, band concert night. did those people who went really appreciate the music? or were they there cos it's too good an opportunity to be seen and to see others?
frankly, i don't really appreciate the music stuff last night, especially when i was feeling pretty unwell and worrying about something throughout the night. but in the first place, i was there to support my friend, and ok i have to admit it, also to see people. lol. ok, the 'rocky' songs were nice, but i nearly fell asleep when they played the slow ones. =p
so yeah, i was worrying about... stuff between nessa and i. i don't know what to say now, things have come to a stand still. should i just let it go, and not care anymore? maybe i should. why do i have to choose?? i hate it.
so anyway, i still tried to enjoy myself yesterday. before the concert weilin and i went far east to take pictures. haha. i'm kind of hooked onto that man. the machines are making alot of money out of me!! but the pictures turned out great. hope that one day when i'm old, i can flip through the pages and smile at those fond memories. lol. we had to rushed quite a lot of times last night, thought we were late to meet siangfeih and xinni at city hall, so the both of us ran like crazy, in skirts! in the end, we were there much earlier. duh! so like siangfeih. haha. then we had to rush home cos weilin had to get home early.
at the concert hall..
saw sisi and weiting, they gave my the irks! sisi was wearing the same translucent skirt we saw her wearing at orchard. didn't really care much about them till that day at orchard, weilin, yuzhen and i walked past them and sisi kinda gave us that xialan look of hers. yeah, and so she was wearing the same skirt, so i suppose she didn't wash it la. lol. oh, and that day she "saturday longer than sunday!"- can see her panties higher than her skirt. damn funny, diao us somemore la!
mm.. other than them, we saw lots of sec4 people. quite a number of them turned up in tee and skirts. but i think that's ok, better than turning up in uniform. duh! but that's their problem, so =x!
oh simteng did solo. yays! cheered for her.
reached home around 11.30pm. scolded by dad. he said stuff like if i can't graduate, i can only blame myself and stuff. ok, at that point i was rather pissed. i was thinking, since when would i let myself to be able to graduate and why should i even blame anyone else. duh! but then, to reflect on it now, i think he has all the right to scold me last night. i have to admit it, i have been going out too much.
*guilty* and i have not been studying as hard as i should have. sigh.
TODAY.. celebration turned 'truama-rama'
had a surprise celebration at ktv for weilin. she wanted to go there since last week. haha, my acting was so good man. tricked her and stuff and got her into the ktv, or maybe she's just too 'kuku' to even tell.
*sniggers*
anyway, i enjoyed myself alot. glad she did too. haha, i can't sing well. but i guess it's alright, what's important is that we all had fun. yays!
hope she had a memorable birthday to replace all the other unpleasant ones she had before, especially last year; and also to mark this day when siangfeih, yuzhen, weilin and i are back as 'kuku' friends again.
so anyway, we forgot that weilin did not prepare money for the outing. so i had to left earlier and only left a 15nucks with them. in the end they totalled the bill and they wee short of 12bucks. so damn embarrasing! haha. then siew wei saved them by going all the way down to pay the rest. thanks girl! =p
Saturday, July 19, 2003 at 10:17 PM
Y Y Y
diana..
i've a grandma whom i love dearly too.
she took care of me,
and saw me through my childhood.
to me, she loves me more than my parents love me.
i know how you must be feeling.
i guess there are somethings i should not say,
unless i truly understand how you're feeling.
and because i'm not in your shoes,
i do not.
i may not know the right words to say.
i just want you to know that,
your grandma has held on for you this far, this long.
so you should not give up too,
like she did not give up.
but on doing so,
you still have got to show her,
that you can take good care of herself.
let her have an easy way to pull through this,
without being worried for you at the same time.
let's all pray for her well-being.
and you,
eat and sleep well.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003 at 10:50 PM
Y Y Y
i realised..
i realised that she's human after all.
all she wanted was a friend, a best friend for herself.
to be shared with no one else.
i have been through that phrase.
that phrase of hoping for someone to share my secrets with.
that someone to be there for and to be able to lean on.
and somehow thinking that we will be friends, forever and ever.
i'm through that though.
now i just want to appreciate whoever is here, right now.
but i still know how it feels.
the feeling so raw to me.
how it feels when i lost the best friend i wish would be.
you.
jealousy.insecurities.distrusts.selfishness.
and then greedy for more.
don't cos you're making things worst.
when two friends get together, naturalness is important.
don't force. don't seek.
appreciate what is there for you now.
if there is more to it,
they will come;
if things are yours,
they will be,
no matter what.
and with that, i want to apologize.
sorry about the way i said about you in my previous entry.
i realised what i said above applies to me too.
don't force. don't seek.
it is ironical how i had indirectly caused things to happen between him n me.
and then to realise,
as long as i can be with him,
it is more than enough.
no need for all that promises for our future,
it's now that counts.
it's now i'm enjoying,
i'm savouring the happiness,
not the future i'm looking forward to.
i just hope it's not too late to understand all these now.
human nature, the need to seek for more.
to gain something and then hope for more,
unable to see how suffocating it may be to the other person.
and then when you do,
sometimes,
it's too late.
human nature, the feeling of insecurity.
unable to see where yourself is standing,
afraid to lose footing and lose it all.
so scared that you scare others away,
more than you are scared.
human nature, the constant unpreventable mistakes we make.
unable to foresee the future.
and then to do things on impulse,
and not being able to consider the consequences just yet.
mistakes, the source of regrets.
then, i realised too,
it's never too late.
never too late to refrain from repeating my mistakes.
never too late to regain my footing to prevent myself from falling.
never too late to start things all over again.
never too late...
i realised i'm in a bad situation now,
whereby i'm afraid of taking one wrong step to lose it all again.
is it just the natural of feeling of insecurity?
or should i say i'm really in trouble?
analise it..
problem: i have 2 different groups of friends. who doesn't get along, or haven't have the chance to.
group 1: especially close with one(A). i know the both of us have been very careful with each other. i definitely don't want to let this slip away again. it happened twice, no more, please.
group 2: the one person(B) in this group whom i had once thought we'll make a pair of best friends that will last forever. i don't want to lose her friendship too. and i don't want our friendship to be nothing more than classmates.
thoughts: i treasure both friendships, alot. to what extent i don't know, i just know it's enough to set me worrying of losing them. i don't want people to think that i'm merely using them, jumping from one to another when one or the other isn't free.(but to hell to those people who thinks that way) ok, so i'm afraid that either one of them may think that way.
problem2: sometimes our outings clash. so what can i do? if i chose to go to one, the other will be left out. not that either one of them lack of friends, it's... i don't know how to explain.
thoughts2: what the hell am i writing?? duh!
maybe i imagined too much? i hope i'm.
i'm afraid. i'm worried.
i don't want any help from anyone.
i just need someone to understand.
understand where i stand, how i feel.
someone advice me, teach me.
i need,
someone who will be to foresee the future;
to tell me and warn me,
each time i'm about to lose my footing again.
so that i can believe and see for myself,
friendships do last,
even if it's requires the painful way.
something nice to share:
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more
things or more money in order to do more of what they want so they will be
happier. The way it actually works is in reverse. You must first be who you
really are, then do what you need to do in order to have what you want."
~ Margaret Young
Y Y Y
An overview...
I think i had quite a great week. Had some unpleasant going-ons, but on the whole, it's ok.
Sun, 6th July:
went town with nessa. had a great time. took a couple of really nice neoprints. love them all.
asked if weilin and siangfeih wana go watch "Twins Effects" next saturday.
siangfeih said she will not be free, but weilin said ok. so we decided to join yuzhen and florence.
Mon, 7th July:
stayed home, studied and did alot of homework. felt quite good about it. =p
learnt that siangfeih purposely ask weilin if she wants to go out on saturday. damn, what the hell is wrong with her??
Tue, 8th July:
had chinese O'levels oral exam!!! totally screwed it up. don't know why, somehow i read the passage with the vivienne kind of accent. damn weird. and kind of stammered. darn. conversation was ok, had some good points. but still. i was too nervous. argh!
after the oral, stayed around and waited for weilin and yuzhen. they had 'maths clinic' thingy. stupid maths department, made them stayed back everyday till 5pm to do maths. had to go back school even on sat and sun. damn dumb! so what if they manage to buck up and do well for their maths, what about their other subjects? hello..? well, i wonder how 'logical' are the maths teachers' thinking.
anyway, after that, we went to compass point and tried to change my levis skirt for another model, cos i got the wrong one. but they didn't have my size anymore. lol. wasted their time.
Wed, 9th July:
i forgot what happened for this day. will get back on it. haha.
darn, she decides to tag along on sat so that HER weilin will not escape her grasp?? spoilt my mood.
Thurs, 10th July:
nessa had her oral today. she screwed it too. lol. we can both kiss our distinctions goodbye. after that we wanted to go for a swim but darn, started raining. so went bugis instead, she wanted to get her levis jeans.
learnt that Twins Effects isn't a nice show, so we decided to watch another show. wanted to catch the sneak preview of alex and emma but she had to leave at 6pm. so darn!! spoilt our plans too.
Fri, 11th July:
went sakae sushi with nessa, diana and deborah. had fun but... nevermind. shh.
took neoprints again. haha. they called it the after sakae rule.
at night, mood dampened for awhile. all that stuff she did and the things she had indirectly caused. thank you hor! in the end we decided to just shop, have lunch and take neoprints. then turn out she couldn't go, so yays!! just me, weilin and yuzhen, so nice.
Sat, 12th July:
went nessa's house in the morning. darn of all days it had to rain, soaked my pants and wet my bag! changed into skirt at her place and left together to meet weilin while she went tuition.
met weilin at heartland mall and took mrt to bugis to change another size for the black top i bought on thurs. darn, the sucky woman didn't allow me. said it was wet(cos of the rain) and had perfume(cos of my bag). wasted trip. then we went to town and i bought stuff at Topshop and Fila(got sale ah!). lol.
yuzhen came and meet us at 3pm at Taka. went for lunch at Yoshinoya then went to take neoprints(very nice!!) at heeren. nearly lost the jacket i bought at fila cos i had to rush to meet nessa at heartland mall. so we ran on the escalator back to the shop to get it back. haha, kinda fun. like adventure. you're not there, you don't know. luckily i found it, or i will cry. lol.
met nessa and diana at heartlant, took train to chinatown. nessa just had to find her levis jeans la! ^-^ so she eventually got it there and we had dinner at the market then went back.
today:
went gardens to study with nessa and alicia. did abit of maths only. *sigh* then we went bishan, took a couple of pictures. very cute, look like we were making ads for O.D.M. watches.
then nessa and i went to her house void-deck and we had ice creams. chatted and had fun watching the kids at the playground nearby while we licked on our ice creams. ok, i munched on mine. haha.
nessa had the urge to blow bubbles so we bought a bottle each at the provision shop and then had silly competitions. then a couple of kids joined us and we played and chatted with them. i kind of like being with kids cos i have no fear of acting stupid or being scrutinized and judged or whatever. oh well...
was really great, just to spent time that way with nessa.
so on the whole i think this is quite a great week cos all the things that i had almost lose are back...
maybe it's true when they say, "if it's yours, they'll come back." (well, something like that)
on him:
today, he messaged: i feel like missing you suddenly...
i replied: aiya, i'm sick of your on and off attitude.
part of me: it's true. did he expect me to get accustomed to his moods? how did he want me to react to the different times. stop it ok?
another part: did i really made the right choice?
sigh...
Sunday, July 13, 2003 at 9:14 PM
Y Y Y
i said:let's study hard n work towards our goals.
i think right now, those are more important then anything else, to me and to you.
xx says:
ya..better..
xx says:
finally you open up..
i bit back a tear and replied "haha..ok.."
guilty conscious and sadness gripped me.
someone said, "you can't know for sure if he's the one."
i have to admit she is right.
after all, i had felt that esmond was the one back then.
it took me months to get over him,
i lived through each day brooding over the fact that i couldn't seem to forget the times we spent together.
for months, i asked myself: will i miss him forever?
still, i got over him in the end.
true, once in a while i still think of him now and then,
but i know those are harmless thoughts.
so i guess,
it will goes the same for xx,
won't it?
i will go through the missing and brooding phrase
but in the end,
i will definitely be able to get over it,
won't i?
so it's not wrong i guess,
to not let him know how i truly feel now,
isn't it?
i guess it isn't just about how right you feel in one's arms.
how do i explain the way i feel when i'm with him?
so i may be able to wipe away the tears
and pretend i'll be alright.
but what if i ever regret my decision?
what can i do then?
forget it, i should not be brooding over these now.
i've made the decision and i've done it.
if we can be less stressed this way, so be it.
we are just not meant to be, i guess.
it's time i stop being so clingy for once.
it's silly how i still wish he'll read this entry
and come back to my life.
terribly pathetic.
"you don't need a guy to make me happy." nessa said a long time ago.
yes, you're right.
Monday, July 07, 2003 at 5:54 PM
Y Y Y
i thought i was losing her again. thank goodness she called.
Saturday, July 05, 2003 at 10:00 PM
Y Y Y
"there are things in life that no one understands. they are those in life that you simply can't let go of."
i truly understood how you felt.
there's this girl who cherished friendships a lot.
part1:
she had some friends whom she had shared some great times with. laughters, fun, dreams that all set a mark to her secondary 3 life.
then she did some things-at a point when the friendship bond was no longer strong, and got herself into misunderstandings. made it worse by her reactions to the problems, and the stupid way she dealt with things.
her friends hated her, especially A(protect identity). they never want to have things to do with her again.
it was then her world crumpled down, no matter what she do, she just could not undo what she had done.
those crazy and great times she once shared with them...
funny talks about dreams to have their houses built in a U-shape with a swimming pool in the middle...
ridiculous make-over, vcd and pizzas, heart-to-heart talks, at A's house...
night swims: before exams, study by the pool; after exams, swim there almost everyday...
A stayed over at my place, the hilarious and embarrassing fart...
shoppings...
movies...
the past that will be nothing but memories now.
she tried a couple of ways to save what she had lost. wrote letters that she knows may not have ever been read, calls to cold replies, messages that are immediately deleted. all the desperate measures she had done, nothing helped. soon, they all left school, they never hear from each other for a long time.
she could blame no one, no one but herself...
part2:
so anyway, life must still go on. she found new friendship in secondary 4, her new buddy(B) to sit with in class. they had so much fun together, they just clicked. in alot of the lame things, they just found them hilariously funny. some things, we just don't have to analize too much anyway, fun comes first.
but when everything meant so much to her, teachers butt in and said she was too bad an influence for B. so they were separated. then she did something she should not have, again. B was hurt. but seriously, initially she was not even aware of what she had really done.
the friendship was damaged. and there's no more the old times, when they sat together.
no more silly jokes during lessons...
funny or love stories for one another...
punggol end outings, sunsets, sunrises, silly chats, pleasure viewings, sunburnts...
same thing, she tried all means to get B to see how sorry she was about the whole issue, but B just could not take it in.
this friend(T) of hers told her: "somethings you've to learn to let go. no point doing things. like shi(3) can(2) lan(4) da(3)"
there is nothing she could do but to move on. silent tears are inevitable, heartaches once in awhile when memories returned. she tried to find yet another happiness, just to realise that happiness will never be the same as before.
but in her heart she had never really let go. she truly believes that one day, they will be back. she does not believe in what T said, cos he had never truly believed in her anyway. so what if the hope is small, hold on, she told herself. she dares not think too far ahead, she only hopes for the day to come.
so one day in a bus, A messaged her again. nothing much, just a simple message to study hard.
and with that, it made her day. it is nothing great, but to her, it meant alot. no one will understand.
and now, she is friends with B again also. not as close, but things can be work out, if the chance is there.
sometimes, she felt like sticking up her nose and telling T triumphantly that some things we just have got to have faith. so what if she "shi can lan da", lost some pride here and there? the things she never want to let go, are finally back, bit by bit.
and so i told you, "hold on and be strong, you're not alone". people who don't understand, tried to tell us to let things go. easier said than done.
how do you let things go when more than once in a while you have to see the familiar landscapes or places where we've once shared moments with?
how do you forget that person when you have to she him/her almost everyday?
things are never that easy...but you and i, we are not alone...
Y Y Y
homecoming day or food and fun fair?
you know what i think? i think maybe mrs low doesn't like the old students to be back. the newly contructed name for friday's event, is it a quiet attempt to let them know that they're not welcome back? well, anyway, she failed. yeah! ok, not that i've anything personal against her, this is just what i feel. she can't just eliminate the old students after she comes into xinmin, it's just not right. duh!
so anyway, i'm so glad they were back. hugs!!
had such a great time. our stall sold maltose candy, lollipops and kaya paste. earned $700++, compared to 4e5, we're so laoya. still, i think it's not that bad. one advice for peeps out there, don't but maltose candy at a food fair next time, you don't know what went through there, you don't want to know either. haha.
though i thought i had enjoyed myself at the fair, i felt sad on the bus ride home. i'm happy to see my friends again, but somethings will never be the same again. there is a slight improvement between cassan and i, or there seemed to be. but i know that will be all, nothing more. i helped them take a picture with kim's digital cam, they all look such a happy lot, fit just right in the picture. i'll never fit in there, not anymore.
later on that day...
watched 'finding nemo' with krystle. don't mind spending the $7.50 on the show after all, it was a great cartoon. haha. so we had abit of fun during the show, but i feel the both of us just don't click like we did, anymore. don't you think so, krystle? i'm sure you noticed it too.
Friday, July 04, 2003 at 9:12 PM
Y Y Y
3rd of July, broke down in tears...
even on the last resort, all efforts are to no avail.
no one wants to go. period.
emotions run wild.
excitement->disappointments->desperate->frustration->longing->acceptance->emptiness
it all come down to one: rejection.
overwhelmed with sadness,
she broke down in spasms of sobs.
"it's a show not everyone likes to watch. just let it rest"
still, she can't take it.
it's not that simple, she feels.
it's something else.
she longs...
and then was left alone.
people told her to handle things the mature way.
what can she do to handle this the mature way?
there's none.
no one's there.
"i'll always be there for you when you need it" he says
he didn't bother to reply her message.
a message full of sadness and a silent plead for comfort words.
no reply.
Y Y Y
Y Y Y
so what do you do when you feel so much like going for a particular movie but no one seems to be interested to catch it with you? catch it alone?
people want me to catch something else with them, something else I’m not too interested in. though I could’ve simply rejected going with them, i said ok and gathered as much enthusiasm as possible for the show so everyone felt great. so who actually cared to do that for me?
I had so much wanted to catch Charlie’s angels full throttle. Simply love that show. And I had made plans long ago to watch it with this someone, but things happened. It’s inevitable that she got her own friends to catch it with her then.
so i'm without plans now. yet when i went around asking people if they want to watch with me, some said they watched it already, others said no money or that they don't like the show. perhaps they didn't want to watch with me or perhaps they're not interested in the show. i don't know.
so anyway, krystle wanted to watch finding nemo. Yeah, so people said that it’s a good show and all, but I’m not that keen to spend a $6.50 on a cartoon. Still, I made plans to go with her. That’s not the only time though, I wasn’t totally keen on watching Ju-On (after hearing all that comments about it) either. still, I went cos she wanted to.
It’s terribly frustrating.
Perhaps that’s why sometimes we see people going to movies alone. So I was telling this friend that perhaps I should simply go myself, and he said, “go yourself la, why u all so scared to go alone?” Well, let me tell you this, I’m not. After being able to roam orchard and stay at borders for a whole day-alone, going to the movies myself is nothing. I won’t be feeling any watchful eyes, no fear of being scrutinized or given weird assumptions by people, what’s there to be afraid of?
But that’s not the point. So we went to a lousy movie but the company was great, we ended up enjoying ourselves. It goes the same for going to a great movie but the company was bad or worse, no one was there. It sucks, big time.
I’m not asking anyone to look at me, pity me, go with me. Just that perhaps next time, everyone out there should also consider how much your friends wanted to watch a certain show and catch it with them. gather as much enthusiasm as possible, make them feel good too. so what if they show wasn't your genre of interest? u don't know how you could'be made one's day better.
perhaps i should just let on this, i'm more than disappointed, i feel rotten.
this reflects alot.
who is really there for me when i need it?
Thursday, July 03, 2003 at 12:14 AM
Y Y Y