bad news, my super loose pants feels snug today. =(
a little visit.
"wana walk down with me?"
except i couldnt open my damn mouth.
and the tears welled up.
the kinda feeling that makes you say,
"what the fuck."
and your heart goes sinking.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004 at 11:00 PM
Y Y Y
i lost my nokia 6230. someone pried open the pool locker to steal it.
the end.
Monday, September 27, 2004 at 11:59 PM
Y Y Y
am supposed to be sleeping, was really tired.
now i cant even shut an eye.
my eyes sting of constant rubbing off tears.
he goes:
so cya tmr at 7.30 ok.. love you lots. goodnight..
and she goes:
can u say things like this(sweet nothings) more often? i'm getting so used to u not sayin them tt i feel weird, not happy cos it's rare like u thought it'd be. i feel that sayin these stuff makes us feel more affectionate towards one another. you're really not makin it precious by not sayin it more often. you're jus mmakin me feel lonesome.
and he goes:
i try ok? but it's just me that i'm not used to showin it too often la. but pls know that i always love ya as much.
and she goes:
i fee very trapped in this. i've not been able to single it out but now i've found the words to. i feel so much closer to alot of my frens than with u cos they make me feel warm by showin affections to me.
and he goes:
i dont know how should i react to this. why ya always think that i'm not giving enough in whatever i do? i'm so serious and doing all that i'm possible. but it's like nothing to u. ya said that im takin w/o giving. i feel so heartbroken by all this criticism. i'm tryin all my best but why ya dont seem-
and she cuts:
mayb it's jus that i'm like that, difficult to please.. need u to try harder to make me feel more secure.. but i feel mayb, it's better that u put in a little more effort? better than me feel so upset all the time yea?
and he goes:
to be satisfy with it abit? i really love u so much and really doin my best. i admit that i'm not the best but i'm the already doing it with all that i'm able to
and she goes:
fine fine. if u feel so then let it be. i've nothin more to say.
and he goes:
no la i can do this more often, but all that i hope is ya can showsome encouragement instead of saying that i'm not loving you all the time.
and she goes again:
i didnt say all that to spark another bout of reasonings from u. am really tired of it. n mayb the only reason i'm always sayin these is bcos u've nv changed when u promised. n which line in my msges even mean anything like: u'r not putting enough effort or u dont love me. all i'm saying is that i need u to do a single certain thing i little more so i dont feel so upset bout this matter all the time.
and he goes:
no. i'm not saying tonight. last week and anytime ya dont feel right, ya jus msg me all these. and if my msg are only reasoning to you. how bout time whne ya send me dozens of msg to jus show an issue. i'm not sayin ya wrong everytime. but ya constantly doin it to me. when i mean it's just my defect that i cant do smth, ya can never accept it. but when other say sth about u, u hope tt they can accpet that's u.do ya realise that ya doin things to others that ya dont like others to treat ya this way? many times ya didnt say certain things directly, but it's the impac on me that affects me tha most.and ya dont think i'm changing, while i'm trying to avoid so many things over this period of time. i never think tt i'm always right. i admitted them and i'm tryin ti change.
and she goes:
stop stop. u do whatever u like or u want. u think it's enough then let it be. i wont ask anything from u again. if u feel tt i've not been showin u encouragemnet, then maybe 'd try to check ur frienster acct more often. i did more than 8 testimonials for u.
and she thinks:
and u promised to write one for me like weeks ago. so where's it? (it's not such a big deal to ppl who's jus readin but between him n me, it means alot more.) and all those u promised u'll change.
dont judge.
Sunday, September 26, 2004 at 11:45 PM
Y Y Y
-fri was the most tiring day i've had since quite some time. slept at 4am that night before, and the day ended with the wonderful play in school. reached home, just wana collapse. concuss.
-stupid jelly strapless bra is a total silly investment. lol. no support at all and by the end of the day when i take it off, i can tilt it to one side n pour out 20cents size of perspiration. hehe.
-u need someone to let u have things the way u wan it to be, jus to see if he/she really likes u. this is the way u find security. n i too, have my way of finding security.
-"start building castles on the ground before building them in the air"
-i'm really upset i've not get to watch dodgeballs yet.
-ur way of loving me jus isnt workin.
random thoughts.
Y Y Y
Nadd forwarded this to me:
Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?
Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weaklings and most succeptible?
Did you know that those who spend their time protecting/caring others are the ones that really need someone to protect/care them?
Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are : I love you,Sorry and help me The people who say these are that actually need them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.
Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?
Did you know that those who dress in red are more confidence in themselves?
Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy thier beauty?
Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?
Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?
Did you know that those who need more of you are those that did not mention it to you?
Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writting than saying it to someone in the face?But did you know that it has more value when you say it in the face?
Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?
Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?
Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned of, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two folds.
i believe.
almost cried by just reading this.
Y Y Y
tired to the core. cancelled going to the party jus now, continue tmr. too tired.
Saturday, September 25, 2004 at 1:11 AM
Y Y Y
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
nat?
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i need to know more bout diana...
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
heya
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
okai
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
what happened?
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
how long ve u been with her?
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i duno la..
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
cos since the last time i upsetted her, cos she annoyed me
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i feel tt we're not reali like before
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
since sec2
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
i think i know how you feel..
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
hmm..i used to get annoyed with her very often..and she's someone you need time to get used to
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
i think give her sometime..but at the same time just talk to her normally,,,
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i was terribly annoyed with her those few times, n it's not tt i hate her..
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
it cos i truly care fer her
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
n the more i care for her, the more i feel annoyed by her
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i duno why
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
and recently, it's like.. i realised i'm tryin to ignore her alot
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
not exactly ignore her
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i do talk to her. but i dont attach myself emotionally anymore
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
icic..
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
but when i saw her entry the other day
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i feel very sad
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
but i dont know how i can do anything bout it
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
hmm..thing abt diana is, i think she needs her own space..and when ppl have high expectations of her, she feels worse..
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
me too
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
she's been having a hard time in poly
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
i'm too.
©º°¨¨°º© wenn ©º°¨¨°º© i duno u well. but enough to feel for u. says:
poly like totally sucks
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
yar
I'm not gonna tell anyone tt I'm Natalie says:
i think you're one of the few ppl who can help her now..cos she's close to you
nothing comes out of the conversation. not sure if nat understands what i'm saying anyway..
Friday, September 24, 2004 at 2:45 AM
Y Y Y
Y Y Y
"poly life is so 'individual'. no one really care what you're up to. everyone's bout his/her own life. no unitedness at all. i hate it. it's like hell for me now, need lots of help yet no one really gives a shit."
"
it's the same everywhere. in jc, classmates dont share notes and teachers only know how to say they dont wana spoon feed. guess it's just a taste of real world."
there's so many reasons to hate bout poly life. i bet alot of us feels the same too. "if only we can be back in sec school where my friends are", etc..
neways, i'm beginning to feel certain attraction to a different
group of people. i believe they've certain emotional aspects another
group of people do not have. there's this particular person i feel very attracted to. feel like someone i can tell everything, anything to. and even dream of cuddling with. i'm not sure what's with it too, and i'm not sure if it's just a phrase. but the feelings are so real.
Thursday, September 23, 2004 at 11:37 PM
Y Y Y
for once i dreamt of my dream.
i was walking away from you.
not a sligth of regret,
no looking back to see if i've made the right choice.
and i was just walking.
till i turn to my right and smile.
i was smiling at
you.
a different you.
and i felt all the confusions running in me.
didnt we just met.
yes it wasn't long.
it's weird.
and everyone in yellow and brown.
looking on.
queer looks.
in my dreams.
i could walk out of society ridicule.
if it's just for me and you.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004 at 8:17 AM
Y Y Y
i'm so sorry i've been so insensitive of your feelings all these while.
i'm so sorry that the first thought that came to my mind when you told me the lappy's in trouble is that it's probably because you werent being very responsible with it.
i'm so sorry that i've been giving myself the reason that i do not know you well enough to be helping you so much thus withdrawing from you these few days.
i'm so sorry taht it took me so long to see all these.
i'm so sorry for so much, so much...
i didnt tell you that papa needed the loan money earlier cos i know you're in some difficulties yourself. and i kinda think that you can go home and sleep instead of residing at shannon's?
Tuesday, September 21, 2004 at 9:12 PM
Y Y Y
previous entry was of my feeling sorry for myself. yea, once again..
neways, i was telling tk's classmate, sofan, that ECH is so deprived of a guy's bad breathe and sweat odour.
miss those secondary school days when i sat frowning at rowdy, dirty guys. lol.
Y Y Y
like just completely strike
me out.
ht n tk n
yiwen
tk n class n
yiwen
jamie n pearlyn n
yiwen
jenn n diana n
yiwen
yeah striked out.
Monday, September 20, 2004 at 3:16 PM
Y Y Y
the previous entry on the dam:
the dam
cracks
holding back
everyone knows what's behind it
but never really knowing it
it's just so... not there. really damned.
Sunday, September 19, 2004 at 11:42 PM
Y Y Y
feeling so disorganised.
a thousand and one stuff under my to-do list and i cant finger one to start on it.
i hate assignments, especially groupwork.
have to wipe the backside for everyone just so to secure a good grade for myself.
wth.
assignments are due next week.
and i'm such a last minute worker.
plus 3 exams in october.
my stress level is killing me.
i need a movie badly.
thinking of meeting up with wyn but wonder if it's too early.
and the fact that i'm so unfree.
think i'm gonna miss psf meeting again.
sorry mr shampoo,
put holding my life together is more important.
where are the friends that have gone missing?
and blogging is the last thing i should do.
Y Y Y
i seem to be losing myself again...
Y Y Y
feelin so restless today man. wth.
got to know wyn, cant stop bothering her. lol..
wonder why.
Saturday, September 18, 2004 at 10:52 PM
Y Y Y
i really like this song... it kinda describes my relationship, and helps me hold on. gives me strength and motivates me to try harder... haha, i'm like writing some pledge..
anyway, i think i'm going back into the relationship.
it's difficult to leave someone you love so much.
and after all, he promised to change.
Y Y Y
one really shouldn't be mean(ok at least not openly, lol..) towards someone in any part of your life! just learned that tk's classmate was my pri4 classmate. pri4 was hell for me, got promoted into a pretty good class. but my english was terrible then, so was really bullied and always criticised in the class. so... *drums roll* meet weiyang!! current classmate of tk and the big bully with his twin sister who always bully me in pri4!
anyway, blogger was crazy last night, really wana put this in:
i honestly think FHM is really smart. they make use of this 'girl next door search' thing for one major thing, advertisement. and they dont even hafta fork out much. the winner wins a $10000 but the money comes from all the votes people vote for the girls cos it costs 50cents per sms, plus of cos the sponsors and everything. on top of that, the girl thought she's so lucky to win a 10000bucks and have her own face on cover page. but think bout it, she'll be in skimpy stuff in the front of a magazine which guys of all race, age, looks, etc. read and possibly masturbate looking at her pic. wow. and the $10000 may be cool but it's probably the same amount any celebrity-singers, actresses or porn stars, will get for posing saucily for a cover page. point taken??
you'd think i'm probably jealous and all that cos my picture turned out real ugly in the mag and is only top 75 out of the 100. haha.. possibly true but whatever... my stupid pic is already in the mag for the whole world to laugh at so nothing i can do actually.
and i hafta admit, even when my pic turn out like this, i'd love to have frens, foes, relatives, whoever to support and vote for me. lol..
i'm a thick-skinned bimbo in fhm. =D
Y Y Y
the dam
cracks
holding back
everyone knows what's behind it
but never really knowing it
Friday, September 17, 2004 at 1:40 PM
Y Y Y
i broke up with him when deep down i know i really dont want to.
feeling terrible.
someone help me through this..
Thursday, September 16, 2004 at 10:23 PM
Y Y Y
guess what, looks like i'm damn right with my predictions about that ass of that girl who borrow the vcd frm me~! i msged her yesterday and reminded her to return me the money today and she avoided me like crazy today. well, the least she could do is to tell me she doesn have the money or smth. shit her, i'm so reluctant to pay that stupid 4bucks for her man. yet to keep asking a 4bucks from her makes me feel so pathetic. argh. stupid bitch.
oh, i completely crap up my IT test yesterday! haha, there was 5/6 questions i think, and i only did(crap) up to qns3.. on top of that, i have not been listening in class man. so yeah, so gonna flunk it badly.. *sigh* can you imagine if i have to repeat IT module.. omg.
really think Ju is very cute.. lol. she's just so comfortable with herself and everything. hehs, why did i even start talking about her?!!
i miss nessie dearie.. she's so unfree! =(
oh yes!! cleo called again yesterday!!! yays.. ya, they told me that the photoshoot last wednesday was actually for everyone cos they had to do a final selection of the girls for the voting page. and they told me i'm one of the finalist!! hehe.. and i was worrying that i'll look terrible in the photo cos of all the demoralizing stuff the woman was saying, "suck in, suck in!! hold that smile!!" lol..
so hope i can win or smth.. haha, gonna be bhb and try get everyone i know to vote for me even if i dont really look that great in the photo. really wana get the 1000bucks, can do loads with it man. well, nessie, i'll start by buying you the converse shoes! then half of it can go to tk so we wont have so much headaches on our outings anymore.. he can bring me to the movies and not feel so bad bout spending on silly shows.
oh, just had some speech test just now.. am glad the teacher said my diction is good. hee..
hmm. okay, i just realised that i'm really just blabbering. but who cares!
p.s. diana? i'm really worry but pls return my money soon?? need to buy shoes and bag la.. shoes spoilt bag always not proper for school..
Wednesday, September 15, 2004 at 1:32 PM
Y Y Y
this girl in my course borrowed my rented vcd from me. and knowing that the date due is last friday, she didnt make any effort to return it to me before hand. so there, she passed it to me just now, and non-chalantly asked then the fine how ar?
what do you mean how, you dumbell. you think i'd help you pay it cos you're so lack in responsibility?? you give me the money to pay la!
of cos i didnt say anything along that line. all i said was, "it's 3bucks."
and so she said, 'oh.. okay, i'll pay you later."
haha. my bet is that later means never. let's just wait and see.
Monday, September 13, 2004 at 1:06 PM
Y Y Y
someone please tell me my new skin is nice! =X
Sunday, September 12, 2004 at 1:08 AM
Y Y Y
study at mac with tk turned sour.
bought myself a burger then some fries for dinner.
halfway through my fries..
i really need to swim! need to lose these fats. *laugh*
"aiya, what's the use?! you eat like that..."
glares and silence.
apologies not accepted.
thanks to all who made my day shitty. especially you.
what happened to your promise?
Saturday, September 11, 2004 at 11:04 PM
Y Y Y
the girl picked up her 5566 mineral water and took sip.
"it's really
pure water!! like really
pure, you know?!!" she bragged to her friends.
rolled our eyes and sniggered.
"it's like 99% totally pure. and only a little tiny bit of lemon taste! you wana try???"
finishing our long john...
"aye, really you know. wow, the water is really very pure! almost tasteless!!!"
frowned.
5566 mineral water that fantastic??
Y Y Y
spurted anger. eat my words.
missed her quite abit.
helpless situation.
was closed then now.
-of u-
wed: harod and kumar. laughed till tummy ache and flinched quite abit. with nessie, i love her!
thurs: 13 going on 30. not a good show. still, managed to make tk enjoy. double sigh and a big thankies for nessie.
jamie, hugs. if it helps, i understand. it hasnt been easy for you, but hold on, will ya? =)
and nessie, i love you. if only i'm in jc with u..
p.s. everyone out there.. i
do know thee translates you. and by saying so, it serves my purpose no more. but it's better than to be thought as some lit idiot.
Y Y Y
not a slight of loneliness
why being alone is always judged as lonely
or is it the pride
that makes me feel so
just didnt want to talk
yet still feel like talking
why is that
and what
why cant people just be together, quiet and happy
why is silence feels discomforting to people
not bothered by how people look at me
yet dont want to be misunderstood
why can things be so simple
yet so complicated too
a sigh and a puff
a heave of relief
friends please dont stop loving thee
Monday, September 06, 2004 at 1:32 PM
Y Y Y
these few days were much better, in fact, great.. =)
tuesday was teachers day. purposely skipped lessons for the first time(i think?) since school started , and went back to my sec school. hate to say this, but i miss it. miss all those days when i always walk around school, fearing to see the discipline teachers. miss teachers scolding me for this and that. miss canteen food, ok, ngee ann also has canteen food, so i mean secondary-priced food. miss some teachers and lots of friends. yeah, seeing all those old friends was really great. couldn't imagine how we can spend this certain number of years of our lives, in a confined classroom, together then just lose touch of one another man.
finally got to see and hang out with the lovelies-cassan, xinyu and weiying. swing and swing and swing. and all that crappy idea from cassan:
we must look really natural, like we're just talking and laughing!! come, let's just keep talking nonsense! what's that for? photo taking. lol..
then headed to heeren for lunch at marche, didnt have much myself cos you know, marche food is really
not "super cheap food", especially when i just lost my wallet.
*sigh*
oh then went to meet up with nessie and just hang around with each other. ice berries teas for us at coffee club express and a muddy mud pie we got sick of.
promise we have the salmon spaghetti the next time we go there! =P
wednesday lesson till 3, ended with a lousy music test by a fucker of a lecturer. hate it so much. anyways, went to meet the lovelies again, to pass some time. they were mugging at coffee bean, poor things. but i added some color to their lives!! *lol* got so tempted by the food at coffee bean that i got myself a kids pasta. was halfway through it when cleo called!!! cleo called! cleo called! cleo called! *grins!!* so damn happy, really thought i didnt stand much of a chance at the interview thingy the last time they called me back. (the thai girl in front of me was so beautiful and slim and tall and sweet, and i am black and fat.) haha.. okay, neways, i really have to start my diet regime! cos next wed will be my cleo photoshoot.. but not before i have cassan's fried rice! yeah, she invited us all to her place for dinner cos 'it's not like i always cook ok!' she spent like ages in the kitchen, shooing us away from helping her-ok, not like i did offer much help though! haha.. the fried rice was really good, love it even when cassan was feeling so lousy over it. silly girl.
after dinner. was about to head to punggol for tuition when my nose started bleeding. *yays* what a good reason to skip tuition and stay around cassan's. then nessie called, so it was town i headed for. caught 'the cinderella story'(real typical cinderella story), even though i know tk n my parents are gonna be so mad at me. enjoyed myself quite abit, laughing at the movie though.
today was nothing much, just a little hanging around with tk and swensen's treat from my bro at tpy! (opps, there goes my regime. haha..) oh, and feeling a little weeny bit lousy over spending so much last night. hurmphs!
Thursday, September 02, 2004 at 10:05 PM
Y Y Y