cellulite can only get me that far.
oh yes, btw, christmas is like in less than 24hours time and i'm very sorry to say that i'm not that prepared for the gifts exchanging part yet. i've thought of a little something for everyone, at least i'm sure it's the everyone i know i do cherish, but i need some time to have them produced. and cos i've been so busy with work, with preparation of first the santarina thing then now, the shoes-painting shoot thati'm gonna do next week. so i'm gonna say this in advance, pardon me if i am not able to whip out something to hand out if any of you were to hand me something tomorrow. please please, save me from embarrassment! i promise it'll be by tuesday/wednesday!

aights. this sounds a little like 'oh hey, maybe she's trying to save on whoever doesnt give her.' so, here's a list of the loves i'll be handing out a little something to:
joy, cassan, xinyu, sarah, sam, eepei, jeanne, ginny, char, daphee, jo, crystal and a couple of others. if i think of more.. ok, you'll get it when you do. =) it's nothing fantabulous neways. heh.

how much you want it.
thank you all those who came and support me last night. especially my fabulous group of lovely girls, who was a fantastic bunch, their enthusiasm is way much hotter than anyone of those ladies on stage, seriously. very touched by how loud they cheered and danced so hard with me, though they were offstage and i was on stage. [because you guys were there to cheer me on, i threw away thoughts of doing stupid acts, just for the fun of it and give everyone a good laugh, on stage instead of acting typically sexy like all other girls, though a very big part is cos i lack the confidence to wow the crowd.] they were such a turn on and gave me the confidence boost i needed, definitely worked way better than the 1can beer, 1 jug beer, 1ribena vodka and 4tequila shots i had before the show.

haha. for those who didnt turn up, you wont understand why i needed to drink so so much before the show. let's just say it took a real damn shitloads of guts. so next time whenever i see someone doing their stuff on stage, no matter how buang how hideous how much it gave me goosebumps, i'll cheer them for their courage!

neways, THANK YOU(once again) to xinyu, apey, sarah, sam, daphee, joy, jeanne, cassan, cliff, linderr and her bf, larry, jo, nick, eepei and her friends and huishan and her friends. and of cos, ginny, whom i haven seen in ages!!!! you promised a date next week, please keep up, i'll too! =)

because of the support i had from them, the judges felt strongly pressurised to name me among the top12. haha. and i had a free 50bucks momo voucher which i splurged right on bourbon coke for a little treat to everyone who came and support. but linderr's bf outdid me by opening a bottle of...was is vodka? i cant remember. but i had so so much to drink, it was a damn wonderful night. and though i didnt win the title, i'm glad i got through the whole thing. and in myself, i felt like a winner(especially how sam, sarah, jeanne and all were kept yelling 'kelong' when someone else was titled miss momo santarina. haha. they're a hilarious bunch). it's returned me the confidence i've lost...roughly a month back. =)

oh yes, and top12s were asked 'what makes you deserve to be miss momo santarina?' and i thought of saying, 'i might just be a nobody somewhere in a corner drinking whisky dry and watching this show but because everyone deserves to be somebody, and i got this opportunity to be up here tonight, especially with all the support from my dear friends, i ought to make it somehow to show that anyone can be a someone!'
haha! then i thought bloody hell. sounds like i'm in ms singapore or some fuck. the thought of it now makes me wanna laugh out loud. it's not that i'm desperately vying to be labelled miss santarina or smth(the publicity does really annoys me) but i thought since i'm already there and doing all the cheesy fuck on stage, it'll be so damn good if i get the 1000bucks. i can very much do a lot with it! but hell, it's not that much of a big deal either lah.
cos you know what's funnier? this morning my mom told me that last night, she told dad that i joined this competition and stand a chance to win 1000 and i've like 13friends there to support me. and my dad laughed and said, 'if she wins the money she sure kena hoot(bashed up), where got enough to split with 13girls!'
and that's not all. on thursday night, i got home from rehearsal with gold eye make up. he said, 'aiyo what happened to your eyes?!' and i was a little taken aback, didnt know what he was talking bout, 'huh what?' and he said, 'eyes so small already still colour until like that!'
and the morning of the competition, my mom smsed me, 'please dont fall down and zhao geng.'
i still love them all the same. =)

ogay, photos will be uploaded another day when i get everything from everyone else cos my pics taken in my cammie looks pretty shiteh. haha. i'll still upload them of cos, since sarah and sam look damn hot!! but along with all the other photos, so, wait. =)


on something else, ouch. but thanks.

some nights i sit by myself and snigger at the things i do.

yeah, i guess i've been giving too much thoughts into the momo santarina competition thing. first, it was the girl next door thing which i eventually still back out even after all that deep consideration. haha.

well, not that i've any interest in appearing in fhm again for some girl next door search rubbish. firstly, i didnt even know i was asked to go down to fhm headquarters for a photoshoot for girl next door. nina from momo jsut called and said i was selected for the santarina thing and she's gonna submit my name to fhm so i said ok. of cos the asking me to bring bikini gear thing should have given away, like i was wondering what the heck has santarina gotta do with me in bikini and someone gave a pretty acceptable answer 'sex sells'.
but well, after much contemplation and pestering people with questions of 'should i go x 100', a thought struck me - i should really get my parents a pair of cruise tickets(after seeing my dad so anxious bout getting the cruise tickets from the dbs credit card promo thing, but failed to do so, which i'll elaborate in another entry.) so if i win the 1000bucks, it'll come in handy.
and so, i made my way down with larry. i was asked to a room to sign some contracts stuff which larry wasn't even allowed in. and it was when i step into the room, that i realised i took a 10bucks cab down for a shitass dumb girl-next-door competition.
and the girl beside me started scribbling her particulars on the form and after flipping through the 3pages long terms n condition without even scan reading, she signed her name and made herself available to any kind of shots fhm would like to do to her, if she were to win the measly sum of 1000bucks. plus, attending any social event held by fhm in association to the competition. it's like working as call girls for them free(if you dont win eventually)!
so 1000bucks might sound a lot but please, i wouldnt even show myself in g string to a single stranger for 10,000(ok, maybe a 5secs flash might be ok? haha!). much less said being paid 1000 to show the whole nation including the possibility of your own dad oogling at it then to realise it's you! oh i can practically see my dad's face already. plus the horny smirks you might get from strangers along the streets and even your relatives and fuck, my dad's friends. haha!
i know i'm definitely worth so much more, so i walked out. i'm sure my parents will be happy i made that decision too. =)

and so, a week later, nina from momo called again and said that i'm selected for the santarina competition this time. i almost wanted to ask, what time, you said i was awhile back and it was pretty bullshit. alright, so it's probably miscommunication. anyway, so i said yes, i might be interested.
but ever since then i've been contemplating, yet again, if i should really do it. especially after turning up for the rehearsal just now. you see, we are told to do catwalk, 3secs pose, walk some more, then! bloodypolefuckingdance. when i heard that we have to do the 3secs pose thing, i was laughing bout it with joy. the only thing i can imagine myself posing is doing fugly faces and act dingdong. and then when i heard poledance, i nearly peed. yes, alright, so it's cos the only thing i've in association with poles, is lifting my leg and pee. i dont think i can fucking poledance. honestly, and quite embarrassingly, sometimes when i'm on the dancefloor i even hafta eyes-rove the other girls and steal dance moves! haha!
but well, larry said, just do it for the fun and enjoy it. and i thought, yeah, i've been giving it way too much thought. and at least for this, and at least by far, i dont have to sign any kinda black and white with them which makes me feel safer. and of cos, if i were to win the 1000, it will make the night even more fabulous. =D

haha. alright, for now, i need to sleep badly. i've been a superwoman again, getting my ass up this morning at 9am despite a terrible hangover from last night. night world. =)

the smile is back.




















never mind about unglam friendster profile or the lack of speech due to heightened...(or is it lowered? haha!) testerone levels, you sure know where to score. =)

sober, but not quite there.
Just have a little patience
Still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
But any minute all the pain will stop

Just hold me close
Inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions

Cause I.........
Need time......
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try........
And have a little patience

I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend

I'll try to be strong
Believe me I'm trying to move on
Its complicated but understand me

Cause I.........
Need time......
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try........
And have a little patience

Cause the scars run so deep
It's been hard but I have to believe
Have a little patience
Have a little patience, woah

Cause I, I just need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing

Just try and have a little patience

Have a little patience
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience

my past few days.

fri, 8th dec
exactly a month after the break up and i can say, for sure, i'm over it. went to sim lim sq to work at the IT roadshow, which paid us a handsome amount just to walk around and give out phamplets! but being visually-raped by lao di kos needs a lot of getting used to. and the angmos, as usual, are more verbally-open about their humsup-ness, not that i want to know.
'whoa, nice legs.' - is the mildest.
'make sure your number is on it(the phamplet)!'
'if only you come with it(the phamplet)' - i felt like slapping him already.
maybe the 8th is cursed, for me, cos i also got a ticket for...flicking the fag-end. ="( there goes my pay straight away.
and then it was to zouk to get complimentary 'zout out' tickets, misreaded from 'pre zouk out'. i'll do an edit on this part when i get the photos from joy when she comes back from bangkok.

feel bloody stupid after cheat-collecting like 8passes then happily asking friends if they wana buy it cheap from us, then, realised it say zouk & phu. waha!

sat, 9th dec
lunch and shopping with mummykins in town. i love her shitless especially when she's in a pretty mood and decides everything with her cards. teehee. now i've got a pretty dress from tangs to wear from christmas. =)
after she left in the evening to meet my dad, i had to lug all my shopping bags around paragon to win that ipod nano for my sister with the dbs card. (and yays, got it!!)
but that's not as bad as lugging them to mos, especially when the crowd that night was like WHOA. there was a queue all the way to liang court. thank goodness for char's membership card, we didnt hafta queue a single bit and can even lounge at the vip area and thus, took a picture with pierre png! OMG! my heart nearly jumped out after i went, 'hi, do you mind taking a picture with us?'

so there, though i think i look fugly here, who cares! it's AH PNG!!! *run road the field waving my arms in the arm madly*










11th dec, mon
helped jo and friends to win $100voucher and shuffle. and we had dinner at nydc after my work ended at 9pm. then it was movies. pretty much an enjoyable night, albeit being really sleepy, and the cause of the meet up. haha. felt like matchmaking date man.
something i thought of. you sometimes see husbands telling their wives off for being 'aunty' or 'cheapskates' or 'kiasu' when they got excited about promotions, etc. but do you see boyfriends telling their girlfriends that? i dont think so huh, some even encourage their girlfriends to help them get this or that, since it's free. why's that so? is it purely cos the mentality of men changes when financial capability becomes broader or is there something else?
oh yes, i like deja vu. go watch it, worth the weekend price even. and larry kept explaining to me the difficult chemical stuff mentioned in the movie, though i didnt ask. but, how nice! =) and i returned it by constantly guessing what's gonna happen next and i pretty much got them right. haha! it must be pretty irritating really. but that's cos i dont quite fancy suspense. i get startled easily so i always like to know/guess what's gonna happen.

12th dec, tue
got up early to a sunny weather. went tanning at the private area behind my place again and did work outs. makes me feel like a superwoman or something, like, such an accomplished day! haha.
which reminds me of this thing i read before about men having a much higher possibility to commit suicide when they're single, than women.
go figure.

from top or from bottom?

still dont know if i should.

was looking at my old photos and i came across these...


























i kinda miss the long hair, though i really really fancy the short funky look i've now. how now brown cow??

011206 - off day.
off day and i actually went down to visit them. lols. oh, it was that day i met up with ruff too so it was more of like bringing him over to say hi to jo. then i met up with eepei and crystal for a quick dinner affair. then i cant rmb where i went thereafter... oh! jo drove me home.


























and i'm depress at how active my tummy is!! =(((
before dinner tummy:


























after dinner tummy:


























211106 - xinyu's finally back!!!
























xinyu picked us up after work and drove us to chomps for food and then chill at coffeebean. i'm so so so happy for her love love life. =)

i kinda miss not fagging, at all.

i took 3 nights to finish harrypotter3(or they call it 'and the goblet of fire). of cos again, i'd say, nothing beats relishing the whole story from page to page. ok, maybe except for the weasley twins. i still think they're very very cute. and oh ya, i nearly faint when i saw harry potter so-very-wow body. haha. i sound like a...pyscho.

and this is not even my first time watching it.

anyway, i found this 'freckle' thing on my knee. at first i thought it's like dried skin, the kind you scrape yourself and the wound heals. but on closer look just now, i realised it isnt and i cant scratch it off. and i think it looks like the kinda 'mole' thing you see on phamplets warning about skin cancer. so i tried to see if there's any hair growing out of it, cos you know they said if it's a hairless mole, it's cancerous.

but fuck, it's so hard to determine cos i dont even possess (visible) hair on my pits.

ok, maybe i should do less of sun. and possibly fagging too.
off to bed now.

you have no rights!

fuck. i'm freaking pissed.
you've no right in calling me in the first place, and absolutely none at calling me at such ungodly hour. i was sleeping good and early for fucking once in such a mother fucker bloody long time and you have to wake me up.
you're sorry you woke me? good. now leave me alone!

and to those whom i dont even know, please dont be such bloody stupid idiots and think i'll approve you of viewing my private photos in friendster. i know what your dirty fucked up minds are thinking. those pictures are NOT my porn pictures, not even anywhere close. so there, FUCK OFF.



ok, and since i'm up.

041206 - all in a day's work.





















my own set of emoticons.

and the 2 who proudly (with not a single bit of shame) proclaimed that they can flood my camera. and did so.

her dad practically shove her into my arms for a picture.

and so, how could we resist?


051206 - neyton's POP day at tekong.





















sunny flower from the one who's love me for 12years. ilu.




















i know i laughed the hardest when he first shaved it all. but today i realised, it doesnt look that bad lah. =p

after leaving tekong, we headed to whitesands for bens&jerrys, then taxi-ed to neyton's place where he got changed, then taxi-ed to the new ikea for the much missed and anticipated meatballs. all expenses paid for by neyton tan who insists that money issue should never be a problem between friends. let's see you say that when you're broke one day. haha! but ok, today's reason for treating, was that to 'pay' me back for having cancelled work for accompanying joy to tekong to see her lovelove. but joy, for you, anytime. =)

oh and. as much as it's said that ''after months on the island, you can literally see the stamp 'i need pussy' on their heads'', hearing that mr-so-and-so wants an introduction, gives me a wee bit of thrill. like, whoa, i'm still counting kills! (albeit being spotted among the crowd by jo's bf and wondered aloud to jo if i'm a mother or a girlfriend. jo, the hot mama or hot gf thing doesnt soothe a single bit lah! tksvm.)




and lastly, before i call it a night(for the 2nd time!), congratulations to cousin zoelle, who's given birth to a healthy 2nd son, marcel.

newborn marcel baby.

that's zoelle's husband with their 2sons. older son, matthias is really a bundle of charm and cuteness.


alright. night world.

and i'm supposed to be feeling good bout it. =(

looking at those pictures in cassan's blog makes me feel a little shitty. all that fun she's had in aussie. makes me wish to have chosen to study abroad, especially now that i'm single and... ok, ya, single. my life seems to have come to a standstill. i'm not unhappy. but, neither am i like, happy. i think i feel old. everyday after work, i just feel like rushing home and probably watch vcds.

i even have no qualms about leaving mos early.

but i know. i probably dont even have the guts or independency to do it alone. oh, studying abroad i mean. i just know. and then, sometimes i wish i'm born a guy and i've to serve ns. it's tiring and gruelling, yes. but still, look at the fun they are having. and travelling and drinking and just fooling around. yes fooling around.

they are left behind by the girls, having wasted 2yrs serving the nation? i dont think so. guys, they dont come like girls with expiry dates. they Have all the time in the world. seriously. i think the girls who dont go ns suffer more than anything, look at the number of broken relationships. c'mon, dont go tell me about the guys who have their hearts broken when their gfs leave. it's nothing really, compared to the girls who have waited and wasted 2yrs and get dumped eventually.

guys who are not trash, i can count them with my fingers. ok, might borrow my toes just for friendship sake.


sigh. i think you'd rather watch paint dry than read my blog. dont you?
and i think i might just grow old alone.
single. bitter. lonely.
ugly.
graceless.
eating cookies dipped in milk.

probably till tomorrow... mr charming might just walk round the corner. that's if.

i knew this day would come.

arent you cursing yourself now?

ooh. and of course, i still remember chinese new year.



makes me smile and wonder when would be your turn.





because i grow and i glow.
and i will make the rhoosters proud. =)

i've got a plan. and you've got to trust.

sheesh. look at the big yummy sun.



and sentosa trip's been cancelled cos we are all lazy bones.
pffft.

in all good. =)
'important mission' as char called it, went alright.
needed the meet up for a couple of reasons.
1. seek the answers to the questions that have been bugging me.
2. see with my own eyes that i no longer mean a thing.
3. see how much guts i've in me face it.
4. sum things up for myself so i can move on properly.
5. see him again, with still a little emotions attached, for the last time.

and after meeting him, i felt better and... lighter? ok, like i've got the chains i've been locking myself up with, lifted. it's like, yeah, like what sarah said 'A person from your romantic past broke your heart so badly that it has never been able to heal. Sounds familiar? Its in you baby, its in you.'

at least, a part, a whole big part.

and i feel pretty good. cos i used to be unable to do meet up talkings with tk, probably a big reason is cos most of the times i feel over intimidated. but still, being able to do it this time makes me feel... strong? haha.

alright. i've a little more to talk bout but i cant piece things properly now. fucking sleepy and my body feels like jello, like right after 5rounds of shitting. and tmr's gonna be a good busy day so i'm gonna pump up the energy!

whoopie, it's been some time, mos!