Purely Your Imagination

vera in context.

vera's johari

(ripped this somewhere which i think is really true!) ARIES WOMAN >> >>She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal >>frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things >>and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even >>real, so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. >>She >>think only good things so she prepares and always make arrangement for >>herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed. >> >>If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This >>seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face >>mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, >>slight tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing >>or mixture of character. >> >>Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She >>thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize >>everything from her childhood. When she faces with problems, she will >>handle them and solving them very well, and at the same time showing other >>people >>that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems in >>crisis better than many other Zodiac. Once she determine to do thing, >>nothing will stop her. >> >>Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another >>woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirty >>dancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek. >>She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold >>and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she >>choose you, she will need to be proud of you. >> >>"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is >>"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She >>plans her life, and socially life easily and very carefully. She is also >>very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance >>because she loves ambition and a good life. She need lots of love, but do >>not >>want and do not belief in an occasional or unconventional love. >> >>She is a proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come >>from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth >>anyway (certainly there are always exception). She always look cool even >>when she is not. She like to make people see her as "secure and confident" >>even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you >>can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time. >> >>You never have all her times, for she likes to work hard and also spent >>some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a >>"Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most >>likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is a romantic and >>artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her >>beautiful >>imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan. >> >>A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a high >>point, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will >>not show her ambition, but she will show that she satisfy with herself >>now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but sure. >> >>If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is >>stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person, >>but in fact she can stick you down like a super glue without you knowing >>it.

i want/i need.

air. love. food. air. air. air.

a little tribute and let's move on.
"Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or neither been
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you"

i got the above from clara's blog. most of which speaks for certain parts in me that i didnt know how to explain in words. i think sometimes words make things too simple. some thoughts and feelings can never be pieced in any words.

however for my version, i do not have difficulty finding ways to let you go, to move on - now. you might say it's cos of the happiness someone else has been providing me with, i wont deny. but there are certainly other reasons too. i know we both love each other and the years that we've spent together made it even harder to let go. but when this love always find a certain way to make us both hurt, we've to end it.

i'm sorry i didnt believe you when you said it's better we end it and move on a few months back. i'm sorry i was so stubborn and weak that i didnt allow you to go. and i'm sorry that when you decide to give us a chance again, i decide to let go.

for all the misunderstandings you might have of me, it really wasnt easy to come to this decision. i do cry for feeling the hurt i caused you and i do hate myself for doing so.

and i know, i chose to leave, all for my selfish reasons.

because of all the past experiences we share, i'm too afraid to carry on with you. each time we reach a certain happy phrase in the relationship, i start fearing when the pain is gonna drive in again. i'm scared of being at the top of the mountain and having to fall back down real hard, i'd rather not venture there again.

you might say we're both changing and accomodating to each other but how long are these changes going to last and can they last? i feel stupid cos i was the one who kept insisting that we can work on our huge differences and make us both work out when you did say it might not. and i feel even stupider now that i finally see i dont behold the strength in achieving what i believed in.

and i also dont like the feeling of not being able to be myself anymore. i've tried but it doesnt feel right not being able to do the things i'd normally do, like burping out loud in public, vending vulgarities from my mouth, clubbing as much as i want to, etc, just cos i'm in a relationship. i know they are things i should not be proud of but i dont think they're anything to be ashamed of either and i'm certainly not'shitting with my life' like you put it. it's just the way i see life and deal with it. i live it.

i want to thank you for the years we've spent together. for the changes you've tried to make for me. for the amount of effort you did put in. for the care and concern you've for me. and most importantly, for the love we both shared.

and i want you to know, it's not easy, never easy, for me to move on either. i still sit in buses, alone, listenining to my poddy and wonder if there'll ever be a day when i might break down all over again from regrets of making this decision. my heart does hurt whenever i come across the pictures of us in my lappy, my hp, my books, my whatever. and i still want to know if you're doing fine and wish that you'll do fine.

but i strongly want to believe that i will not go down the regrets lane again. i want to find happiness elsewhere. even if there's no one else to give me this happiness, i want to learn that i can give it to myself too. i want to be self-dependent on my own happiness, and i should. everyone should. and even if one day i were to feel the slightest sense of remorse, i want to be able to live with it. i want myself to learn to be strong enough to take it, be happy with the decision i've chosen for myself.

and if anything, i do sincerely hope that our promise to be friends for life even if things doesnt work out, will not be broken.

p.s. i took a long while contemplating if i should blog these out. and now that i finally decide i'm ready to make these feelings public, i've since moved on to another chapter in life.

*edit (add on)

Knowing Me Knowing You

No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(This time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Mem'ries (mem'ries), good days (good days), bad days (bad days)
They'll be (they'll be), with me (with me) always (always)
In these old familiar rooms children would play
Now there's only emptiness, nothing to say

Sunday, October 08, 2006 at 11:38 PM

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