cherish and content.
it's ironic how girls(prob not all girls, but the handful i know?) work with relationships.

there are the ones who always advice not to fall in love and get hurt, yet you see them falling in love and getting hurt as soon as they advice. there are the ones who never stop talking about wanting to fall in love, yet never do, but, still happy. there are the ones who talk of strong principles yet find it hard to apply when in love.

i would very much like to think that i've a very balanced out love life. when crystal said she cant stand it when friends fall in love and start neglecting other friends. and i just nodded in agreement. i thought everyone should have a balance with spending time with the respective love ones. yet when i'm in love, i find it a rule hard to abide to. and i end up scheduling every single day for him.

jo said, 'and of cos u've gotta balance it out too. not don't fall in love. just dont lose urself when u do. don't give up your life for the guy, unless u're absolutely sure he's worth it and he's gonna be the one u spend ur life with. ;) u gotta do what you like, he's gonna wanna do what he likes with or without you, and you can do things the both of u like to do together. always balance. like balanced diet, balanced scale, all as impt.'

she pretty much summed up what i believe in too. yet it's just so hard when you know you want to see that particular someone day after day and it takes a damn long while to suddenly feel that you're missing the friends you've been neglecting. or is it just me?

and i cant help but worry silly small thoughts like,
what if he gets sick and tired of seeing me everyday?
what if he doesnt want to see me today?
what if he starts taking things for granted?
what if he sees it as i'll ask to meet up when i want to so there's no need for him to ask to meet up when i dont?

all the whatifs scenarios i can think of even though i know deep down it's probably not gonna happen. like i was just telling joy today, "no matter our workload, we tend to push it off just to squeeze ample time to spend with them, then rush like crazy to finish the work. yet we hardly se them doing the same for us huh?"

i think love seems to have a lose-lose situation to it. when we have a perfect and complete relationship, we fear of losing it and having to pick ourselves up all over again. when we have the bastard boyfriends, we fear of not being able to let go nor hang on.

or am i too pessimistic? *shrugs* i do seriously fear of falling and having to pick myself up all over again.

and so there are the ones supposedly have happy and good relationship yet damage everything themselves by worrying the smallest silliest things.
hey, why doesnt he blog about me does that means that he's not that happy about how things are going?
hey, why doesnt he sms me now?
hey, why is he spending so much more time with his friends all of a sudden?
hey, why doesnt he post pictures of us in his friendster, he doesnt like those pictures?

and yes, shamefully, i'm guilty of similar worries stated above. and i know how stupid and pathetic it is to not see the whole big picture yet focus on the small unimportant ones.

alright, so maybe what i really need to do is spend more time with my friends. do the things i want or need to do as and when. get down to real business with schoolwork and give it more prority than i've been giving it. (and maybe i can see if he'll start asking me out instead?) haha! you see!! argh. it's just in me.

pfft. girls. i'll never understand them! haha!!

alright. so the most important thing, in love, and in life too, is to be contented with what i already have. how he calls me 'baby' like it's the most natural thing even though i feel too huge to be called one, how he says i'm like his 'shampoo and facial foam.. must have everyday!', how he kisses my sweaty forehead and says he loves me... =)



oh, i just remember about this thought i was having in the afternoon. how much do i actually know my parents? sadly, i think i know most of my friends better than i do of my own parents.

today, after the usual lunch affair with the family, my parents rushed me from places to places to just settle my problem of not having a sewing machine at home. it was to PS first for the initial plan of buying one. then to grandma's then aunt's to borrow. then finally the old house to get the really old and huge one that's not been in use for ages.

the old house was where i grew up in, where my grandma brought me up. stepping into it again gave me such fond memories, yet it seems like all the familiarity with the house isn't there anymore. what's left behind is a thick black layer of dust and cobweb. there's this feeling bout it i cant explain.

oh anyway, it was just dad n i at the house and we had to carry the huge sewing machine down to the porch and put into the car. and i didnt know he measures things the way i do too! it's hard to explain how he did it, but it's the left finger to right finger = 1 feet, visually cut the machine into number of feet. uh, you know? ha. and i got pretty excited and told him i measure things like that too.

and after we both carried the machine down the flight of stairs, he started shifting it nearer to the car alone. and he said, 'wow, i didnt know you have so much strength. it's so much heavier when you're carrying it with me and i thought the machine's pretty light when we're climbing down the stairs.'

it feels pretty good with us talking like that. dad and i always seem to have this communication barrier between us. or should i say, dad has a communication barrier with most people except my mom. haha.

and so, half a day he's wasted to get a sewing machine for me and to order me a new mattress to replace the old one. i love you dad, though i have never said it to you.

oh and before i forget, i love how he's responsible in teaching his children to be considerate. the other day we were eating at the hawker and i blew my nose and placed my tissue beside the plates we've emptied of the food. and he told me to throw it in the bin myself cos the cleaners shouldnt be clearing that for me.it made me feel so proud of having him for my dad. =)



alright. on my schoolwork, i'm pretty much prepared to see lynn tomorrow with the work i've gotten done for design studio. and i know i'll be able to get my sewing done in time by tues for submission. of the record, this weekend i've done:
-sewing of the mock piece of the final garment
-60 theme designs
-6 selected pieces
-chosen fabric
-redrawn final garment's pattern drafting
-moodboard
-cut out fabric for actual piece of the final garment to sew tomorrow
-technical drawings

yeahyeahyeahs! =))) i'm so so proud of myself.

you said you want to take me everywhere you go.

it's been a sinful week on my tummy, i've been munching and munching non stop, allowing myself to eat more than i usually do just to satisfy the hunger pangs. and that for pms and the stress schoolwork's been putting me through.

i want to feel alright bout it. that i deserve the short break, put on a little fat and lose it later. but i look at my fugly tummy, i cant. i dont want to be as fat as i was a few months back again. no! so i want fags. fags kill the appetite. and i definitely need it to release the stress in me.

i dont know if it's cos of all these that's been making me think too much. but i think i understand how exactly this feels:

'It may be silly for me to feel this way. To say the things i said. But its what i feel. Like it or not.
I’m sorry if it ticks you off. i’m sorry if you think i’m unreasonable. i’m sorry if you think i’m stupid.
Sometimes i just need you to make me feel like you want me. not me hanging around your neck like your toy monkey. i’m don’t want to feel this way.'


there've been lots of questions swirling through my head. and the reason why i'm not sounding them out is that i know how stupid i'll sound when i say them out. argh! i hope very much that it's just me, still unready from the previous scare.

anyway, it's been good getting ahead with my schoolwork. 2 more weeks and whoopeedoodoodoo!!! =)

the guardian.
it was a very good show, and cos according to sarah: every show that gives goosebumps is a good show, this must be a darn good show cos i had goosebumps right from the start of the show.

and hotness was ruff in formal wear, shirt pants tie, for his interview. but he still acts like a kid. which never fails to make me smile at the thought of it. alright, so everything bout him is making me smile. from the chunks of army wear and towels hung out to dry to the way he still asks his maid to pour him a drink to trying out shirts after shirts to alright, so i've said everything.

and now, tonight, i've 40theme designs to re-work on, 5 technical drawings and a 750words report to complete. =((( or lynn's so gonna blow her top at my tmr. and i think i deserve that.

5secs thoughts.

wow. so hot! =)

flicker minded.
this afternoon as i was on bus 106 to meet the lovely one, i was just enjoying the time by myself. and i was thinking it was such a great raining day, listening to my poddy and taking bus ride. and i really liked it. but by the end of the evening i was cursing the rain for making the roads so slippy i almost slip 5 times while walking the lane up to my house, and for making the weather so freaking cold that i almost freezed in the train and it sure doesnt help that i needed to pee badly. it felt like my pee had ice-cubed itself, it surprised me that it didnt come out the way cartoons show when they pee in winters.

and i hate having periods. albeit having a good reason to be munching and munching away on anything, anytime, my stomach is all bloated up and i feel so goddamned fat and period always drain my energy away like my dad's lexus drinking the petrol up like water. i slept most of my long weekend break(from last fri to today!!), and i didnt get much work done which i had intended to, and the worst thing is that i'm still sleepy!! argh. and cramps after cold drinks. i love my drinks cold and not being able to drink it is such a torture. but i just read an email that says drinkin cold stuff after a meal gives us a higher possibility of getting cancer. and i'm seriously worried bout it, then again it must be ironic that i would care bout that when i'm doing somehting much worse to my body all the time. soon, i will be really health concious and cut myself from all that harmful stuff so i can live longer, so i can grow old with the lovely one. =) soon. would you do it with me too??

i really need to stop procrastinating my work. i've been getting some of them done but it's so slow paced i think i'm gonna die come assesment week! i need to feel the rush and the adrenalin kicking in. that's when i'll sit myself down and really get down to work. that's when i feel inspirated to do my stuff. that's why i've always said i'm a last minute worker. argh. but so so many times i've also told myself i could have done better if i had more time!! but, my brain's so blocked when i dont feel the rush! i tried to sit myself down to draw but i just cant think of fantastic ideas to finish my stuff. this is sick.

i really admire eliza for having the courage to quit school just like that. i wish i could too. but it gives me this feeling like i'm just choosing the easy way out of things and it's really not good(having said that i dont mean eliza's done that. i'm sure she's got her reasons for having done so). and where can i go if i were to just quit? no where. if only i live in my parents' time, not having qualification wouldnt be all that scary. and then again, half the time i'm playing with the idea of quitting school just so i can club more often and all, just so my parents wouldnt breathe down my neck like they're doing so now. and this is so so so not good, and i've already used that line. so alright, quitting school is a completely stupid idea. pfft.

why like that. why cant we have the best(s) of the world! and why must the world move and develop so goddamned fast! why cant people stop inventing new things and start setting up profit-earning corporations that help improve the livelihood in the undeveloped countries? and the government of all developed countries should hold the responsibility to pump money into helping the undeveloped countries. offering jobs to people to help the other people in need. benefits everyone. maybe Mao was right in some ways, he was such a brilliant man for a time anyway. it'll be such a great idea dont you think? if only you know what i'm talking about.

haha and just in time, radio's playing michael jackson's 'we're the world'. i really love the song done by a whole mixture of singers. if you've seen the mtv, you can see how much the whole gang of them enjoyed singing that song. esp cyndi lauper, she's so bloody cool and her voice just makes me wana go lala.

ah. such randomness. and i just told eepei i was gonna sleep early for morning class tmr! alright. i'm off to bed now.

47 questions and im gonna throw up...
Message:

Q1) Last thing you burned while attempting to
cook?
neyton's mom's pots.

Q2) Describe yourself in three words?
i love ruff.

Q3) How long does it take to get ready for your
day?
1hour. 45mins snoozing the alarm. 15mins to dress to kill.

Q4) Favorite place to blow 50?
ktv.

Q5) How many people have you thought were "the
one"?
ah one ah two ah one two three four. the one? what one?

Q6) What is something that turns you off from the
opposite sex?
the one who needs to be in the center of attention all the time and thinks he's handsome.

Q7) What kind of car do you drive?
the 20cents/ride car.

Q8) What's in your CD player right now?
elizabeth town ost

Q9) What celebrity would you have coffee with?
jackie chan. so i can tell him he's really getting old, stop pairing himself up with sweet 20s in films!

Q10) What celebrity would you NOT have coffee
with?
daniel wu. we'd jump straight in bed.

Q11) What kind of toothpaste do you use?
i cant remember. lemmie check......*realises she
has to get off the chair to look for the brand,so
she decides not to get up.*

Q12) What time do you usually go to bed?
all sorts of timing of the day. ask anyone.

Q13) Last movie you saw?
shit. oh SILK!

Q14) Last TV show you watched?
some hk horror show.

Q15) Who is your best friend?
none yet. there's a nomination list though.

Q16) Who in your family do you best get along
with?
my lappy. oh ok, as in breathing one? erm. erm. erm. ok my sis.

Q17) Who do you have a crush on?
*coy smile*

Q18) What time is it right now?
11.47pm

Q19) Are you planning a vacation/travel?
nope. i'm too busy flying around to plan. poor me.

Q20) When/Where was the last time you traveled?
oh erm the day before, amsterdam. okok, seriously, just now, bout 9pm. from holland close back home.

Q21) How many times have you been in love?
does the childhood ronald macdonalds count?

Q22) How old will you be in 10 years?
21. as always.

Q23) Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
blissfully married.

Q24) Sinful snacking weakness?
omg, anything edible.

Q25) Roller Coasters?
im in!

Q26) Ever run out of gas?
fart or fuel? fart, never!

Q27) Ever been on a train?
possible not to here? highly doubt so.

Q28) Ever been on a blind date?
no. dont intend to.

Q29) Ever been to Europe?
never.

Q30) What would you do if you could be the
opposite sex for one day?
sex. i've always always always wanted to know how the dick feels inside the pussy. and how it feels grabbing the tits. dont you? honestly!

Q31) Would you tell anyone it was really you?
yes. ruff. and ask if he still loves me. =P

Q32) Ever been arrested?
do i look like a novice?

Q33) Have a crush on anyone you work with?
hmm.

Q34) What is something you believe in?
praying.

Q35) What is something you fear?
breaking up.

Q36) Big or small?
big wide grin. =D

Q37) What is the worst physical pain you have
ever experienced?
my dad lashing me with his belt. but i didnt cry. i wouldnt.

Q38) What is your favorite television show?
those stupid taiwan variety shows.

Q39) Ever photoshopped yourself to look better in
a picture?
nope. picasa! change colours and voila, pamela anderson!

Q40) Tell us something about your childhood?
my bro and i played soccer.

Q41) What would it cost you to flash the person
next to you?
priceless.

Q42) Best time to catch you in a good mood?
after spritzing perfume.

Q43) If you could be anything for one day, what
would it be?
the car that's able to drive itself into gin's F. he'd die so gin'll be happy again.

Q44) Most prized possession?
ruff's love.

Q45) Would you ever sell it/how much?
i'll kill anyone possible bidder.

Q46) What is one of your pet peeves?
peeling nail polish, dried blisters, dead skin, chipped nails. agh.

Q47) Favorite kind of ice cream?
bens and jerrys. orgasmic!


i'm doing gym tmr to burn off the fats i've put on these few days! tell me i can do it!



argh.

if you can 'restart' your life, what changes will you make?
on the bus ride home, i thought of a couple of things. things i'd love to do should i be able to 'restart' my life all over again. if i can 'restart' it, i'd like to:
- insist in continuing my ballet lessons even though the centre'd shifted far far away.
- take up sports as cca in primary school and be really involved in them.
- spat in the faces of most of the classmates in pri sch class 4A2 and use really chim english to throw insults back at them.
- use a permanent marker and draw on lwl's face each time she draws a line on MY table n ask me not to cross it. (FUCK YOU.)
- tell mr ng chun seng to fuck off and not talk to my mom.
- tell ms susana lim never to talk students into converting to christianity when they are too young to know the meaning of it all.
- hug 'mung gay'. (honestly, as much as i still make fun of that name and the whole stupid joke, esp after the whole school was teasing her and doing the 'mung gay disease' thing, i feel bad for her.)
- tell mitchell that 'loving God' DOESNT necessary make you a good person, and that she didnt even know God.
- tell joy i love her.
- do badminton in sec sch.
- take part in plays in sec sch.
- not be that rebellious towards my parents and not attempt suicide.
- not falling in love.
- take up lit for Os and tell ms ong that i DIDNT hafta drop A.maths.
- go jc. major arts. go uni. major history.
- join 2years ns like the guys. (seriously.)

i've always wanted to do lots of things but i didnt have the guts to do it. and i do regret that my guts and boldness come only now. why wasnt i more out spoken before? why wasnt i more daring, more loud, more funny, more spontaneous? why?
there are a few other things i wanted to change but i cant remember them now. cos i then thought of this, what if i had went that path and still have other regrets bout not doing this and that? like now, i keep having this thought of doing air-stewarding but i've been brushing it aside cos i just dont think i'm cut out to do it. appearance issues aside, i think i'll be afraid to sleep alone in hotel rooms. and i was thinking, what if another 5years down the road i feel like slapping myself for not having done that too?
and i dont want that. i want to be happy bout the decisions i made for myself. i want to be satisfied with what i have, with my life and how it turns out. or else i'll never be satisfied. never.
and as if to show me that i'm right, i got home to a couple of things that made me smile, that gave me this warm fuzzy feeling in me.

1. ruff calling me. =)
2. my sister showing me the new bras she's got, she's growing big, uh, i mean up!
3. tags by cassan and xinyu. i really miss talking to them, like really talking.
4. friendster msg from joanna(which never fail to make me smile when i read them).


so, how can i not love my life as it is? there are more than 101 things to be happy about it!

alter ego?

"i either think happy stuff or stuff so sad it gets me crying before bed and then i wake up with puffy eyes"

for the times you had to cry yourself to sleep, * hugs *. cos i know exactly how it feels. i've been down that lane.


they say love makes people sleep better/easier. i dunno. but i'm definitely sleeping fine now.

wo ai ni de yuan yin. =)

things to get me laughing. =D

oh i like movie - silk. i think it's not bad. not too scary and story line not way crappy. haha. but we didnt get to have Shima buffet! agh. i was thinking of shoving chunks after chunks of salmon and teppanyaki beef into my mouth. haha! oh wells. i enjoyed the night nonetheless. =)

RAphael. says (11:28 PM):
lalalala
12 jetplanes. says (11:28 PM):
yes baby?
RAphael. says (11:29 PM):
i love you : )

how many times have i typed =) smiley already! =) =) =)

saturn balls please.
this is hilarious.
vera: help me get mars bars please!
ruff: mars bars? what's that?
v: uh, you just go down to the shop Chippy downstairs n order. they'll know.
r: oh ok... that's all?
v: oh and i want it with vanilla ice cream.
r: ok.
v: oh ya ya, and saturn balls too!
r: huh what?
v: eh just say mars bars with vanilla ice cream and saturn balls, they'll know.
r: really ah? ok...

r: er, 2 mars bars with vanilla ice cream.
chippy butch: ok. anything else?
r: and erm saturn balls.
cb: what?
r: oh do you all have saturn balls?
cb: uh no.

serves u right for ALWAYS smoking me!!! =p


but, thanks for today. =) i know it must be pretty boring to be trapped in my tiny workplace for 5 hrs and just do nothing when you'd have gone home to sleep or study(which i highly doubt you will! haha.) and for insisting in sending me home all the time though i very much rather you save the money you use for cabbing home from my place after that! take more public transport and get yourself that 89bucks shoes!!!
oh yes, i really feel so wrong bout having those thoughts mentioned in the previous entry. they're so bloody silly of me. argh. sincerely, sorry ruff. =)


ah... short school break till next thurs! i promise i'm gonna use it to catch up with my schoolwork! but first, it'll do a lot of good to catch up on my sleep!!!!

16 dancing bears, 12 jetplanes, 21 shiny part hats...
i'm 20% done with my shirt sewing and i'm pretty proud already. merely cos i've been playing thoughts of just bringing the shirt to the tailor and pay for the work. it feels pretty good. it always feel good when i get my work done. like what the christians always say, 'reap what you sow.' haha.

caught scoop with sarah and we were laughing so hard i just had to fart. not forgetting the fact that i kept burping and burping throughout the show. shucks. i really have very terrible digestive system.

ah, just read my sister's blog and there are a couple of sad entries and i dont even see her feeling sad at home. am i too insensitive to my own family or what? and please lah mei mei, no love love stupid relationship now please!! and there's this entry on her childhood, which pretty much sums up to mine too, that i quite like. but then in it, she mentioned:
"because i was kinda the leader wannabe
i speak alotbeing influenced by my silblings
i thot all 3 bad words
and i screamed lots."
goodness. all the bad things she learn, good things leh??!!

what else did i want to blog? shucks. i cant remember. oh ya, school's been really stressful i noticed quite a couple of us got fatter. i feel fat again too. =((( why do i gain weight so easily while other girls(LIKE GINNY and SINGUAN!) eat like nobody's business and still so skinny!!

oh and i was looking through my friendster. and after seeing that 157 people had viewed me in oct, i went to look through all the photos i have uploaded and i thought of this thing i once read in someone's profile 'photos, one in a million shots'. or smth like that. and i must say it's really true. cos no matter how 'good' i look(i'm gonna be a litte thick-skin and say the photos look good cos of all the stupid messages i get from weird strangers all over. haha!), i still flinch whenever i pass by mirrors and catch sight of myself. it's just pretty scary to look at how i really look when i've been thinking/pretending/assuming/hoping i look like so much more fabulous, for the entire day, and voila, that's the real me in the mirror. small slitty eyes, small nose, ugly lips, big face no eyebrows and floppy hair. who am i kidding, really? =((

ok i'm tired. i'm gonna get up earlier tmr morning to get a bit of hw done then head to work. i promise.

oh baby baby
presentation was nerve wrecking. always hate doing presentation. speaking in front of a crowd is totally not my forte. a way to completely blow my cover. i'm not as cool, bold and gutsy as i appear, or want to appear, or what people said of me. haha. stammer and shaking voice. argh. but laughter! why didnt burp out loud this time.
i can be real loud with my friends sometimes, ok, most times, and i can talk lots of nonsensical shit. i can do bold gutsy stuff out of silliness. just for laugh.
the serious thing is just not me.
i felt more like saying funny stuff rather than talk bout prada. like how i can really burp loudly. or talk bout the best way to make friends - burp in his/her face. or how u walk into prada and burp really loudly and go, 'OH. nice one.' and walk out with people knowing that i think my burp is hotter than the stuff in there and thus understanding why i didnt buy anything.

tonight's writing is choppy randomness. edited. =)

to the friends i've been neglecting, i'm sorry.
msn sections off into 1. the only one, 2. the lovelies, 3. family, 4. lasalle friends, 5. friends of friends, 6. chc n neighbours, 7. np friends, 8. rosyth friends, 9. xinmin friends, 10. through work friends, 11. others

2. the lovelies
eepei, eliza, sandra, joy, anqi, cassan, xinyu, clara, crystal, ginny, sarah, singuan, gwen, gwen2.

eepei, i'm sorry. i didnt mean to do the things you said in your blog, esp not prioritising new friends to old friends. i still love you.



ok i'm tired. i'll edit this post tmr.

i've also been pushing meet ups with ginny, eliza, sandra, gwen, gene, gary(pink nipples) and dennis. i'm sorry. i promise, right when school's ended, i'll make it all up. =)

prozac no more.
today's horoscope says:
If you've been going through some dark times, get ready for the sun to start peeking through and warming up your world once again.


i know i'll be fine and all will be good. =)

and i'm missing ruff. da bian gao, take so long to reply all the time. pfft.

lingling and longlong.

i came across this: 'chao ah-lians wearing platform shoes n make up like banana tree spirit.....wif 'ling-ling' long-long' hanging on the mobile phones....the coolest shit!' in yazid's friendster on who he wants to meet section. got my laughing. tell me it's funny!
also reminds me on this show i watched where this chinese mother said to her daughter, 'ling ling you forget your bling bling!' ah... what's that show? my brains sure dont feel young anymore. =(

anyway, on today's sentosa trip, it was unexpectedly fun. i really enjoyed and by the end of everything, crystal, jeline and i were totally burnt out. we fell asleep on the way home! it was really tiring, especially to have to do the painting under the bloody hot sun. but again, it's fun just playing and experimenting with uh, stuff.
and yeah, i didnt think doing painting in biks and sitting down oblivious of my sum chum ba when i get too concentrated during painting, is cool. so i didnt bring biks nor did i intend to get wet so no extra clothes. and when i was there the freaking water looks awfully inviting and it was really very very hot, so i started waddling on the shallow side. i really long for a good swim since like last friday! RUFF, make up for it ok!! =)
and that farker shariff had to start splashing water on me when i said i didnt bring extra clothes lah! i was almost all wet within seconds lah. so voila. perfect reason to jump straight in and have a good swim and drown shariff. revenge revenge, best served cold. haha! like evil huh.
oh then again, he said he was getting back at me for spitting my mouthful of water at him the other time lah. haha! ROAR!!

ok pictures time! =D









on the way to tanjong beach on beach tram. me crystal jelilne. i really love them both. they make school worth waking up for. =)



us busy doing our painting. i had to squat there to paint under the hot sun for quite awhile and when i stood up to wash the calico i saw total blackness and almost fainted.


crystal love.
and me. i really love her silliness. =)



the end product. from top left to bottom right: crystal's, me standing on our shared piece, then crystal on it, then the both of us on it, the shared piece, jeline's, my trial piece, mine, mine.
i dunno what you think, maybe someone's laughing out loud at our work or smth now, but i kinda like how mine turned out. =)



me making merry after painting. it was so damn hot i had to mutate the wearing of my shirt and do it the booby kena squashed style. haha. and those stupid guys faking all that muscled arms, who are they kidding man! they should see mine. wahaha. and eepei, i so so miss you please.


and ya, sentosa always means narcissism. haha!



and this picture, initially i didnt like it. but now i really do. i shall name it 'fat and happy' haha. thanks crystal! =)



and the trip ended off with us having late lunch at the new foodcourt at palawan and meeting this cute boy boy with his mom's sunglasses.

-the end-

massimo dutti please.
i dont understand why most of my group members said they dont like prada. i like prada, especially after going through their past years collections, i think i'd wear prada if i can afford it! we have to do a presentation on introducing prada tmr and i hafta be in shcool by seven-fucking-thiry am. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that i wont over-sleep. grr.
and i hate presentation. it totally blow my gutsy, bold cover away when i start trembling and stammer in front of the room. agh. buck up buck up those courage yiwen!

oh and to keep an update of the list of things i need to get done this week. =(((

drawing:
-puppet/popart illustration
-scrapbook backup
-take photos and do painting in sentosa
-print photos for a3 moodboard
-beachwear collection? (i need the proj brief man)
-and this chinese ink thing i missed out on when we got chased out of class
tues lecture:
-speech write up
-presentation (keeping my fingers crossed. no fingers cramps please.)
design studio:
-750words report on dressboard, silhouette, brief history, analyse and comments
-250words on individual theme
-theme design (60 drawings)
-5 technical drawings
-moodboard
pattern making:
-copy pieces from crystal on the class i missed out
sewing:
-buy teeshirt material cloth
-buy extra material for shirt
-bring shirt to tailor (help help!)
-teeshirt sewing

oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. =(

a little tribute and let's move on.
"Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or neither been
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you"

i got the above from clara's blog. most of which speaks for certain parts in me that i didnt know how to explain in words. i think sometimes words make things too simple. some thoughts and feelings can never be pieced in any words.

however for my version, i do not have difficulty finding ways to let you go, to move on - now. you might say it's cos of the happiness someone else has been providing me with, i wont deny. but there are certainly other reasons too. i know we both love each other and the years that we've spent together made it even harder to let go. but when this love always find a certain way to make us both hurt, we've to end it.

i'm sorry i didnt believe you when you said it's better we end it and move on a few months back. i'm sorry i was so stubborn and weak that i didnt allow you to go. and i'm sorry that when you decide to give us a chance again, i decide to let go.

for all the misunderstandings you might have of me, it really wasnt easy to come to this decision. i do cry for feeling the hurt i caused you and i do hate myself for doing so.

and i know, i chose to leave, all for my selfish reasons.

because of all the past experiences we share, i'm too afraid to carry on with you. each time we reach a certain happy phrase in the relationship, i start fearing when the pain is gonna drive in again. i'm scared of being at the top of the mountain and having to fall back down real hard, i'd rather not venture there again.

you might say we're both changing and accomodating to each other but how long are these changes going to last and can they last? i feel stupid cos i was the one who kept insisting that we can work on our huge differences and make us both work out when you did say it might not. and i feel even stupider now that i finally see i dont behold the strength in achieving what i believed in.

and i also dont like the feeling of not being able to be myself anymore. i've tried but it doesnt feel right not being able to do the things i'd normally do, like burping out loud in public, vending vulgarities from my mouth, clubbing as much as i want to, etc, just cos i'm in a relationship. i know they are things i should not be proud of but i dont think they're anything to be ashamed of either and i'm certainly not'shitting with my life' like you put it. it's just the way i see life and deal with it. i live it.

i want to thank you for the years we've spent together. for the changes you've tried to make for me. for the amount of effort you did put in. for the care and concern you've for me. and most importantly, for the love we both shared.

and i want you to know, it's not easy, never easy, for me to move on either. i still sit in buses, alone, listenining to my poddy and wonder if there'll ever be a day when i might break down all over again from regrets of making this decision. my heart does hurt whenever i come across the pictures of us in my lappy, my hp, my books, my whatever. and i still want to know if you're doing fine and wish that you'll do fine.

but i strongly want to believe that i will not go down the regrets lane again. i want to find happiness elsewhere. even if there's no one else to give me this happiness, i want to learn that i can give it to myself too. i want to be self-dependent on my own happiness, and i should. everyone should. and even if one day i were to feel the slightest sense of remorse, i want to be able to live with it. i want myself to learn to be strong enough to take it, be happy with the decision i've chosen for myself.

and if anything, i do sincerely hope that our promise to be friends for life even if things doesnt work out, will not be broken.



p.s. i took a long while contemplating if i should blog these out. and now that i finally decide i'm ready to make these feelings public, i've since moved on to another chapter in life.


*edit (add on)

Knowing Me Knowing You

No more carefree laughter
Silence ever after
Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(This time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Mem'ries (mem'ries), good days (good days), bad days (bad days)
They'll be (they'll be), with me (with me) always (always)
In these old familiar rooms children would play
Now there's only emptiness, nothing to say

quit paranoia.

movie 'stay alive' with sarah at vivo city. almost had me killed in the theatre and i almost killed sarah, i think? ha. i was just begging inside for the show to end. next time if i decide to watch a horror movie again, you're entitled to slap me.

vivo vivo what's the craze all about.

the amount of people swarming the whole place just about get to my nerves. i hate crowd. ok, on certain days and today is one of those days. but i think sarah's idea of the place giving a out of space feeling is cool. i'd like it that way. i think they need to hire more of the weird people in weird costumes driving around on weird 'scooters' shouting weird stuff. in that way the purpose is more well served. only one of the guy makes it like neither here nor there. ok great, i see your puzzled look. vera's talking weird.

anyway the 'balcony' side of the building has got a really nice view. i think i'm gonna picnic there one day. =) for now, pictures of the nice view i'm talking about.



















you can see why i started having a cranky evening after sarah and i left. i have put back on the weight i lost and my hair screams bad hair day. flop flop. =(

and it doesnt help that i had to have this charity dinner thing at this temple with my ah gong. i dont hate temple and the religious stuff my ah gong always go on about. but too much of it is just uh, pretty irritating. and i really dont like to pretend to be interested whenand put up with how my ah gong always talk bout all the different elements of buddhism and what have you and telling me that i have to believe in it it's for my good and yadada yadada. it's not that i dont believe but i just dont think i want to bother about those things, at least - yet. and during the dinner at the temple i was just playing with sick ironic thoughts of how my ah gong will freak out if he knows his supposedly 'innocent' granddaughter isnt even a virgin anymore. heh. i even started picture myself on the stage doing dirty strip dancing. i think the elderly from the home might enjoy better, dont u think? =p

anyway more pictures will be up soon, when uh, i'm ready. =)

vinvyl records and chipped tooth laughter.
no money can buy the magic we had this week.


let there be more.

mahjong and role-playing. =)
this was for singuan's assignment. i only managed to win 90cents actually but it felt good holding that stack of cash. maybe that's what gave me luck the next time i play mahjong. *tsk tsk*



































and it was really really fun.

this feeling.

–noun Psychology
a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania

yes, Euphoria.


as i was sitting in the bus on the way home, i could only smile. and not just any kind of smile. it's the smile that says i'm really happy from right inside. but this happiness, it's undescribable. there's no way to pinpoint the exact source of it. and there may be no exact source either. it leaves you with this queer fuzzy feeling inside, wondering what the hell is wrong. no, right. too right, i'd say. and you just wana sit there and burst out laughing. not at anything funny but just laughing cos you're happy.

euphoria - state of achieving the highest level of idiocity. if there's even such a word.



and on my t0day(07/10/06)'s horoscope reading:

The Bottom Line
Today, nothing is more important to you than your ideas and feelings. Focus on you.
In Detail
You're entering a time when nothing is more important to you than your ideas and feelings. This could be called a self-centered phase, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! This is also a great time to hang out with the people you love the most and do some serious talking about what you all think about life -- and where you all want to go. Collaborations are in the cards, but you might have to be the one to get the ball rolling. Being productive will be easy.


i really need to hear that. thanks. =)

i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. then run till there's no breath in me, drop down lying on the ground and take heavy deep breathes. in out in out in out. raspy and quick. then burst out crying and just crying. and then laugh, laugh like there's no tomorrow.


and then, life is on a restart mode.

ah.

i should be gagged. sometimes. =X

got this from friendster:
so wats ur songs?

1) Put your music player on shuffle
2) Press forward for each question.
3) Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4) NO CHEATING!!!

The questions and my answers:

1) How am I feeling today?
ten things i hate about you

2) Where will I get married?
bang - yeahyeahyeahs

3) What is my best friend's theme song?
your ex-lover is dead - the stars

doesnt sound too optimistic here. whoever my best
friend is.

4) What is/was high school like?
i've got a crush on you - the jets

yeh.

5) What is the best thing about me?
slide - goo goo dolls

what?

6) How is today going to be?
beyong the sea - robbie williams

=)

7) What is in store for this weekend?
down again - superjesus

oh i sure hope not.

8) What song describes my parents?
paranoid android - radiohead

hell yes.

9) How is my life going?
voxifera - era

what's voxifera??

10) What song will they play at my funeral?
all through the night - cyndi lauper

yes that'll be oh so gorgeous.

11) How does the world see me?
eyes on me - faye wong

wheet. =P

12) What do my friends really think of me?
pretty world - lisa ono

really!

13) Do people secretly lust after me?
express yourself - charles wright

hahahahahahahaha.

14) How can I make myself happy?
forever young - alphaville

freaking true lah.

15) What should I do with my life?
yellow - coldplay

ok leme go check on the lyrics again.

16) Will I ever have children?
sugar blue - jeff finlin

yes please.

17) What is some good advice?
but it's alright - huey lewis

ha like i always secretly think but never say.

18) What do I think my current theme song is:
within temptation - memories

hmm?

19) What does everyone else think my current
theme song is?
baby, baby - alana d

this is starting to not make sense.

20) What type of men/women do you like?
homewrecker - hellogoodbye

no way!!

21) Will you get married?
the end is the beginning is the end - smashin pumpkins

yeap, marriage is never the end nor really a beginning either.

22) What should I do with my love life?
walkin out of stride - badly drawn boy

mm.
*u guys missed out 23 by the way...

24) Where will you live?
stay together for the kids - blink 182

25) What will your dying words be?
other side of the world - kr tunstall

hahaha. irony.



batam cable skiing on sat was fab. a pity crystal and clara didnt join us after all! bah. but alright, there'll definitely be a next time i'm sure. muscles aching like fuck now, couldnt even hook my bra together this morning lah! but i feels damn good. =) will upload the pics tmr!