Purely Your Imagination

vera in context.

vera's johari

(ripped this somewhere which i think is really true!) ARIES WOMAN >> >>She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal >>frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things >>and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even >>real, so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. >>She >>think only good things so she prepares and always make arrangement for >>herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed. >> >>If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This >>seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face >>mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, >>slight tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing >>or mixture of character. >> >>Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She >>thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize >>everything from her childhood. When she faces with problems, she will >>handle them and solving them very well, and at the same time showing other >>people >>that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems in >>crisis better than many other Zodiac. Once she determine to do thing, >>nothing will stop her. >> >>Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another >>woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirty >>dancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek. >>She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold >>and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she >>choose you, she will need to be proud of you. >> >>"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is >>"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She >>plans her life, and socially life easily and very carefully. She is also >>very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance >>because she loves ambition and a good life. She need lots of love, but do >>not >>want and do not belief in an occasional or unconventional love. >> >>She is a proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come >>from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth >>anyway (certainly there are always exception). She always look cool even >>when she is not. She like to make people see her as "secure and confident" >>even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you >>can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time. >> >>You never have all her times, for she likes to work hard and also spent >>some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a >>"Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most >>likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is a romantic and >>artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her >>beautiful >>imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan. >> >>A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a high >>point, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will >>not show her ambition, but she will show that she satisfy with herself >>now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but sure. >> >>If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is >>stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person, >>but in fact she can stick you down like a super glue without you knowing >>it.

i want/i need.

air. love. food. air. air. air.

if only mahjong luck is applicable in love life.
i passed by a 'lao di fang' (old venue) just now with neyton. and he was telling me he used to stay there and i said so does tk. and he said he knows cos they were from the same primary school. and we passed by the old bus stop, that doesnt exactly look old but sure feels old in my heart.

5 years ago, i'd hang around at the bus stop after school starring into nothingness for hours on end, just to catch a glimpse of tk, say hi and bye and then head home, happy. but sometimes i dont see him at all cos i dont even know if he's home already or still out cos i've got a curfew to follow.

classmate was having a drink with me during break today and he said, 'my, you seem to mix well with a lot in school but can look really lonely sometimes.' i almost cried there and then.

every night when i try to go to sleep, no matter how i tell other stories in my mind to get it pre-occupied so i can fall asleep eventually, my mind will wander to areas i've long want to stop thinking of. and then i feel this aching tightening in my heart and the tears will come and i will end up crying so hard my head feels like bursting and i can hardly breathe.

of all the painful memories and hurtful words and things we throw at each other, the one that i cant ever forget is that you said that had i not left you last year, you would have relented and give us both a chance. this despairing pain is so cruel that even drilling penknives into my arm, sticking lighted cigarette butts onto my thigh or banging my head against the wall, would not have hurt as much. (not that i do them. self-loving aside, self-destruction isn't in any way constructive to the situation.)

no pain i can ever inflict on myself can ever turn time back. even killing myself will merely throw myself further away from you into another world where you dont even exist. if anything, it's your existence that makes it all worth living for. there is nothing i can do but to tell myself i have to move on and get on with life. but there is no way i can pass a single day without thinking of you, of us, of hoping so much i can turn back time.

you said you would like to research and invent time machine. i said before i would like to be the first to use it. but unlike the reason i had the last time, which was to go back to last year when i first left you, this time i'd like to turn to the time when i've never liked you at all.

after lots and lots of thinking, i dont think i was ever really wrong to leave you then. your one love is your dreams in your career. the only time when i felt really loved whole-heartedly by you was when you said you'd like to take care of me for life, and that didnt lasted long. cos i placed so much hope and trust in the relationship, i brought you to my family and you start judging me and since, been seeing only the bad sides of me. but you never stop for once and think how it feels like to live in my house, with my temperamental family. you stopped seeing me as the one long ago and i never feel satisfied with anything anymore cos your love became more guarded and measured. you placed priorites in other areas and so, we hardly spend time together. of cos there were exceptions where you do try your best to spend a good time with me. but the worst times to pass were my birthdays where i've always hoped and longed for a self-baked cake like the one you made for sioklan, which never came. by and by, things got harder for me to cope. i waited 3years for you, but this 3years wait was never balanced off in any way. and came arguments and the start of a new school, new friends where i meet new people and decided it's probably time i give myself a chance to happiness, rather than getting upset all the time, being with you.

and months after months passed, i wont deny i couldn't get over you like you didnt either, and i'm sure you are not blind to the msges i still send you during that period when i was trying to get over you. one after another relationship, it all didnt work out, not cos the guys werent any nice to me nor that i wasnt happy with any of them. it's because i dont see any of you in them. the situation became so desperate to me, to prove to myself that 'surely, i can find happiness elsewhere! why should i have to rely that on you?', that i jumped from on relationship to another like a bitch would too.

you said i would never have returned to you if shawn didnt reject me. you might be factually right, that's why i never find a good comeback when you mentioned this. but you may want to ask shawn how much i never stop talking about you when i went out with him and the number of times when he asked if i'm actually still missing you cos i mention you so much. the need to let things between shawn and i work out was actually the need to get over you and move on. i thought if i went through that phrase of chasing after a half-disinterested guy again, and then gettin into a proper relationship with him(just like i did in our case), i might finally get over you and have life on a 'restart' mode. you know the "get into the same situation and making it work well this time" thing? it's what i wanted to do. on times when i cried over shawn, i didnt even know what i was really crying for. and i even remember telling people like sandra and eliza how i dont think i really love shawn anyway cos we dont have much chemistry nor did we have real fun when we hang out.

you said you got very hurt when i showed you the pictures i took with wan where he proclaimed in words that he loved me and such. i admit it was really insensitive to your feelings when i did that but i wanted so badly to prove to myself, just by showing you, that i can move on, get over you, and that i can be happy. even though mentally, i was still struggling to convince myself that.

finally, you said you want me back so badly you dont mind the person i have become, dont mind me smoking, dont mind the fact that i left you and such. and there's only hope on my side that all will work out this time round. but your impatience with me only became worse. i admit there were areas where i was really wrong like i promised to quit smoking and never really got around doing so until things blew up. but then on areas where i've changed, like how i used to argue and get upset over small things between us, which i hardly do now, and how i've stopped minding my parents' temperamental doings so much to want to quarrel with them. but you said all these changes are too late. and why?

so i find myself pondering on these: is it just a coincidence that you found it all too late now that you've got a second chance in the relationship, a better control and a well prepared mindset that one day things between us will all end? is it a coincidence that i grant us both a second chance and you became more impatient with me and me more patient to you, so eventually it all didnt work out either? is it a coincidence that all of a sudden you have decided to work overseas that we can no longer have any chances anymore? is it a coincidence that somehow, this time round, you're so steady in moving on that you no longer think about the thing you've said to me anymore?

that's why, if i can ever choose, i'd like not to have like you at all. cos it's like princles, once i pop i cant stop and at the blink of an eye, it's been 6 years. and here i am, alone again, still loving you.

and it scares me horribly to think of how i wont ever be able to love anyone else anymore, merely because i've been down that lane, hoped on several buses and came back defeated.

Saturday, August 26, 2006 at 12:26 AM

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