horror horror

it's a little scary, i was viewing my blog to reply tags when i saw this entry:

dated 29/08/06 9.15am:
Ok, I tried a different blog and didn't care for it. I liked the site, it just wasn't me. I am a blogger! lol So, I will never leave you again, even when I am ready to pull my hair out because of the problems you have. Maybe that is why I like blogger so much, we both have our problems but in the end, we are ok.nd, we are ok.


i swear i didnt write this entry. ok i dont even have to swear but it's true! how did it end up here?? did someone hacked into my account or crossed connection? argh.



anyw, gold90.5fm sure has a way to get me all emo again. it's playing tk n my song: dreaming of you. and i got reminded of that once when i msged him late in the middle of the night:

"Late at night when all the world is sleepingI stay up and think of youAnd I wish on a star that somewhere you areThinking of me too"

and he surprised me by replying:

"Cause I'm dreaming of you tonightTill tomorrow I'll be holding you tightAnd there's nowhere in the world I'd rather beThan here in my room dreaming"



sigh. i think i'm gonna cry again.

what will be will be?

skipped sewing class today with clara and crystal, for pepperlunch and movie session! =) needed a break from the stressful sewing class, other than the fact that we're all lum nuas.

pepperlunch was good, at least i'm gettin my huge appetite back! shopped about after lunch and all three of us has got something to chink chink on. the big hole in my bag is the perfect reason for a replacement cos things are falling out. and material happiness is always easy to satisfy. then is was starbucks for coffee and bumming and crystal was so freaking high, so unlike her usual 'gu niang' style lah! caught Click at 5.10pm, i was so looking forward to catching it cos i really love adam sandler's show.

and photo splash!
























such a happy happy day right?


but there isn't any day with no tears.
Click is so 'emotionally charged' as ginny puts it, i cried and cried at the ending part of the show. and i even had to run to the toilet to cry by myself when the show ends. why?

adam sandler plays a family man who has too much things to handle in life, his wish for a universal remote control came true, which he can fast forwards moments in life where he does not like to go through the hassle with. but like all good things have a bad side to it, the remote control will get used to the phrases in life which he fast forwards, and will adapt to it so even when he doesnt click to fast forward mode, it would auto fast forward itself. and there's no rewinding of his life, only playback, where he can enter the scene as a 2nd adam sandler looking at his life pass by. so things got out of hand, he cant control on moments where he wants to and ends up missing out on the many things in life and losing the things he loves. and all of a sudden he's all old and dying and he cant do anything to stop it but to live to regret it.

the parts which really had me gripped: the scene where he playback to the last time he saw his dad alive, how he could only stand by one side and tell his dad he really loves him. and the scene in the rain where he was dying, but he just wants to catch up with his son so badly to tell him how family comes first, that it doesn't bother him that he'll just die there and then. and how he took out the note in his pocket to ask his wife if she'll still love him the next morning.

i was crying and crying so hard in the cinema that i feel like such an idiot. and it doesnt help that i started thinking how much i could really feel his character. to wish that there's just some way to turn back time, yet there's nothing to do but despair and anguish to live with. and as much as i'm happy he ends up with a second chance in life, it made me cry my heart out just knowing there's no way for mine.

and i was thinking,what if one day i've really moved on and tk wishes to turn time back to get back with me but i just cant do it anymore? as stupid as this sounds, i really dont wish that one day he might have to hurt like i do now. i wouldnt want him to have to run to the toilet crying his heart out. i wouldnt want him to go through that same pain.



whether it is wishful thinking on my part or not.

i will never be happy again.
sentosa with sarah, singuan, singuan's sister and her husband was pretty good though there isnt one spot i pass by that doesnt remind me of tk. it's been some time, and the reason i kept procrastinating to go that place is cos the last few times i went there, were with tk. so as expected, inside a smiling face and many hearty laughters, was sadness and loneliness.

by pass the waters where i only dare to swim in when tk's around, the luge rides where we had free rides, the toilet that we sneaked into to make out, the beach beds where we tanned and smoked, the bridge where i jumped about as he walks on, the carlsberg tower thing that we promised we'll ride on one day, the cable cars where we rode on when he still had his fuzzy hairdo, the sakae sushi where we had nice filling meals there twice, the place where we first pitched a tent to stay over, the bridge from sentosa to harbourfront where we walked on and really talked and where i got piggy-backed.

sentosa is definitely one place we always, always enjoy ourselves.

sarah and i decided to stay on for a little longer after the rest left at bout 2plus and i do really enjoy her company. somehow we always have got something to talk and ponder and laugh and sigh about, it feels so easy with her as though we've known each other for sometime?

>you know singuan told me something...
>>uh, what?
>no lah just something bout tk. i dunno whether to say.
>>it's alright lah. just say lor...
>she said tk's easily attracted to a lot of girls?
>>orh.. i know lah.


went off to meet joy and all for steamboat cum bbq dinner at marina bay. sigh. the day just wouldnt get any better. i didnt think that seeing couple friends would bother me so much till today. i kept thinking, if only tk were there too...

sheesh. fuck it. i had a great day, it was fun, i cant be any happier! wee!


something i had always not want to say out but been hoping you'll see it soon.
seems very unlikely you ever will so here. if i could forgive and forget you then for having led me on and off for 3years, while you fall in and out of love with some other girls. and when we finally got together you said part of the reason you couldnt decide to step into a relationship with me, is cos your friends didnt like me. if i could forgive and forget all those hurt you made me go through for 3years of my life, why cant you?

why cant you!
WHY CANT YOU??

goodbye to the 6 years i've wasted. there'll be no more counting down.

if only mahjong luck is applicable in love life.
i passed by a 'lao di fang' (old venue) just now with neyton. and he was telling me he used to stay there and i said so does tk. and he said he knows cos they were from the same primary school. and we passed by the old bus stop, that doesnt exactly look old but sure feels old in my heart.

5 years ago, i'd hang around at the bus stop after school starring into nothingness for hours on end, just to catch a glimpse of tk, say hi and bye and then head home, happy. but sometimes i dont see him at all cos i dont even know if he's home already or still out cos i've got a curfew to follow.

classmate was having a drink with me during break today and he said, 'my, you seem to mix well with a lot in school but can look really lonely sometimes.' i almost cried there and then.

every night when i try to go to sleep, no matter how i tell other stories in my mind to get it pre-occupied so i can fall asleep eventually, my mind will wander to areas i've long want to stop thinking of. and then i feel this aching tightening in my heart and the tears will come and i will end up crying so hard my head feels like bursting and i can hardly breathe.

of all the painful memories and hurtful words and things we throw at each other, the one that i cant ever forget is that you said that had i not left you last year, you would have relented and give us both a chance. this despairing pain is so cruel that even drilling penknives into my arm, sticking lighted cigarette butts onto my thigh or banging my head against the wall, would not have hurt as much. (not that i do them. self-loving aside, self-destruction isn't in any way constructive to the situation.)

no pain i can ever inflict on myself can ever turn time back. even killing myself will merely throw myself further away from you into another world where you dont even exist. if anything, it's your existence that makes it all worth living for. there is nothing i can do but to tell myself i have to move on and get on with life. but there is no way i can pass a single day without thinking of you, of us, of hoping so much i can turn back time.

you said you would like to research and invent time machine. i said before i would like to be the first to use it. but unlike the reason i had the last time, which was to go back to last year when i first left you, this time i'd like to turn to the time when i've never liked you at all.

after lots and lots of thinking, i dont think i was ever really wrong to leave you then. your one love is your dreams in your career. the only time when i felt really loved whole-heartedly by you was when you said you'd like to take care of me for life, and that didnt lasted long. cos i placed so much hope and trust in the relationship, i brought you to my family and you start judging me and since, been seeing only the bad sides of me. but you never stop for once and think how it feels like to live in my house, with my temperamental family. you stopped seeing me as the one long ago and i never feel satisfied with anything anymore cos your love became more guarded and measured. you placed priorites in other areas and so, we hardly spend time together. of cos there were exceptions where you do try your best to spend a good time with me. but the worst times to pass were my birthdays where i've always hoped and longed for a self-baked cake like the one you made for sioklan, which never came. by and by, things got harder for me to cope. i waited 3years for you, but this 3years wait was never balanced off in any way. and came arguments and the start of a new school, new friends where i meet new people and decided it's probably time i give myself a chance to happiness, rather than getting upset all the time, being with you.

and months after months passed, i wont deny i couldn't get over you like you didnt either, and i'm sure you are not blind to the msges i still send you during that period when i was trying to get over you. one after another relationship, it all didnt work out, not cos the guys werent any nice to me nor that i wasnt happy with any of them. it's because i dont see any of you in them. the situation became so desperate to me, to prove to myself that 'surely, i can find happiness elsewhere! why should i have to rely that on you?', that i jumped from on relationship to another like a bitch would too.

you said i would never have returned to you if shawn didnt reject me. you might be factually right, that's why i never find a good comeback when you mentioned this. but you may want to ask shawn how much i never stop talking about you when i went out with him and the number of times when he asked if i'm actually still missing you cos i mention you so much. the need to let things between shawn and i work out was actually the need to get over you and move on. i thought if i went through that phrase of chasing after a half-disinterested guy again, and then gettin into a proper relationship with him(just like i did in our case), i might finally get over you and have life on a 'restart' mode. you know the "get into the same situation and making it work well this time" thing? it's what i wanted to do. on times when i cried over shawn, i didnt even know what i was really crying for. and i even remember telling people like sandra and eliza how i dont think i really love shawn anyway cos we dont have much chemistry nor did we have real fun when we hang out.

you said you got very hurt when i showed you the pictures i took with wan where he proclaimed in words that he loved me and such. i admit it was really insensitive to your feelings when i did that but i wanted so badly to prove to myself, just by showing you, that i can move on, get over you, and that i can be happy. even though mentally, i was still struggling to convince myself that.

finally, you said you want me back so badly you dont mind the person i have become, dont mind me smoking, dont mind the fact that i left you and such. and there's only hope on my side that all will work out this time round. but your impatience with me only became worse. i admit there were areas where i was really wrong like i promised to quit smoking and never really got around doing so until things blew up. but then on areas where i've changed, like how i used to argue and get upset over small things between us, which i hardly do now, and how i've stopped minding my parents' temperamental doings so much to want to quarrel with them. but you said all these changes are too late. and why?

so i find myself pondering on these: is it just a coincidence that you found it all too late now that you've got a second chance in the relationship, a better control and a well prepared mindset that one day things between us will all end? is it a coincidence that i grant us both a second chance and you became more impatient with me and me more patient to you, so eventually it all didnt work out either? is it a coincidence that all of a sudden you have decided to work overseas that we can no longer have any chances anymore? is it a coincidence that somehow, this time round, you're so steady in moving on that you no longer think about the thing you've said to me anymore?

that's why, if i can ever choose, i'd like not to have like you at all. cos it's like princles, once i pop i cant stop and at the blink of an eye, it's been 6 years. and here i am, alone again, still loving you.




and it scares me horribly to think of how i wont ever be able to love anyone else anymore, merely because i've been down that lane, hoped on several buses and came back defeated.

one day.

the body asks the heart, "when i fall sick, i'll bring myself to the doctor. and the doctor will do everything he can to heal me. what about you, what do you do when you fall sick?"




one day, the heart will wrap itself in bandages and pile itself with antibiotics so it will never ever have the slightest chance of ever falling sick again.

the end.

crestfallen: my mood shall no longer depend on the way you treat me.

PUI. i'm laughing so hard at this picture until my stomach aches and my eyes tear.

i've used the word 'cheng sim' -crestfallen like a dozen times on others yesterday. time for my own usage.

the past few nights had me missing him so much i had problems falling asleep. so many times i felt like doing the childhood thing - running to my mom's room crying that i cant fall sleep. only this time no shadows on the wall is disturbing me, no creaking noises scaring me, no lights mysteriously running across the room looking for me. only memories that keep haunting, serving as a painful unachievable dream of going back to what it was like before. and dreams i cant control that makes me jerk awake in the middle of the night and fall prey to my tears again.

i really wish i could totally forget that you ever exist. that we were ever friends. that you ever fell for me and me for you. that we ever were together. that we ever kissed, hugged, romanced, loved, laughed and cried. i really wish these 6 years did not happen at all.

-production class: 5 pieces of sewing to do (doing them tmr)
-design studio: 50 sketches of designing, moodboard, 10 fabric manipulation, technical drawings (doing them on wed and thurs)
-professional practice: complete write up and research on magazine ID. (tonight and tomorrow night)
-drawing: A1 painting on textures and finalise botanic drawings. (tues and wed)

i just love the tight schedule gan-cheongness cos after managing the work and all, i feel super satisfied and happy like 'yay, i got over that!' dont you?? so maybe it's good sometimes i procrastinate my work and rush them on crucial times, no? haha. excuses lah, i know. but then, i'm known to produce good last minute work. =)

like for professional practice, i didnt even know what exactly we hafta do for the presenation today cos i was absent last week. but i manage to meet up my group on sun night, which was a pathetic half of the group it is suppose to be, and discuss what to present and stuff. and then last night i managed to get the group organised, give out jobs to everyone and take care of everything so the whole group dont screw up during presentation today. and it all worked out! =) i'm pretty proud to say that had i not have taken things inmy hands, half the group wouldnt know what to say or what to do or even, what's going on during presentation lah.

but i kinda screwed up on my part during presentation the typical funny yiwen way! we were suppose to talk about this fashion mag: i-D, and my part is to talk about why people like it and why it attracted me to buy it(though i wasnt the one who chose the mag). but i coughed up some crap lah.

so i was saying, "i like the informal style of the mag. like how they use edgy and arrogant language like - 'if you have to ask the price... you cant afford it.' then the very next page from this big wording is just a silly nonsense picture like this." *flip text and picture, of a man n woman with really loud and stupid dressing and ugly funky accessories in awkward crazy positions, for everyone to see. "and you see, there's no purpose of this huge text and this picture cos there's no article on it or whatsoever."

lecturer, "you sure there's no article in the next page?"

so i wanted to flip to the next to show him it's on another article already then suddenly *zheack* and everyone went, "oooh!"

i had to rip the magazine just to flip a page lah!!!! and everyone started laughing, even my lecturer went, "ok, point taken."

so there. as my friend put it, "that is so vera." (the klutz)


and anyway, i've been pretty enjoying these 2 days amid the heavy workload. moomoo craving with ginny then sing sing sing with joy yesterday and movie and prata with sarah today! (and sarah is just so loveable really!!)




my life revolves around love, and simply that

tk finally msged me! =) i was silly smiling to myself in the train home just now!! he said he left his phone at his dad's place and he's been staying over at his cousin's so he couldnt see my msges nor reply them and he promises to text me with his china no.!! =D

to think that at one point, i was wonderin if he's not thinking me at all, that he's completely moved on and all that, so he doesnt reply me. till on sunday night, i had a strange dream of him suddenly flying back to sg to see me. and i started worrying shit, cos i felt this weird feeling maybe something bad happened to him or something lah!! silly silly me.

and gwen was asking, 'wouldnt you be happy that you dreamt that he flew back just for you? why you can have strange feeling about this one?' well, simply cos i know tk too well. he wouldnt fly back after a week unless it's really serious emergency so there's nothing to fantasize bout this dream but only to worry that that might mean that something bad has happened and he's spiritually came back to see me for the last time...

I KNOW! i really do think too much. but i cant help going on to worry that, you know, if one day some accident or something really did happen to him while he's in china, i wont even have the chance to know what really happened. he'll just completely disappear from this world, my world, and i'll still be sad over him not reuniting with me at all, thinking that he's just gotten over me and decide not to come back. and i wont know the truth and have no way to find out the truth cos i dont know any of his family or friends in china and thus have absolutely no way of finding out what's happened to him. (CHOY CHOY CHOY, touch wood lah.)

and that makes me feel awfully sad inside, somehow. that's why when sarah told me about her aunt who had depression and commited suicide, though her husband and her were very loving, i almost cried. i can almost feel how despair the husband must have felt, wondering what was it that made his wife have the courage to jump off a building and end her life without thinking that her husband can help her or be there for her, or, for living on for his sake. you get what i mean?


alright alright. i'd better stop thinking so much. gonna sleep. night!

please stop acting out all my ever doubts at night

on the bus home just now i was listening to my poddybuddy and again, missing tk terribly when i suddenly realise the irony of the things i do. just one fucken week ago, i actually prepared myself to let him go and pursue his dreams and told myself not to get in his way anymore. and now, i'm missing him so much, not a day pass by without me msging him.

what the heck are you doing yiwen.

on yesterday's conversation with marcus, he asked about how i feel about tk right now and i insisted that i'm still waiting for him. and he said i should move on and so on cos i'm single now. and so i reminded him that i've told him my status is currently single but unavailable and will continue to be so long as this heart of mine still holds on to tk so much, i just cant possible move on. then he went on saying that he wanna introduce me guy friends and stuff cos i'm quite a good catch etc. i had the feeling of just asking him to shut up though i know he probably meant well for me. anyway, i'm not a fish lah! i hear good catch in longjohnsilver's advertisement.

i think i've more or less come to a firm stand on what i want for myself. it's tk and no one else. i cant imagine myself to possibly work out in any other relationships when i've failed so miserably with this someone i love so much. which sums up to that i cant cant cant let him go in peace to pursue his dreams lah! sigh. what a dilemma. i really wish to be unselfish and all but it's just too hard to be in my capability to do so! =(

hm. i guess if tk really doesnt want me anymore, i can just grow old to be those ah lian aunties who go ktv-ing and pubbing and all that nonsense.

hahaha.



actually i do feel like crying but i'm just not allowing the tears anymore.

i'm as human as the next
(just twice as lazy and thrice as greedy.)

my mom cant understand how i can sleep at 1am last night and wake up only at 1pm today, have my lunch and head back to bed to sleep till like 5pm. and for dinner, i've 2 huge bowls of porridge instead of the usual half. urgh.

and even after having slept so much, i'm already yawning now! goodness.

i've got so much schoolwork i need to catch up on! let's see...
-production class: 5 pieces of sewing to do (doing them tmr)
-design studio: 50 sketches of designing, moodboard, 10 fabric manipulation, technical drawings (doing them on wed and thurs)
-professional practice: complete write up and research on magazine ID. (tonight and tomorrow night)
-drawing: A1 painting on textures and finalise botanic drawings. (tues and wed)

which still leaves tmr afternoon free for meeting up with ginny! haha.




dearest tk. you seem to be enjoying in china so much you've forgotten you need to get a sim card and start sms-ing me! please miss me. cos u know i do an awful lot. =(

the wants i want too.

i was reading jenn's blog update on her wants and i decide i can do one like it too.
i want my line unbarred now.
i want to eat and not gain anything.
i want to vomit cos my stomach dont feel well.
i want... gosh i'm trying to think of something material but i cant.

erm yes.
i want hugs.
i want kisses.
too.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

everything is fucked.
friendster is fucked cos i cant log in from yesterday meaning i was not able to check tk n my daily horoscope for 2 days.
period is fucked cos i just stained my G star skirt which i only wore to the airport just now and am planning to wear to work tmr.
the pool behind is fucked cos the children are making too much noise. neyton where's the electric shock button you wanted to install for me!!
starhub is fucked cos my out-going calls and sms got barred even after making payment.


argh. ginny, joy and vanessa i wanna see u guys can u make yourselves free and not broke to meet me?? and tk get your ass back to singapore larh! =(

ever-so-regrettable food-indulging-session.

new classmate clara gave me a small shock yesterday, having mentioned that she read my blog. i shouldnt think it's anything surprising since i stupidly put my bllog add everywhere but i wouldnt think people care about reading it anyway.

even i, myself, am bored and embarrassed at the amount of entries pathetically dedicated to my love affair. and even more pathetic is that i cant exactly call it a love affair either since tk is like... sigh.

but i just cant help it. no matter how interesting my day was or how many good things happened in a day, i sum the whole day with missing him, like what's new right.

like today, i'm so so grateful for anqi and gene for accommodating to my sudden craving for pizzas. anqi left her lecture early to join us at 2 at clementi and gene came all the way from...a couple of places, but wells, let's put it as seng kang. (gene will know what i'm talkin bout. ha.) but on the initial part of the day i was feeling pretty shitty cos tk didnt leme know if he's reached china or not. and being the worrisome-aunty me, keep having stupid thoughts of terrorists bombing his flight la. (choy choy choy!) so yes, i was pretty down till he finally messaged me at 12plus and tata! i was on high all the way till the pizza-affair is over and done with. =)

and then, to get to my point, i'm missing him again. *roll eyes. i mean, in the first place when i even had a craving for pizzas, it's because i was thinking of tk lor. i thuoght of the last time we feasted on pizzas and was thinking that i cant wait for the next one when he comes back. so there.

anyway, he promised zoo when he's back. i cant wait. =)

day 1 down. 21 more days to go. pfft.

12:59pm =) finally a message of safety.

chasingcars.

imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou
imissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyouimissyou

already.

where is the love.
cheryl was telling me the other day that she was round her neighbourhood when someone gave her a pamphlet on the disadvantages of religions: buddism, hinduism, taoism and muslim. and it reminds me of nessa saying her friend's(who is a christian) church gives out that kind of pamphlet.

i really dislike it when christians discriminates other religions. where is the respect?

and i believe religions, no matter which one, is meant to teach people the good and offer a place for solace. most importantly, religions shouldnt separate people. dont preach about love and peace when there's no harmony with various religious groups.

having said these, i'm not saying christianity is the least bit bad. a lot of ignorant doings are the misinterpretation of lots of issues by silly people. look at how terrorists claim they are sacrificing for the love of God or country or whatever by killing more? it's examples of religions gone wrong.

maybe we should have religions harmony day too.

another silly notion.

The Bottom Line
A romantic sacrifice may be called for -- give something up for the relationship.
In Detail
Making a sacrifice is never very much fun, but today it will be easy: You will see a clear benefit to making a tiny, painless alteration to your plans. A slight change will also be called for in your romantic life when someone asks you to sacrifice something you want for the sake of your relationship. Only you will know if this is asking too much; but before you decide if this is a deal-breaker, ask yourself if they would do the same for you.



(not mine.)




anyways, i wana thank a couple of people who's been there. ginny, for listening to whatever i've gotta say about this thing i'm going through, even on the wee hours of the morning. gary who's the first guy friend besides tk who really cares. xinyu who is caring enough to keep asking bout the med results. joy whose harsh words are what i need to balance things out.

lastly, my mom who teared for me.

when loneliness is your only motivation. and leaving is the only choice. think like you never felt before.

the past few weeks had me so so down, i didnt feel like putting any effort into anything. i didnt even feel like talking, replying msges, eating, going out or even explaining to close friends the whole story, etc... i could spend hours after hours playing games on eddiezone.com at home and ending the night with crying myself to sleep. and i've a feeling this might still go on for some time. but at least, i'm thinking straighter and less emotionally-affected thoughts.

although i still cant say i'm giving you up for good, i've more or less come to term with the fact that tk n i are really no longer together, and any hope for a patch up is just too insignificant to be constantly thinking and lamenting bout it.

i was walking to meet friends just now when i heard this very cliche and common advice from a total stranger who said this to his son in a nonchalant manner:

die dao le jiu pa qi lai lor. (pick yourself up after you fall)

and i felt something in me that has been dying off these few weeks, suddenly light up.

i needed you, and i still do, very much. but you need to fulfil your dream, career wise, more than anything. at least you know for sure that it's something which will have a much smaller chance of disappointing you emotionally with the amount of effort you drive in it.

it's hard, very hard, i must say. but i'm letting go(at least, i'll be trying my very best to) of you to fulfil what you've always want to do.



:")

when your friends need to see you more than your cravings for xiao long bao.



tonight's fireworks was fantastic. probably cos it's the first time the sua ku me sees fireworks coming out from the water. but the effect was really good. and we made it even more trilling cos we climbed over the railing at marina sq foodcourt and sat on the ledge(which is pretty big also la-like you can stretch your legs out and there's still space). still, fancy this very clumsy me doing something like that!

and while i was at it, i thought of the fireworks i went to with tk last year. i had a great time and we were our old self, playfully beating each other up and hurling funny insults at each other and then holding each other in our arms as we sat on the green green grass and watch fireworks which is not as fantastic as how happy i was feeling. i really miss times like that. so so romantic when i think bout it now, dont you think? sigh.




and i just hafta upload these pics. my cousin's soOOoo CUTE! yes? and my god. she can touch her nose with her tongue!

'wah. how do you do that?!'
'huh do what?'
'how you lick your nose???'
'you cannot meh?'
'no!'
'mummy, why yiwen jie jie cannot do? so lousy one.'

pfft. a 4 year old insulting my capability already!

painted faces and a chipped smile.

i hate it when i have to force a bright outlook with smiles and laughter.

it's not really a total must. but as much as i'm always saying i dont give a heck what people think bout me, i'm still very concern of what people might feel about me or when being with me.

like, i have to be friendly and cheerful when i go for classes so that my classmates dont alienate me and not help me when i need it. i have to force smiles and work out a nice conversation when i see people i havent seen for some time, like david, in school. i have to urge myself to talk and laugh more to eepei when i last saw her last friday so she doesnt think i'm still angry with her. i have to try very hard to make small talks with friends like gary, anqi, neyton, so they dont feel weird or bored or left out when out together.

now you know what i'm talking about?



why cant everyone just have a pop-up sign like the people in sims or something that says stuff like: 'single' 'happily attached' 'going through family probs' or in my case, 'still cant get over it' ?? i mean, it makes life so much easier doesnt it? the whole world can understand why you're so and so now and ya, not be so critical or over-sensitive on the smaller issues?

a glimmer of illusional hope.
after hours of cycling at east coast in the afternoon, i was resting my FAT aching legs and bum and reading horoscope and...

mine:
The Bottom Line
You're finally able to spend some quality time on your own today. Ignore the world.
In Detail
After a lot of recent socializing, you are finally getting the chance to spend some quality time on your own. You may think you still want to be out and about enjoying the wild life today, but once you get a little taste of solitude, you will settle right in happily. This inward phase will afford you the luxury of time ... feel free to ignore the rest of the world (as much as you can) and just while away your day with introspection and relaxation.


so i was thinking very true, i was in the dont-feel-like-talking mood and so ya. it's been hard on my friends who asked me to east coast with them. haha.
and then, as usual, after reading mine, i'll click on pisces.

TK's:
The Bottom Line
There's new energy in your step. It's a good day to give something one more try.
In Detail
If there are some new ideas floating around today that make you feel uncomfortable, then those are the ideas you need to pay attention to most. It is time to stretch your boundaries right now and step into a new experience, or at least make a new beginning toward a familiar goal. There is a new energy in your step, a new outlook on the same old circumstances. This is a great day to give something 'one more try.' This time the outcome will be more like what you want it to be.

i was completely elated. this was what i've been waiting for all these while i've been reading his horoscope. so i hurrily msged tk to check it out and started injecting the ideas i had in mind to him la. i mean, who wouldnt start feeling hopeful and all?


oh wells.
at least the tears no longer come.

i had a terribly terrible day. :''( so terrible even flower died on me.

*edited.
why tuesday was such a terrible day.

1. sewing class.
i totally suck at sewing class. i'm SO slow, SO messy and SO clumsy can! and it doesnt help that my lecturer is a frumpy old man who speaks like this:
"ok so now i show you how to do seams... unbias cut.. you see this is the... cut the calico... you know some books they'll say.... but nevermind i like to say unbias..."
and no, he wasn't really doin much demo that we could tell what he's going on about. and even if he's doing demo, he's so fast that we, at least i, can barely catch and remember what he's doing. the prob is that he works as though we're all familiarised with all the terms and the basics but the fact is that most of us dont.
and then i've classmate that is so competitive that will snatch to use the iron even when i'm like way slower already! grr.
and i feel so bloody inferior whenever i hafta disturb my classmates with my questions on how to do this and that but when they need help, i cant return the favour.
and i'm a total klutz, i have a messy workdesk with my stuff all lying around and i have to keep dropping things. the worst is to drop my whole box of pins! argh.

2. fucking cabfare.
cos i was so slow in doing my sewing shit, i had to saty back in class to finish up my work till 6pm when i'm suppose to meet ginny for fireworks at 7plus! so i took a cab home to drop my luggage bag and get changed. and bloody hell, it has to be peak hour and it's raised to a bloody $2 now!
and the driver has to drive us to routes that will jam and i was caught in the jam all the way from macpherson to my house!
so usually the cabfare from school to home is bout $7. i paid $14 that day!! grrr. and it left me with only $1 for the rest of the day, which i kindly donated to ginny's friend who was doing Flags. =(

3. fireworks romance went wrong. =(
was thinking i've at least got fireworks to romance with ginny lah. but i've got to have family probs at home and had to rush home halfway. pfft. such a downer.

4. family prob.
cant say much. but i'm so so so afraid that i'll lose all chances of ever reconciling with tk. and thus i was crying so hard the whole night.

5. the flower that ginny sweet bought for me died!
ok not died, the bud just fell from the stalk like that la!!! so sad la. ginny went all the way to compass to get for me just to cheer me up leh. *hugs* it's the first flower i ever receive from anyone. =)
i mean, there was once durin sec3's valentine's day when cassan and some ppl ordered flowers for everyone in class and another once when neyton was in hospital and his friends bought him sunflowers but his mom asked me to bring them home cos she doesnt think anyone will appreciate it at her house. so they're both not counted cos you know, aiya, i know you do. oh and there was another time when nessa surprised me with a artifcial uh..plant? doesnt quite look llike flower but i like it all the same. but cos it's not real, it's not counted.

well, anyway, on the brighter side, fireworks and talking to ginny was great. =)
oh. i told ginny the fireworks sure reach the moon one. and it did!! =P (excuse the terrible perspiry-sticky hair)

the flower ginny gave, and some narcissism. which is still lookin pretty fresh even though it's been 4days and broken!

just barely 5mins ago...

yupp! thanks a hon man!
anyw i'm feelin a wee better. i was slow dancin to class90fm...
hahahaah!
hahahahah
how bloody emo
lol
haha ya lor..


then they hafta play:

Just As I Am
I've had a lot of big dreamsI've made a lot of bad moves
I know you could walk away
But you never do
I've met a lot of cold hearts
I've learned to smile and deceive
I know I'm hard to be around
But you never leave
I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
I've made a lot of heartaches
I've found a lot of closed doors
When all the others turn away
You love me more
You love me more
I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
I want to love forever
To keep our world together
And be the best that I can be
Baby, every time the world caves in on me
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am



and now, i'm crying all over again. for the above reasons you gave me when wanting me back, back then, i gave our love another try again. that was like only 4mths ago? and now, you've lost these, and yet i'm still clinging helplessly on.


maybe i should really move on....?

if only you would have a change of heart.

you know, just now when he said he's been reading my blog, my hopes stupidly went sky high! i thought he was gonna say he's finally decided to come back. but then... sigh. i'm so so heartbroken i dont think my heart can ever be mended again.

sigh... *hugs* i know how you feel dear...

no, you dont. sometimes i really feel like hating him and totally take it that i dont know such a person at all.

dont be silly girl... if you can do that, you would have done that 5years ago. you liked him for what? 6 years? and it's been so long...

and you waited 3yrs plus just to get together with me yes??

my. i hate to say this, but you're right... and yes, but i had to throw it all away! ="(

of cos, still say i dont know how u feel!! =) anyway, dont be so hard on yourself. things happen. everyone has to learn to take things in their stride to love.

haiya.

well, let's just hope the silly guy will wake up soon and stop all these crying. i'll keep that in my prayers! =)

i wish i knew how to quit you.

yes yes. you've heard that line before. how boring.
and what's even more boring?
i cant. i just cant.

not even after u told me in the bus that you've read my blog and that you're at your wits end cos you dont want me to go home crying after meeting you, yet, you cant reject me wanting to meet you up.
not even after i stupidly thought that you're already walking away to your other bus stop, so i just stood in the mid of my way home, crying till my head felt like it's gonna burst. and then to realise you saw all that cos you were 'stalking' me, just to make sure i got home safely.
not even when i felt touched by the fact that you still care for me, and walked back to you for a hug but u declined.

i should have held my pride and stop being such a pain in the ass in preventing you to move on with the life you want. but i did not. and i cannot.

and what's scared me horribly inside, is that i even felt like begging you on my knees for you to come back to me.

and i really hate this person that i am being.

just 30mins ago, i was reading my horoscope for 4th of august:
The Bottom Line
Today you'll get a lot closer to answering the questions you've been dealing with.
In Detail
Breathe easy -- today you will get a lot closer to answering the questions you've been wrestling with. Before the day is through, you'll be taken to the right place and given all the right tools to contemplate your situation and think through your options. There's no such thing as bad answers -- just right answers. So don't be afraid to dig deep into your subconscious and face some nagging fears. This may be a time when you have to give something up to get something you need.

and i was thinking: yes, this is so true. i'm gonna finally get myself to move on and let him live in peace. i'm gonna make the decision of never to ever see or hear from him again. i'm gonna consider my other options and give up on him.

yes, that was merely 30mins ago plus another bout of crying after harbouring such thoughts. such a pity. they're such good thoughts for my own sake, yet i end up crying! i am such a fucker. and now, i can only think of continuing to wait for him.

yes. say that again. i am such a fucker.




on another issue.
and yes, today is a double bad day for me.
group meeting was at 10am, national library. left house at 10, knowing that it's alright, everyone's gonna be late as well. guess what. i was the earliest! and so, i thought, that's alright, at least i've got meeting eepei in the afternoon to look forward to.

and so i msged her to remind that we're meeting in town at 1pm.

then got busy with my project stuff. round 11plus, i realised she hasnt replied so decided to call her. and she hung up on me! then followed by a msg sayin that she just got up!

ok, so i thought: dont get worked up. stay calm. and i told her that's alright, just hurry get changed now and meet me in town asap. i'll try bum at my friend's shop to kill time first. and so she said she'll call me as soon as she leaves her house. and that was like 11plus.

seriously. if you know you woke up late and your friend is gonna be in town, alone, waiting for you, what would anyone in the right mind do??? get up, get changed and leave house in 30mins max right???

but no! up till 1plus pm, i didnt get any call from her!

and so i starting calling and calling her but she just wouldnt pick up her phone. so i called her house at bout 1plus pm and she said eepei's bathing. and so later, eepei msged to say that she'd to bathe after eating.

as much as i wanted to say, 'look, i've been waiting in town for u for an hour, and you know you stay all the way in jurong, havent you got any courtesy to hurry up and get your ass in town?? not paseh one ar?'

but man. i shut up. i even bloody agreed to her suggestion to meet her at tiong bahru instead of town, for her convenience. and so i asked, so what time can you reach tiong bahru? that was approx. 2pm. no reply at all. called her over n over again until i fucking bek chek, i decided to head home.

and fucking luck has to play on me. forgot to bring ex-link, no coins, had to buy bloody newpaper when i dont even read that junk, just to get loose coins. and i am fucking broke ok.

ok, so change money and decided to head home. but then one the other hand, still didnt want to give up on her you know! so i called her a last time and she finally picked up and i completely lost my patience and kinda yelled, 'what were you doing?!'

and she went silent. no word of apologies or explaination of whatsoever.

ok, nevermind. so i decided to give her another chance, go ahead wth plan to meet her at tiong bahru. so i asked how long will she take to get to town.

'uh, what time is it now?' - of cos u wouldnt know the time! what would you care for the time. your friend can wait for you all the time ma. no need to know time one!

'3pm.' (even though it was 2.50pm. i decided to give her more grace time.)

'ok, i will reach bout 3.30pm'

so i took train to tiong bahru and on the way there, i just had to call someone and complain. so i called tk and joy and eventually started crying in the station. disgusting shit. anyw, reached at 3.28pm, and still, i decied to give her even more grace time. went up to get a drink, finished my drink, and it was 3.38pm. and so i msged to ask her where she was.

'i forgot my wallet just now. now on the train.'

'where.'

'clementi'

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. chinese garden to clementi only 2-3stops lor.

'dont bother. i'm going back.'

'sorry i really forgot my wallet. dunno why i so suay. yesterday fall down today forget wallet.'

'your reasons dont matter to me any more. you took this friendship for granted once too often. i've enough.' - i admit i was rather harsh. but for goodness sake, i was on the verge of tears again when i got to know that she was at clementi.

hey. i'm not a 2 year old you know. if you tell a kid time and again different reasons why the sky is so high, he will still believe you. but not me. every fucking time she's late, she's got full of reasons. why not wake up earlier to make sure that if any sort of accidents will happen(knowin that something will always happen to you) you'll have enough time to make up for them, so that you can make sure you wont be late, right?!!

and what's more infuriating is that when she found out that she forgot her wallet, she could have hurry send a msg to me to leme know of the misfortune and thus, how long more will she take. so at least i'll be prepared to wait. nothing ok.

it's just like you got a a1 painting to hand up in 4weeks time and you delay it by having the time of you life in the 4 weeks. and finally it's time to hand in your work, you tell your lecturer, oh sorry, i cant hand in in time cos 2 weeks ago, my house tumbled down so i cant do my work. your lecturere will confirm say, why didnt you say that 2weeks back?

and besides, if i were in your shoes, i know that i've kept a friend waiting for so long, i'd sincerely wana make up for it. if i forget my wallet, i'll definitely send a msg then rush down by cab. there's no sincerity from her at all!

to you.
you once said you no longer know the meaning of friendship anymore.
i couldnt answer you back then. and i cant give you an exact answer to you now either.
i think at the very least, friendship means being there for your friends when they need support most. and in ways, i think i'll have no shame saying that i'll have friends telling me that i might not always be available but they'll always find me there when they need it the MOST.
and i can say, friendships are never something you should take for granted. so i forgave you a couple of times when you had also been outrageously late or fly my plane. but that doesnt mean i deserve going through that shit from you all the time.

and since now we're in this situation, i might as well take the opportunity to trash everything out. i'm not sure if you've changed. or it's only now that i discover the person you're. but stop being such a LAN-HONG. you wana go club, have fun, enjoy your youth, it's ok. once in awhile, everyone can understand, so can you mom. but look at what you're doing with the trust people are placing in you! you can stay out on consecutive nights and have your mom calling me, asking me where you're and stuff and saying that she's been so worried bout you, she's fallen sick.

do you enjoy having fun while your mom worries herself sick at home??? i told you a million and one times to call her if you're gonna stay out late and let her know your whereabouts and if you dont do that, be prepared to pick up her calls! why dont you jolly well flush your phone down the bowl since you're so unkeen to pick up calls! only bother to use it to msg guys right??? argh.

i'm so pissed and disappointed by you man. yet the most annoying thing is that i'm still telling myself not to give up on you. on this friendship.

just like how tk keeps telling me not to agree to meet up with you when you're gonna end up being late and gettin me upset over it, yet, i still decide to give you chances to meet up.

the pain we both know.

i realised as much as my big mouth go about babbling all my little 'secrets' to just bout anyone i feel i can talk to, i havent really found someone i can trust, like totally. but i feel like finding that someone so i cant really tell everything, and i really mean everything, to hear more solid advice.

and i say 'secrets' cos though most things i tell my close friends may sound really private but they arent totally so.

i mean, the dark dark secrets which i haven find someone to spill to, you know what i'm talking about??

thing is, i'm too afraid of being judged, esp by close friends.



argh. what exactly am i saying?!! of cos everyone needs to keep a handful of secrets to ourselves! ok bye.

some things, we just cant help it...

gary *he'll find his way [ home ] sent 8/2/2006 9:17 PM:
wei. stop reading so much into horoscopes already la. when it states that u will have a fine day u feel happy like cock, when it says otherwise, you won't hardly even try to be happy the entire day. not worth it i wud say. and its prolly rubbish anyway, not that i don't read it at all. but. u know. *shrugs

i know i know. but...

3rd august says:
The Bottom Line
The best strategy for today is to have no strategy whatsoever. Put aside agendas.
In Detail
The best strategy for today is to have no strategy whatsoever. You must put aside your agenda and just let everything unfold in its own way, in its own time. If you're involved in a big event or contest, there's no way to swing the outcome in your direction. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Now is not the time for major moves in a love, school or financial context. Just sit tight for a while and wait until the stars say it's a wise time to go forward.


and it's just so true la. dont read, it's a waste.
haha!

kinda bored... so here goes.

scared of 14 thingssss
[ ] the dark
[ ] staying single
[ ] getting married
[x] being a parent
[x] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] cats
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[x] spiders and/or other insect--
>only lizards and worms actually
[ ] driving or being in cars
[ ] flying
[ ] being put to sleep
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[ ] water
[x] the ocean
[ ] pools
[ ] failure
[ ] success
[ ] germs
[ ] thunder/lightning
[x] frogs/toads
[x] mice/rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] cemeteries
[ ] clowns
[ ] large crowds
[ ] demons or evil
[ ] crossing bridges
[x] death
[x] Hell
[ ] Heaven
[x] being robbed
[ ] being sexually assaulted
[x] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] being punished
[x]diseases, including cancer and STD's
[ ] snakes
[ ] sharks
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] poverty
[ ] ghosts
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains or railroads
[ ] being alone
[x] losing my friends
[x] being blind to things
[x] being deaf
[ ] growing up
[ ] being murdered in my sleep

oh oh.

2nd august horoscope reads:
The Bottom Line
Take stock in one of your closest relationships today ... is this friendship fading?
In Detail
Take stock in one of your closest relationships today -- it is natural for people to drift apart, but you may not be realizing how quickly this friendship is fading. A recent social outing didn't turn out to be as much fun as you were hoping. Was it just a case of having unrealistic expectations, or are you guys drifting apart? Readjust your expectations and realize that you can work through this change if you both want to. It may be time to have an honest heart-to-heart talk.


joy, eepei and gwen, me love u guys lots k. just been on this moody streak so i'm not making much effort to talk a lot during meet ups.

or maybe i should stop taking the horoscope thing so seriously..? hm.

sometimes i think i bother people too much, i ought to be kept in a cage and thrown into sea.

i was in sewing class today when my classmate, michelle noticed that my sewing machine had a bobbin case stuck on it, left behind by the previous fucken user. and no matter how hard we pull, it just wouldnt (barge/bulge?). so we both, at the same time, thought of heating to expand the bobbin case and i took out my lighter and flicked the light. then michelle and i, at the same time again, said, 'better stop.'

we just had a sudden thought of me blowing up the whole fashion department. and we broke into laughter.

then... i had to sit there the entire lesson, imagining all sorts of things that can happen in sewing class. from stitching my own fingers, to having the machines run so fast that the needles breaking and flying in all directions, esp into our eyes, to bending ourselves so close to the machines that our clothes got caught by the machine and in the process of pulling the tangled fabric out of the machine, the machine stitched up our boobs and all that stupid stuff.

and michelle suddenly said, 'eh, are u ok?'




i was seriously breaking cold sweat just sitting there, imagining the stupidest thing on earth.