Purely Your Imagination

vera in context.

vera's johari

(ripped this somewhere which i think is really true!) ARIES WOMAN >> >>She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal >>frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things >>and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even >>real, so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. >>She >>think only good things so she prepares and always make arrangement for >>herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed. >> >>If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This >>seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face >>mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, >>slight tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing >>or mixture of character. >> >>Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She >>thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize >>everything from her childhood. When she faces with problems, she will >>handle them and solving them very well, and at the same time showing other >>people >>that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems in >>crisis better than many other Zodiac. Once she determine to do thing, >>nothing will stop her. >> >>Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another >>woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirty >>dancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek. >>She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold >>and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she >>choose you, she will need to be proud of you. >> >>"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is >>"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She >>plans her life, and socially life easily and very carefully. She is also >>very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance >>because she loves ambition and a good life. She need lots of love, but do >>not >>want and do not belief in an occasional or unconventional love. >> >>She is a proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come >>from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth >>anyway (certainly there are always exception). She always look cool even >>when she is not. She like to make people see her as "secure and confident" >>even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you >>can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time. >> >>You never have all her times, for she likes to work hard and also spent >>some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a >>"Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most >>likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is a romantic and >>artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her >>beautiful >>imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan. >> >>A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a high >>point, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will >>not show her ambition, but she will show that she satisfy with herself >>now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but sure. >> >>If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is >>stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person, >>but in fact she can stick you down like a super glue without you knowing >>it.

i want/i need.

air. love. food. air. air. air.

tissue is edible and tears are for loser.

i have a nice big house, with my own room and a wardrobe that's 'like xiao ding dang's pocket, it's neverending', money, possibility of owning a car when i get my license, education, good food on certain days and the list goes on..

i had a bf who loves me after his mom and his goals, but still a pretty damn big lot, and cares for and pampers me as much as he can.

i have friends, many, who loves me so much they treat me like a princess on good times and never fail to give me a real good scolding when i seriously need it.

i'm aware of the number of opportunities i'm given in this life, the goodies i'm blessed with, etc., that sometimes i sit smiling to myself thinking of how blessed i actually am.

yet, i have to admit i am not always satisfied with all that i already have. more than often, i crave for more. and when i dont get it, i sulk and think how it sucks. and yes, i know how pathetic that sounds.

and times when i lose my balance, forget to see how blessed i already am, blinded by my greed for more, i do things that cause me to lose what i already have.

my bf, for instance.
in my head, i keep thinking, 'if there's ever a chance again, i swear i'm gonna make it right this time.
in my dreams, i see him coming back.
in my heart, i long for his love again.
yet i just dont have the courage to demand for a chance anymore. i guess i dont have the right. what if i lose my freaking mind and screw things up again? how more of this do i want him to take?

so you see, being blessed doesnt mean you wont have any kind of stress. i've a list of things i'm having a headache on:
1. i dont like the person i am. example,1) i cannot keep myself feeling satisfied all the time and i sometimes take things for granted. 2)whenever i talk impatiently to anyone(who matters to me), i cant forgive myself.
2. my tees, accessories and shoes sales not doin well and i'm pretty much stuck with unsellable stuff.
3. i havent been to my grandma's house though i promised her i would a few months back.
4. i want him back badly yet there's nothing much i can do.
5. money. i've terrible control of money.

a few others i cant think of now or i cant say it here.
i do admit, certain issues are self-created problems, and others are solveable with determination.

but like what david says most rightly: 'you're someone who's very sure of yourself and what you want but you need others' assurance and encouragements for you every now and then to carry on.'

i can say, i've been trying pretty much to have a better attitude at home. and i've been trying pretty hard to build trust, like, going back home at the time i promised..?
but just before i got any recognition for my efforts, i screw it all up by being found out bout smoking, by my rents.

and yes, smoking. it must bore everyone to the core now, that i say i'm quitting. but i really was determined to, when tk left. i was going slower and lesser and putting it off slowly. and just as i was on my last stick in the last pack which was in my bag for days, and that very night i was feeling very down and i needed this very unhealthy 'friend', i decided to light the stick and finish my last stick; i was found out.

and there, i destroyed another wonderful thing i've been slowly gaining. trust.

cassan, after giving up on urging me to quit smoking ages back, says i deserve it. i guess i do. and i guess a lot others think likewise too.

Thursday, July 06, 2006 at 12:18 AM

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