thinking too much and thinking too little.

home the whole day, almost evaporate into nothingness if not for the huge mass of fats i own and eddiezone.net. and leftover cakes.

and come tmr, i have a little something to look forward to - meeting him after class.
and probably a little something to dread - aftermath of meeting him.



yayness.

va voom... ek ek.

The Bottom Line
Turn off your aggressive energies, because you need to let up and be more mellow.

In Detail
Go out early today and invest in a new pair of comfy pajamas and slippers, because you need to devote yourself to complete relaxation. Turn off your aggressive energies, say 'so long' to going the extra mile and simply put your feet up. Today is all about being mellow and removing the word 'deadline' from your vocabulary. It might be difficult for you to let go and allow other people to handle things, but you need to take a step back and turn off your engine.


yes yes, i shall sit n rot and see if people'll ask me out instead of the other way forthis whole week. bah. i'd probably turn into dust and no one will notice.


a gritty take about the struggle for identity.
the beat that my heart skipped is really good, no exact direction kinda film. slow-burning but at times, tense. and a plus point for the extra comfy seats, at the Picturehouse sat Cathay, that wan says, 'i feel like we're in a plane lor.' oh. gonna buy the soundtrack. i likeee.

and dinner was fab, esp when it's FREE. :)" finally got to try the food at the shop with all the vintage furnitures at PS.

will the real skinny ginny please shut up, please shut up.

when vera goes:
"oh i really like this but i think i'll look fat in it."
-proven.
"i bet i cant pull this off cos i'm too fat."
-proven.
"sigh, my arms will look horrid in this."
-proven.
"i'll be so fat in this."
-proven.

when ginny goes:
"oh this is nice. but it's so bloody small. i'm too fat for it."
and vera scrutinize it and say:
"what? dont make me slap u. sure can wear, you're so skinny!"
"no i'm too fat. i got big bums one you know!"
"..." *accompanied with rolling of eyes.
"i'll prove it to you!"

-not proven. (can even wear EXTRA-SMALL!)


had fun tho! =)





























this is the very cool pic i took of her.

and she's so nice in reciprocating lor...

gimme a zebra and some deers.

yesterday's orientation was a bore. got to know new friend, marcus, who nicely suggested accompanying me for lunch since my friends will be late gettin to town to meet me. then went to chinatown to get a shitload of sewing materials for production class which i know i'm gonna hate already.

cos i'm so accident prone. trust me. like 5 people already advised me to bereally careful when i take sewng class, knowing that i'm a careless bum. and needles. ouch.

then nice silly eepei met me after her class to shop town and ended the night with an iced coffee, 2 kaya toast and 2 half-boiled eggs! =)

on today, class starts at 10. morning classes are a killer, i dont think i'll ever get used to waking early. never ever. and it ended at 4 with production class where we learnt the basics of sewing. argh. and i hafta 'chop' a sewing machine that leaks oil.

rush to chinatown after class to meet up with yiting and marcus to buy more school stuff so had to cab. and the driver was pretty funny. it goes:

"uncle, chinatown people's park complex. thanks."
"uh, then go by nicoll highway then lao pat sat then drop u at og ok?"
"er..ok lor."
"go ERP you dont mind right? Everyday Rob People."
"ah..haha. can la."

then we drove for a little and saw the DHL hot air balloon...

"wah..this DHL balloon ah..."
"oh i just went to sit on it the other day!" *happily
"wah! you lucky ah you!"
"ha, oh.." (thinkin that he said i'm lucky cos i get to sit on it.)
"you lucky you came back lor!"
"huh???"
"DHL ma...Delivery Halfway Lost you know! you never sit until fly away very lucky ar!"


... ...

everyone's starting school tomorrow. i feel a little lost. =(

random idle.
i feel like having to this skin: http://blogskins.com/info/99445 for a change. but i still like my old one pretty much. what do you think?

anyway i was pretty bored and so i played around with bloggers setting stuff and i came across this:


i put 02041000 for my birthday just for fun to see what will my age be. then it says error: must be at least 1902. so the oldest blogger can only be 104-year-old. poor 105s and thereafter.


there's a random question at the end of the questionaire and mine reads: 'in the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?' like wtf, i think the question has got grammar errors liao right? and who ever dreams of such shit. next, i think if i ever go to school naked, i'd just die of shame rather than wonder why didnt i swim. plus, who in the right mind shows up in school naked???
but for the fun, i'd answer: cos i'd be so damn hot there'll be a long queue asking for a shag.

oh, plus it's a dream.

next up, bite into this!!!
stats doesnt do as much as pictures!


i nearly peed in my pants when i spotted this at PS.


it's real chocolate!!!


i cant believe the people around it isnt salivating around the glass.


i really felt like sinking my teeth into this there and then. =)""

slurp.

my family has the worst anger management. i swear.
the morning started with my mom sms-ing me at 10.30 in the morning, asking me to wake up cos lunch time changed to earlier slot. so i got up, woke my bro up and happily dressed up cos we're having family lunch at some dim sum restuarant at raffles hotel. most looking forward to the xiao long bao of cos! :P"

then my sis came up to her room to get changed and my mom came up as well and wanted to know what my sis is wearing. my sis is super lum nua(lazy bum) when it comes to clothing. alright, maybe not lum nua. i think it's the growing phrase where you feel weird wearing just about anything to everything and when she finds stuff that she feels safe in, she sticks by them even though they're starting to resemble kiam cai(salted vegetables).

so upon seeing that my sis is wearing her old pleated white skirt, my mom flared and demanded that she change and my sis started looking herself up in her room. i think she was going through her wardrobe to try on other stuff. but my mom kept knockin on the door and demanded to go in and on the other end my sis stupidly and even i find, somewhat irritatingly, denied my mom entry. and so cos impatience run through my family, anger started flaring.

and finally when my sis decided to open her door my mom started pouncing on every small issue to yell about. so she started bout the fact that she's been buying my sis new clothes but my sis always stick with her old so next time she's not gonna buy her anymore. and next came the mattresses on the floor which my maid sleeps on but didnt keep today.

then, all of a sudden, she started scolding my bro as well that his room is messy. then my dad came up and learnt bout what was happening and started scolding me as well that clothes are in piles all over my room and that bro n i had to wake up so late when we know that we're gonna go out for lunch.

like what the???

and i had a very strong impulse not to go for lunch. but knowing that that's only gonna 'sour-fy' the situation further, i went along.

ok so at the restuarant, everything was going pretty nicely again. then came the issue of what to do after lunch. and my rents had decided to go suntec where my sis wanted to buy a pair of pants. but my sis didnt want to go just now cos she didnt know where the exact location to buy the pants is yet, and she has to confirm with her friends, but she stupidly told my mom that she hasnt done her homework so she doesnt want to go.

so upon hearing so, my mom's temper flare again and ya. it's so so stupid it was such a minor issue. and then of cos, my dad also started scolding la. and my bro was sitting there sulking cos he didnt get to order another serving of chee chong fun la. then my little cousin was throwing tanthrum throughout the whole meal la. then my grandma kept going on that she's already eaten something before coming so she's on the verge of vomiting if she eat anything else la.

isn't that annoying???

it's supposed to be a harmoniously happy family meal lor. sheesh.



ok, then that's not the end. here comes my temper lor. so after the meal, me n my sis were walking towards my aunt's car and i dont know how the conversation started but i got to learn that so she didnt wana go buy her pants today cos she doesnt know the exact location. so i started feeling a bit irritated but tried to hold my anger by telling her why didnt she tell my mom that instead of some rubbish thing bout not having done her homework which she knows my mom will sure be angry with it.

ok. then she started arguing shitloads lor, and it's as though she didnt hear a single thing i say. she's always arguing the wrong stuff which makes u feel even more irritated cos you dont want to think that your sis is that stupid but she herself was proving so! and so my anger flare too and i started scolding her as well.

then my aunt said, "aiyo enough la. your parents scold her liao you still scold her."

then i... ya. that's true. and i felt pretty bad la. like, there i was telling my mom to calm down in the restuarant and tellin my aunt after the meal, that i dislike the fact that my whole family was throwing fire-bombs at each other during the meal, so it's meaningless that we eat out. but i myself have to lose my temper too.



it's really hard to keep a positive mood and control temper at home when everyone is influencing each other and drowning the initial good mood you were having.

where the dust collects and the spiders roam.
an hour ago i set out looking through the things in my room i havent been touching, trying to find something i wore every single day for 2years - the ring we bought together in the name of our love.

last year, i decided to finally take it off and keep it in my wallet so that at least i have it by my side everyday, even if i'm not wearing it anymore. the last time i remember seeing it is when i took it out, it was nearing christmas and i cried holding it to sleep.

then somehow, i dont know where i ended putting it or if there's another last time i actually took it out, again. but months ago, when i decide to wear it once again, it's missing.

after much crying and contemplation, i decided to tell tk about it and even suggested we get a new one. but he doesn't want to. he says he doesn't want to replace one so insignificantly. and i guess i kinda agree.

the one that we had, marked our 1st month anniversary. we had it selected and engraved at hougang mall and we both paid individually. it's a simple and pretty old-fashioned kind which had set a distinct mark on my forefinger for months after taking it off.

you're probably thinking that here i am, talkin bout this ring and all, it must mean that i've found it. no i havent. i barely went through one fifth of my room and i'm already crying. cos i had to take out the box with all his old letters and little gifts and memories and begin looking through them.

there's one about his pains to think that i suggested having an open relationship with him. i cant believe i was that stupid and insensitive and how much hurt i must have inflicted on him. of cos i havent forget having suggested such an insane idea, and i havent forget the reasons for it either. but reading his letter, i find his emotions cutting me raw, i finally feel how he must have felt.

there's a christmas card that says it's out first christmas together and he's sorry i'm with a poor boyfriend and hopes that he'll give me something better next year. and thereupon, he drew a christmas tree that resembles an arrow and says: "give ya a xmas tree to protect my love for always" why did i even say he isnt sweet?

there's this card made out of drawing board folded into postcard size with writings in colourful crayons and cuttings of magazine pictures stuck on messily, which i remember thinking that my kindergarten kids can do that. but i really love that thought cos it shows how much he was trying on the creative side, why didnt i tell him then?

there's a strip of arnott's tim tam wrapping which he bought for me, knowing that i love snacking on it a lot. even though he contemplates even getting himself a can of drink when he's out, rather than drinkin from his bottled water. and i always only see myself as the sacrificing partner in the relationship, failing to see what he's done for me.

there's a barely-used can of Zambuk which holds memory to our 2nd last year in xinmin where on fine day, i was walking behind him with a bottle of baby powder in my hand and decided to sprinkle some fun on his big head. and after doing so, he started turning around, meaning to talk to me. and being the guilty-conscience me, i started running from him thinking that he's caught me. and then, 'wham!' i hit the huge pillar behind me and developed a 'baluku'(swell) the size a small orange on my forehead and i remember laughing myself silly, saying that i thought these only happen in comics.

then there are the stuff he gave me from his china trips. the first, he got my quite a number of clothing which i only wear the spaghetti top. the second, i got a bottle of my favourite drink - baileys, which i still keep the hennessy box he used to contain the baileys and the baileys empty bottle itself.

this coming august, he's going back to china again. and there's only one thing i want him to bring back for me this time, the love he had showered me with which i've failed to be satisfied with.


cos somehow i still believe i didnt lose the ring. i still believe i've got the ring somewhere. i still believe one day it will be back in my finger again. and this time it wouldnt come off anymore.

yes, i still believe.




as for the search, let's leave it to another day. it's 3am.

hi.how ya doing today? i'm fine.
i woke up in the morning feeling fresh and gave myself a happy smile. danced my way to the toilet and wash up, thinking it's gonna be a new day today, that i'm gonna put all behind. but as i sat shitting, i thought of the times i call you when i shit, i felt tears coming again.

you asked how was my day. of cos i'm fine. each day ends with me still alive and kicking equivalates(wrong spell?) to fine. but that doesnt mean i can ever stop thinkin of you. not even for a single day.

i realised i've stopped wanting to diet, to exfoliate or even to wash my face in the mornings.


driven cold.

i really really need you.



on a lighter note, meet up with ginny was good. shared a waffle at cartel gardens at only $1.50! =) i'm loving her. =) =) again, =).

dont tell a girl she's fat unless you're ready to face the consequences.
caught movie: 'thank you for smoking' with pink nipples(gary) today. quite a 'surprise' friend to go out with though, as in, he's not the usual friend i'll ask to hang out. but i asked him cos i felt our situations are kinda similar, so it's easier to talk? -shrugs

ok, and i badly wana watch thank you for smoking.

and i like it. i really really like it. not cos i stand by smoking. it's sharp, witty and loaded with killer lines. i like the whole idea of the film. especially how the man teaches his son that it's important to make his own decisions and believe in them.

i think that's the way i'll bring up my children next time. i mean, it's their life, they should be able to choose to live the way they want it. it's true i gave them life and i've the responsibility to see that they get the best out of life. but that doesnt mean i hold the right to control their lives. and even if i do, how long can i even control it? one day, i'll age and die away and they will still change somehow to the way they've always wanted to be.

what i see more effective is that i give them the opportunity to make decisions and go wrong, while i'm still around. so that i can help them out of their situations when things dont go well, so that they learn and never repeat.

everyone is given a chance in life to how their path will take on, mainly base on how they've walked it in the initial stage. you might say, 'oh if i dont mind my children properly and see that they take the right path, then they will end up leadin a hard life, with no point of return.' but you see, you've thus failed to see the beauty of life.

there's no exact right or wrong life, nor is there good or bad. i give my children a life, i want them to live it with passion, see the beauty of life and grow old remembering the things they've done, not regretting the things they've not done.

and why should i exert stress on myself on things i cant forever control? whatever will be, will be. que sera sera~






and thus, lastly, after much thought, i've decided to let things be. if it's meant to be, it will be.
i'll always love You, no matter what.

so u still wish to be friends now right?

ya...that's me...but i know how difficult it'll be for you...i won't insist in sth that's only beneficial to me...ya still my concern...anw,i've sent you a file to ya email...take a look

read alr tt's why i ask...
esle i'm depicted as always makin decision only..

no sarcasm intended

i know...i get what you mean...i mention it in the email cos that's happening all the time...i'm not happy abt it..but this time,you've to make a decision for yourself on what you want

do you want me to be a friend or stranger?

it's not only bad but also selfish to insist sth that might hurt you..

friend

i hope you understand this...it's hard for you..but it's nth better on my side...i didn't choose to make you come back then dump you.. ( in fact,you dumped me,but it's ok)..just that i'm not as strong as i thought..

i udst.. but there're somethings u never take into acct.. like the fact tt in sec sch u keep playin ard with my feelings.. awhile like me, awhile dont like me.. and even used me for sexual means... all these i also cant forget. i waited for u to get over one girl after another.. then finally settle down and start realising i'm still around.

u got a chance to start things anew with me.. but things didnt turn out well.. and one thing led to another.. but i really wish we can put everything behind us, and make things work out again..

yes..that's why i put up with you for so long...and the fact that you like louis...

i know what ya did and what i'm doing...

but what did you do after you come back from so far away...you still didn't change abit...

you got a changed man after fooling ard with a plyboy..

what u mean: you got a changed man after fooling ard with a plyboy..

but ya still the same...you get what i mean?it's how much you show that ya sorry...not talk..

what u mean: you got a changed man after fooling ard with a plyboy..

you got a changed man ( the me now) after fooled ard by a what you would think playboy...

whatever ya gonna say...i think i've done enough..even if you might think i'm selfish...
i'm going back to sch today...
ya take care...i'll be with you next tue...

okok... anyw.i think we'll still be friends..

at least i've the slightest bit of hope
cya




u receive my last few sentences?

ya
but...can you not do this?

i mean...if you wanna be friend,then don't harbour the hope that we might get back,like that we can never be..and if you realise i'm with sme1 else..

you'll feel shit...

like when ya walked away...i didn't disturb you with my emotions right?
that's what i mean..


dont worry. either way i'll still feel shit.. i will stop disturbin u with my emotions ya....


listen to me...get another guy...if you can do it 1 yr ago,you can do it now...get over me,and find some1 new who's good for you,good for you,not good to you...

give yourself more time and take it slowly...

stop it pls.

ya...i can stop anytime,anything...it's you that i cant stop...



ok. if a good guy comes by, i might consider.
the hardest sentence i've said in ages.

"actually...I really don't wanna commit again. at least not in the near
future.you still don't get it that it's not there's nth worth left to try,
but difference between us that seperate us apart. your attitude and my
helpless situation. i need a girlfriend who's really understanding. and most
of all, the most important issue here is that i can't get over sth,sth that
you'd done. and you're still the same old you,making impulsive decisions and
regreting them almost immediately. then when i try to leave us alone,you
start sending me all kinds of msg that stir up my emotions. and when you're
doing that,you make yaself sound like a begger. but other times,you turn
proud and arrogant. why? i'm some1 who detest a master-and-slavery
relationship.i put it up with you for so long and warned you before.it's not
a last minute reminder.even when i gave you chances to change,it's just
coming back again and again.

i think you've forgotten the reason why we broke up. the most serious issue
behind this. I can't get over what you have done. i seemed happy when we
went on a date. but do you know how much i suffered everytime after a date
when i was alone?and everytime after -,the pain just keep coming
back...honestly,i've never felt so cheated in my life.now ya feeling that
pain,but pls be thankful that at least i didn't leave you for somebody
else.i'm just doing what's right for me this time and you should be
responsible for your action.and i'm not going to change my decision this
time round.i think we both are responsible,but there's limit to what i can
do.i've not let you down.

you know...I used to look at your baby photo,the one wearing the big
sunglasses,whenever we quarrel and asked myself,'how am i supposed to let go
of this cute and innocent kid'. the big smile never failed me...but what i
had miscalculated was that this innocent kid had already grown up to some1
else...you left when you decide it'd be happier for you,then came back as
you still find i'm the prefered one.but have you ever take care of my
feelings?am I just one of those cloths that you buy and wear for awhile or
once in awhile?I've never thought of not being friends. I'd never wanna do
that. but even towards the end of the relationship,you're still the one
who's calling the terms to end a friendship. most of my female friends now
are my exgirlfriends, most of them..but there's nth evil between us. even
though we're not very close,but i'm thankful to have them to give me some
support. but now I've realised that i've no participation in any decision
making in this relationship. I've had enough. I know it's heartbreaking for
you...but it's the same for me,if not more...but we need to stop this, in
order to bring a better life...you'll find your guy somehow,it just needs
time and patience.

I loved you with all that I might, even though that love is imperfect. and i
still love you...but there're sth that you just can't force to happen now..."


at some parts i feel so misunderstood, like no amount of explanation can ever get through, others i feel so helpless. but i've chosen to remain as friends. cos then i live with the slightest tiny hope that one day... just one day... ...

have you ever cried so hard your head feels like bursting, your lungs seem to have collapsed and your heart in wrenching pain...

have you ever switch your phone to silent mode though usually you'll gladly welcome the merry ringings of your phone with each call/sms? today i did. to prevent my heart from stopping and escalating as i open the inbox and see who the sender is, then, plummeting to see that it's not from him. but i ended up lookin at my phone every 5secs to see if there's a call or a msg or a tiny little clue that might tell why he hasnt replied my msg.

and when i got on the bus just now, heading home from work, i guess i didnt notice how very sad i was looking all day. but this kind auntie sitting beside me did. she patted my shoulder and said, 'it's alright sayang, everything will be fine.'

and i just suddenly grabbed hold of her arm and burst out crying. right in the bus.



and when i got home and came online, i saw an email from weiming which goes:

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die...

Send this to everyone on your list.......isn't that sweet? I like you because of who you are to me. You are a true friend, if I don't get this back I'll take a hint.
Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere aol, yahoo, outside of school, anywhere. get ready for the biggest shock of your life. If you break this chain letter you will be cursed with 10 relationship problems for the next ten years. If you send 15ppl this in 15 min you're safe

You are Everything To Somebody Right now at this very minute-----------
someone is very proud of you
someone is thinking of you
someone cares about you
someone misses you
someone wants to talk to you
someone wants to be with you
someone hopes you aren't in trouble

someone is thankful for the support you have provided
someone wants to hold your hand
someone hopes everything turns out all right
someone wants you to be happy

someone wants you to find them
someone is celebrating your successes
someone wants to give you a gift
someone think you ARE a gift
someone hopes you are not too cold, or too hot
someone wants to hug you
someone loves you
someone wants to lavish you with small gifts
someone admires your strength
someone is thinking of you and smiling
someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on
someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun
someone thinks the world of you
someone wants to protect you
someone would do anything for you
someone wants to be forgiven
someone is grateful for your forgiveness
someone wants to laugh with you about old times
someone remembers you and wishes you were there
someone needs to know that your love is unconditional

somebody values your advice
someone wants to tell you how much they care
someone wants to stay up watching old movies with you
someone wants to share their dreams with you
someone wants to hold you in their arms
someone wants YOU to hold them in your arms
someone treasures your spirit
someone wishes they could STOP time because of you
someone can't wait to see you
someone wishes that things didn't have to change
someone loves you for who you are
someone loves the way you make them feel
someone wants to be with you
someone hears a song that reminds them of you
someone wants you to know they are there for you
someone is glad that you're their friend
someone wants to be your friend
someone stayed up all night thinking about you
someone is alive because of you
someone is wishing that you would notice them
someone wants to get to know you better
someone believes that you are their soul mate
someone wants to be near you
someone misses your guidance and advice

someone values your guidance and advice

someone has faith in you
someone trusts you
someone needs you to send them this letter
someone needs your support
someone needs you to have faith in them
someone needs you to let them be your friend
someone will cry when they read this

SEND THIS ON TO SOMEONE SPECIAL send this to
0-1 people, your life will be short and terrible
1-5 people you will meet someone special
5-10 people you will meet your soul mate
10-15 people you will be happy
15-20 people you will marry and be happy
20 or more you will marry that one special person in your life


i wouldnt quite mind if my life is short or terrible. but for the slightest hope that i might marry that particular person i had in mind, i forward this email to more than 20 people(and also fearing that whatever things is the way it is now, is cos of the numerous emails i didnt bother forwarding to people). and somehow, i got a feeling this is the exact reason why weiming forward me the email too.

it's gonna be 12 midnight soon. please give me a miracle.

photos update! =)

the big 20s dinner.


the goodie foodie.


shots of everyone present. (i enjoyed being the niang niang)


giving out presents time!
as the bimbotic yinsiu kept going: chi ye chie bao le. xiao ye xiao hao le. xian zai duno wat duno wat. (xy videoed it, it's hilarious.)


so i shall go on bout how bimbotic yinsiu can be...
from top left pic to right: the 'always act su nu starring as porn star'. then oblivious of cassan's look of disgust while kissing her-till she saw the photo. twist. ya, twist again.
2nd row from left to right: dunno-what-look. 'cannot' lost first kiss. heavy bracelet? eating table.
3rd row: pose with sock, ya, sock. dancing, i suppose. proudly presents 'chou chou'-smelly smelly in chinese. and tried to shove it into xinyu's face.
4th row: twist again! and repeats.

wait, still got more bout her!

notice she was sitting down.


then suddenly all alert, she wants a hug as well.


sadly... not everyone wana hug her. hahaha.

%3

too bad i cant go prawn fishing with them now.

had dinner at crystal jade's korean restuarant to celebrate yx, xy n cassan's belated and early birthdays, altogether. pretty ex but nice food. =) and yx was hilarious, i'll talk more bout her another time. extremely tired, gonna head to bed soon...

oh yeah, and i was like tearing when cassan was opening her presents lah. haha, so pathetic and i dont even know why! bah.

i'm getting so FAT i dont wana i jump for joy.

ginny was pressurizing me to meet up jus now. (alright, not really pressurize la, i'd glady like to know her more too. =)) *convincing then. and somehow, i dunno why, but the sense of paranoia to new meet ups was so intense jus now.

i mean, i have always not really like first time meet ups.i hate myself being judgemental. as much as i hate being judged and scrutinised by someone i wana leave good impression on. but when an over-interesting person(ginny, arent u happy?haha) comes along and strut his/her stuff i'd most probably muster some courage to meet up. but just now was like...weird. i just couldnt make myself agree to meet up jus yet.

and i wanted to tell her it's partly cos these few days i've been feelin a little crappy, like cannot socialize mood. (you get what i mean?) but i didnt la.

then...

i went to friendster, like i do daily before i turn in for the night, to check my daily horoscope and today(meaning 14th july) reads:

The Bottom Line
You're entering a more inward time, so feel free to spend more time by yourself.
In Detail
Today represents a very introspective, low-key phase of your life. Right now it's wisest for you to keep things quiet and let information come to you. Don't go out and seek stimulation from new experiences or new people anytime soon. It's not a healthy idea for you to go out and socialize or engage in travel. Instead, spend your time at home. Being alone isn't a bad idea, so if social-savvy friends are pressuring you about a crazy night out, you are well within your rights to beg off.


isnt that scary how true horoscope can be??? oh my. i'm gonna faint.



i'm such a drama queen. *rolls eyes

anyw, i should be meetin ginny next week. keep fingers crossed. =)

ginny ginny girl.
there is no one. says:
crap. i think the girls no love me anymore.
there is no one. says:
=(
ginnyism says:
why??!!!
ginnyism says:
they dont love me more, but its okay la. i understand
ginnyism says:
as in, for my case
there is no one. says:
why leh?
ginnyism says:
hmmm. cause they dont really ask me out. haha. but its okay
ginnyism says:
i'm not the xinmin gang, so i understand
ginnyism says:
and why you think they dont love you??
there is no one. says:
ha that's bullshit reason. you're very loveable in your way and they love you i can vouch for that.
there is no one. says:
i was workin today so never meet them.. then msged xy she never reply.
there is no one. says:
called cassan she never pick up phone n never call back
there is no one. says:
so sad.
there is no one. says:
hahah crap. why am i even tellin u these.
ginnyism says:
because you're starting to love me! hahaha
there is no one. says:
at myself.
ginnyism says:
i thihk they're busy today.
ginnyism says:
they didnt even text me that they dropped zouk
there is no one. says:
oh ya! thought u guys suppose to club?
ginnyism says:
i NEARLY was gonna start dressing up
ginnyism says:
hahaha
there is no one. says:
then how did u learn?
ginnyism says:
oh, i thought i should sms first
ginnyism says:
lucky i did
ginnyism says:
then xy said not meeting anymore
there is no one. says:
haha very lucky u.
ginnyism says:
yes! lukcy i didnt trust them that much.
ginnyism says:
and i dont mean that i cannot trust them la
there is no one. says:
sigh. i think i got outcasted since i retained in sec3.
ginnyism says:
you know you know?
ginnyism says:
haha
there is no one. says:
i know what u mean la!
ginnyism says:
i probably did too when i repeated year one. shrugs
ginnyism says:
its hard la. and you know, xy and cassan are like the core girls. so well
there is no one. says:
i hate this. it's so hard to stay in a 'friendship group'
there is no one. says:
and it's nto suppose to be like that.
ginnyism says:
i know!!!!!!!!
ginnyism says:
its like you cant blame them that its not being so sticky as before.
ginnyism says:
but then again, its just very grrrrrr
there is no one. says:
exacto!!
there is no one. says:
i never get any bday treat anymore!
there is no one. says:
haha
there is no one. says:
i rmb the once i had the nicest bday in my life was in my retained sec3 yr.
there is no one. says:
and then no more.
there is no one. says:
haha gosh dont i sound like a loser.
ginnyism says:
hahaha. nono
ginnyism says:
i REALLY fully understand
ginnyism says:
i know you're aries. and aries and saggi people which is me, are very similar
ginnyism says:
that asides
ginnyism says:
it just sucks when friendships dont stay.
there is no one. says:
hahaha! u even believe in horoscope! and so do i!
there is no one. says:
OMG
ginnyism says:
esp when you made silly lil pledges to each other back then about how you guys will be friends forever
ginnyism says:
cliche but STILL!
ginnyism says:
not hard core believe la, but to some extent
ginnyism says:
haha
there is no one. says:
and i stupidly still believe in those shit!
there is no one. says:
haha.
there is no one. says:
the one i awlays rmb is bout havin U-shaped terrace houses, and all of us live side by side each other.
there is no one. says:
oh my. i dont wana grow up.
ginnyism says:
!!!!!!!!!!
ginnyism says:
omg
ginnyism says:
yes!!!
my friends didnt want houses la
ginnyism says:
we only wanted condos
ginnyism says:
ahhahs
ginnyism says:
okokay
ginnyism says:
now i gtg.i;m gonna meet mister F for ice cream
ginnyism says:
pray for my heart
there is no one. says:
aiyo!
ginnyism says:
i know i'm gonna come home crying
there is no one. says:
still meetin him!
ginnyism says:
but i still anna go
ginnyism says:
but sad
there is no one. says:
haha.
there is no one. says:
i understand
there is no one. says:
go go.
there is no one. says:
have fun.
there is no one. says:
=)
there is no one. says:
and keep silyl thoughts to urself.
ginnyism says:
breathes*
ginnyism says:
okays!

i'm falling in love with ginny. =P so many bits bits same same! from checking out horoscope to wantin to meet our someone even when the outcome of the meet's gonna be tears for ourselves.

i hate being alone.
why the girls never need me like i need them. bah.



crappy shit.
maybe i'm getting my period soon.

my horoscope for today, 12th july reads:
The Bottom Line
Your ability to predict things border on the psychic right now. Act on your gut.

In Detail
Remember that you have one of the best guts around (in terms of instinct, that is!). So this recent bout of self-doubt is completely unwarranted and unnecessary. Today you need to trust yourself! This day offers you a big opportunity to try out your new optimistic self-assurance -- and the best part of it is that it will be fun and completely risk-free. Consider it training wheels for a healthier ego. Your ability to see the future will grow stronger once you start listening to yourself again.


it's true on the part where i've been having self-doubt. been feelin insecured with the girls, afraid that eepei and joy will be pissed with me for having pushed meeting them for so long cos of spending more time with the girls, and wondering if tk already met someone new.

hopefully all these stupid thoughts are unwarranted and unnecessary like predicted!

hot air balloon pictures!


went for day and night ride. pretty fun if you're rich. it's $23 per ride and it only lasts 7-10mins. bah. luckily mine was paid for by my wonderful colleagues! =)


NDP rehearsal pictures!


asked her to pose and she purposely close her eyes in all 4 photos and say, 'like that pretty mah!'



so i hafta secretly catch her on camera while she busily do her naughty stuff!



tk took pride in making me fugly by sticking that sticker on my forehead and taking a picture of it.

*will upload more of NDP pics soon. =)

the following is abstracted from ginny's blog. hope she doesnt mind i already have it copied here before permission granted. heh.

"My mother threatened to kick me outta the house last night. For the record, that's the first time. I wish she had more sense to make of herself at times and stop using emotional blackmail on me. I start a discussion with intentions to bring both of opinions together to form consensus but she always ends the discussion with her opinion and her statement. I'm so sick and tired of being charged by the crimes she place on me and lose any form of defence for myself. She just doesn't see how her kid knows the world as well and ain't a frog sitting beneath some well. She thinks i'm the stupid delinquent i was and has no inkling to what society entails. She's the paragon of wisdom and truth that what she says has to be it. Why doesn't she ever ask what i think and want? Well, because she believes i have everything i want already. Right.

You said i'd never understand till i plunge myself in a situation. Well, i plunged into a bloody college and hated it, did you see that? Did you comprehend those emotions that i've been going through? You claim to be liberal and modern but your actions defy the acceptance of new and radical ideas. So much for being a liberal mother. You still want me to get a fucking degree and land myself an office job thinking that's the best route for security in the future. I'd rather be a church mouse with dreams than a stable lady with no soul. I have absolutely no intention of selling my soul to this pragmatic world where people live their lives with lack of passion. The above statements might come across to be idealistic and naive to you and i personally have doubts at that thought at times but what the fuck."

i totally understand how she feels. i guess many people use the wrong approach to love someone. and it's one thing i've learnt that i will try my very best to not apply it on child-rearing in the future. see? i cant guarantee if i wont do it myself either. most times, people do things without realising the pressure asserted to another and forget the fact that they might not like it if they're pressurized the same way too.

i was watching some chinese show on tv the other day, starring one of Twins and xie ting feng(what's his eng name??) and edison chen...if i didnt rmb wrongly. edison and nicholas(oh!) are supposed to be good buddies in the police force then shit happened and they drifted apart and edison joined the bad guys but was betrayed and framed and got into big trouble with the police. and not having done anything 'memorable' or 'wei da' in his life, he decided to seek the bad guys for revenge even though he's got a pregnant wife(the Twins girl). then, on the night of the revenge, he went back home secretly to take stuff and overheard the conversation between his wife and nic tse. and i think what his wife said was damn nice. it went something like this:

'even if i can stop *edision from seeking revenge, i wont. if he is back, i'll encourage him to go. i'll say go on, i've my full support. cos if i stop him from doing so, he'll feel useless for the rest of his life. and though i'll have a secured family, that's not call love. that's selfishness. and because i love him, i'll give him my full support. i'll tell him that me and the baby will always be waiting for him. and if he really cant return, i'll tell the baby that his dad was a brave and good police man.'

pretty cliche and a bit to the extreme example, but i thought it is nice all the same. and since this, i've been pushing away all secret thoughts of not wanting tk to fulfil his dreams of studying all the way till professor degree. cos i kept thinking then we'll have to get married damn late and all tht nonsense. selfish right? he shall have my full support from now, as much as we are just friends now. =)

p.s. ginny, for the record, i was threatened countless times.

i'm crying so hard i can hardly breathe. i really miss tk a lot and i really wish i can turn back time. 12:49am.

xinyu: you're home right? cya in 30mins.

huh? but why?

xinyu: to give you a hug.


the sweetest thing in weeks. she wana drive over just to give me a hug. and i felt i've to get myself to stop crying immediately. i've all these friends who love me so dearly, i should stop pending senseless hopes on the one guy who has chose to leave.

i love you.

lim hot kopi
lim hot tea
burst your nana
and kiss my ass!

i'm still giggling over this rina.


anyw, off to ride the hot air balloon at bugis now! hope my weight doesnt weigh down the balloon. i dont wana make it to head news like that. bah.

Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No.




i was just sitting by myself in my room when i suddenly missed him real bad. i thought i must call him. but after numerous calls, i still cant get through, and by the 5th call, my heart was racing so fast it aches. and i could hardly breathe.

i think i'm going crazy.

and as much as he told me not to be silly and that he still cares,
i cant pretty much control this heart of mine.


cant you tell how much i want you back?

tissue is edible and tears are for loser.

i have a nice big house, with my own room and a wardrobe that's 'like xiao ding dang's pocket, it's neverending', money, possibility of owning a car when i get my license, education, good food on certain days and the list goes on..

i had a bf who loves me after his mom and his goals, but still a pretty damn big lot, and cares for and pampers me as much as he can.

i have friends, many, who loves me so much they treat me like a princess on good times and never fail to give me a real good scolding when i seriously need it.

i'm aware of the number of opportunities i'm given in this life, the goodies i'm blessed with, etc., that sometimes i sit smiling to myself thinking of how blessed i actually am.

yet, i have to admit i am not always satisfied with all that i already have. more than often, i crave for more. and when i dont get it, i sulk and think how it sucks. and yes, i know how pathetic that sounds.

and times when i lose my balance, forget to see how blessed i already am, blinded by my greed for more, i do things that cause me to lose what i already have.

my bf, for instance.
in my head, i keep thinking, 'if there's ever a chance again, i swear i'm gonna make it right this time.
in my dreams, i see him coming back.
in my heart, i long for his love again.
yet i just dont have the courage to demand for a chance anymore. i guess i dont have the right. what if i lose my freaking mind and screw things up again? how more of this do i want him to take?

so you see, being blessed doesnt mean you wont have any kind of stress. i've a list of things i'm having a headache on:
1. i dont like the person i am. example,1) i cannot keep myself feeling satisfied all the time and i sometimes take things for granted. 2)whenever i talk impatiently to anyone(who matters to me), i cant forgive myself.
2. my tees, accessories and shoes sales not doin well and i'm pretty much stuck with unsellable stuff.
3. i havent been to my grandma's house though i promised her i would a few months back.
4. i want him back badly yet there's nothing much i can do.
5. money. i've terrible control of money.

a few others i cant think of now or i cant say it here.
i do admit, certain issues are self-created problems, and others are solveable with determination.

but like what david says most rightly: 'you're someone who's very sure of yourself and what you want but you need others' assurance and encouragements for you every now and then to carry on.'

i can say, i've been trying pretty much to have a better attitude at home. and i've been trying pretty hard to build trust, like, going back home at the time i promised..?
but just before i got any recognition for my efforts, i screw it all up by being found out bout smoking, by my rents.

and yes, smoking. it must bore everyone to the core now, that i say i'm quitting. but i really was determined to, when tk left. i was going slower and lesser and putting it off slowly. and just as i was on my last stick in the last pack which was in my bag for days, and that very night i was feeling very down and i needed this very unhealthy 'friend', i decided to light the stick and finish my last stick; i was found out.

and there, i destroyed another wonderful thing i've been slowly gaining. trust.

cassan, after giving up on urging me to quit smoking ages back, says i deserve it. i guess i do. and i guess a lot others think likewise too.