Purely Your Imagination

vera in context.

vera's johari

(ripped this somewhere which i think is really true!) ARIES WOMAN >> >>She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal >>frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things >>and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even >>real, so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. >>She >>think only good things so she prepares and always make arrangement for >>herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed. >> >>If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This >>seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face >>mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, >>slight tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing >>or mixture of character. >> >>Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She >>thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize >>everything from her childhood. When she faces with problems, she will >>handle them and solving them very well, and at the same time showing other >>people >>that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems in >>crisis better than many other Zodiac. Once she determine to do thing, >>nothing will stop her. >> >>Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another >>woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirty >>dancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek. >>She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold >>and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she >>choose you, she will need to be proud of you. >> >>"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is >>"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She >>plans her life, and socially life easily and very carefully. She is also >>very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance >>because she loves ambition and a good life. She need lots of love, but do >>not >>want and do not belief in an occasional or unconventional love. >> >>She is a proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come >>from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth >>anyway (certainly there are always exception). She always look cool even >>when she is not. She like to make people see her as "secure and confident" >>even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you >>can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time. >> >>You never have all her times, for she likes to work hard and also spent >>some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a >>"Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most >>likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is a romantic and >>artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her >>beautiful >>imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan. >> >>A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a high >>point, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will >>not show her ambition, but she will show that she satisfy with herself >>now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but sure. >> >>If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is >>stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person, >>but in fact she can stick you down like a super glue without you knowing >>it.

i want/i need.

air. love. food. air. air. air.

20th apr, thurs.
spent like 3hours preparing and cooking porridge for tk in the afternoon and waited around for his reply on when we can meet to pass him the food.
he finally got to joy's place at 10pm after his tuition and had my porridge i heated up for him. and as he was eating, he was reading some stuff online while i watched tv by myself.
he thanked me profuselywith lots of kisses for the porridge.
but do i really need to hear that?
i only wish he spends more time with me.
and when we were walking home, i brought up the subject of pushing your saturdays tuitions earlier so we have more time together. and i could barely even say the reasons for my request and u brushed it off with impatience.
and i was there crying right beside you. and you didnt even know.
and i didnt want you to know. really.
but now i do.

cos it's how it all happened in the past too. when i was finally driven to wits ends to your negligence towards me. and falling in love with you means falling in love with loneliness. and everything finally screwed up cos i fell vulnerable to outside attraction.
and you boiled it down to my fault.
that i didnt love you enough to be able to hold on.
that you didnt see any of your girl-friends who will be like that.
that i was so weak and loose that i easily get attracted to other guys.

but i remember a time when i have no care for whatever attention any other guys had for me when i was with you.
i have no care about the handsome guys my friends are 'sight-seeing' on the streets.
i have no care for any other guy except you.
i remember xinyu and soohui saying how loyal i was in love when i dont share their sentiments of the cute guys they spot.
and it lasted a pretty long while.
until i finally cave into the emptiness in me.
but you never forget that it was my fault. that it was me who decided to step out of our relationship.

and last night...
we ended the conversation with the decision of a timeout.
it's the only way out i decide.
you cant love me wholeheartedly cos you cant get over the fact that i went astray - though you said you now understand you play a part in my wrong, after i spent 2hours talking to you about it. you just cant forgive and forget. but i feel, you still havent really understand what i have said in the past 2hrs.
and now, you also find it hard to love me cos you said you suddenly see new person in me.
you said that i've changed.
no. i've not changed.
i learnt a lot of things these past years and grew more mature, yes. but i haven really change much.
but it's you. you were in a relationship with a girl you ~~didnt~~ dont have time to get to know really well.
and as long as you cant put our past behind us, like i choose to do so, and try it all out with you again, this relationship isnt gonna work.

i choose to put the past behind us. and give everything a try again. to start all afresh. even though i'm aware of the shit i'll have to go through with you from past experiences. i choose to be stronger this time, but as much as i do want to be, i'm but human.
why tk, why? why cant you do the same too having claim that you love me a lot?

i was exhausted but i cant sleep.
i know i wont be able to sleep even though my eyes are so sore they barely open a slit.
and i so watched season2 of Lost.
and soon it's 4am. i've to sleep for the sake of getting up tomorrow.
but in bed, i cant sleep.
i tossed and turned and ended up pushing all my pillows, blankets and bolsters onto the floor.
i used to like the cosiness. i've 5 pillows, 3 bolsters and 2 blankets on my single-sized bed. it feels somehow more...secure?
and then, when i pushed everything off my bed. i suddenly feel kinda better. the bed is so empty and i can stretch however i like it.
then i squirmed up into a tight ball. and started crying again.
who was i kidding. i built my own sleeping fortress of 'faked' security even though it gets pretty uncomfortable to sleep in. and when i destroy it all myself, i cant live without it...
and gradually, i grew so tired of crying, i fell asleep on the floor with the pillows and all.

got up this morning, 11am, and felt the same wave of sadness that's been descending on me the whole week which cause me to cry uncontrollably everytime it happens.
and yes, i cried again.
and i cried again when i got downstairs and stare blankly at the morning tv programmes.
cried again as i was bathing.
cried again when i was in the cinema.
cried again when i was on the train on the way to neyton's place.
cried again when i was smoking.
and till now, my eyes are so puffy i had to lie to my mom that i rubbed them too hard.

and i got tired of trying not to think of you.
tired of keeping myself busy and entertained.
tired of cheering myself up.
tired of getting cheered up by joy and neyton.
tired of watching comedies to brighten my day.
tired of forcing myself to laugh.
tired of smoking. (yes, i smoked quite abit today. sorry it's a promise i cant keep. there, another reason to consider if u still love this me.)
and really, tired of crying and crying like i'm in some taiwan soap opera.

how was your day vera?

you said you dont mind anything of me.
you said you love everything bout me. (except smoking, you later added)
you said all these when you wanted me back.
but you do mind a lot of stuff bout me.
and you're indeed skeptical bout loving everything bout me.

but how was your day vera?

i dont know. it feels like the end of the world.

Sunday, April 23, 2006 at 11:37 PM

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