late night silly thoughts that got mass sent out to ones i hope might care.
"let me tell you a little bout life without shawn...
i listen to the same old list of songs i burnt for him during valentines day, just so i can have the slightest feeling that maybe things were still the same, that he hadnt said we cannot be anything, and i can still hold on to the glimmer of hope.
i walked to his house with a box of Brands chicken essence for his upcoming exams, only to walk away upon reaching his gates.
i sit around typing out numerous smses for him but only hit the send button once, which i still do regret.
i take buses with friends but act as though i'm alone just so i can imagine i'm with him, but we dont talk-lonely.
i muster some courage to get to know other guys and then on the 2nd sentence, i start to drift away cos it's not him i'm seeing.
i dare not look at another guy in his eyes for fear that i might start visualising shawn in them.
i no longer live by my phones and how many times i smile when his msg comes in, i live by counting the number of days he's left and secretly counting to the day i hope he'll be back.
i call him having missed him too much, only to want to end the call as soon as he sounds he's moved on just fine.
i want him to be happy, yet i want him to be mine.
i want to forget him yet i still want him in my life.
i want to move on yet my mind cant go on a fast forward mde just so i can get myself over this quickly, and tell myself there isnt a him who entered halfway in my life.
it's hard to love him, but even harder to forget him.
this is like wanting to hold on to the shadow of him that's diminishing down the lighted hallway."

and yes, they do care...

all the way from aussieland,
cassandra:
'hello dear... this is my aussie no. ahead for me to msg u with this but reply to my sg-line-it's free for u to msg there! take care sweet, n we'll bitch n laugh at all those assholes when i'm back k! things will be alright girl.. -big big bear hug- love u =>'
xinyu:
'hi boobsie babe!! so glad to hear from you. but not so glad to know that you ain't doing so well. i'm alright la but could be better if i'm home! call ya soon!'

back in singapore:
eepei:
'btw i reach home le...ya...eventually we end up e same we r jus carrying a glimpse tat he will b ours...forgetting is veri cruelsometimes i jus chose rem e most beautiful memories as though they r a part of my life lik a happy tune tar play in my heart now n then..tat will made ufeels lots lots better...really..lik me,i really hope *** had e best in life wif his gf but stil there's a voice whispering 'IF he was mine' ha inlife somethings hav to b laugh away...:)'
(beautiful sotong gave me a hard time deciphering what she's trying to say with all her words sticking together. haha.)
justin(surprise!):
'it nvr is easy moving on, it will take some time before u completely get over it, but u eventually will. tho if u dnt think abt it n let it bother u so much, ull find it way easier to live thru'
eliza:
'vera,much as i love u as a friend,i stil must let u accept the fact.SHAWN IS GONE.the truth ALWAYS hurts my dear there's no point in lying to yourself cause u'll just be living a lie.yea i know u do love him alot even though u guys ve been tgt for only a short period of time.but my dear girl,there's no way we can help u if all u want to do is lie to yourself and keep believing he's stil ard u know..maybe u cant help it,but if that's the case,u have toforce yourself.'
sandra:
'we both have sentiments, but why make it miserable whe its already hurting too much. if being alone to imagine what its like with him helps ease the pain i can do nothing to stop you, but it vexes us all when we see with our own eyes, you crumbling away. i may look strong trying to walk on but you alsoknow i sent that very message that i regret, so much so that i want to turn my back on loving him. maybe they say if u truly love someone all u need is to see that they're happy and you'll be contended. i dont know how much of it is true, maybe all i can do is await by your side while u reside in the hole you've fallen in because i myself find it more comforting lying in there and hiding from reality, its easier that way. but when u feel strong enough tocarry on and climb out, i'll be there inching you out. take baby steps, nobody's asking fir a miracle. somethings cannot be forcefully forgotten.'

and plus a note that's written by joy, i'll add in another time... haha, lazy liao.


anyway, it's sandra's and eliza's msges that 'most woke me up'. i start to feel digusted with how i'm wallowing in self pity and sitting in this fugly hole messing and messing with the shit and not allowing myself to get up. so here i am, i told myself this afternoon when i got their msges, that i'm definitely gonna move on right now and stop myself from having silly thoughts out shawn anymore. =)
and to sandra and eliza, who brightened my day the most, and who kept my friday packed with cam-whoring and took care of my needs the whole day, i love love love you guys soOoo much!!

a little something for you guys. =)
as i sat here alone
with soft rock music blasting in my ears
the waves paddling softly on the sand at on point
then splashing madly the next
and the raindrops
making small sunken tits in the soft sand
raining down on me
then shining all bright again the next
just like how my mood has been the past few days
and i
smoking till each stick burns to an end
and then automatically reaching for the next
and then the next
and then smiling at these 2 crazy girls
and reaching for my cammie to take snapshots of how happy they are
so that if ever a day
they feel as lousy as i did
(cos we never will know what tomorrow might bring)
they can look back at this day
and smile
we've all been this happy before
yes.

'sigh. it's crazy how keep our days busy, how many good friends and company we've got by our side but none replaces the one thing we want the most. no matter how hard we laugh during the day. we still go home to e same old room we've spent so many hours on end thinkin bout that someone. and then it all boils down to this loneliness and emptiness from within. this desperate need 4 someone to depend on and to love be loved. this is shit.'

-and so what else can we do by contemplate. i've been rotting the whole day thinking, till there's nothing left to think of. just hang on i guess..

'anyw the craziest n stupidest thing is tt i'vea sudden urge 4 sex. lols. not on e horny side though. more of havin someone to share e intensity n passio. havin some who takes effort in satisfying. havin someone whom i can wake up to. havin someone whom i can sleep in his arms. haha.'

-guess what i had the same notion this afternoon, after watching tv. i miss the level of comfort u can find in someone. the worse is knowing that they are people that know us the most out there, every physical flaw, they've seen all there is to us. but now he's just a stranger.

'my sentiments exactly! ** **, are we gonna find a guy who rightfully deserves us??? haha.'

scroll down further for new pictures uploaded for previous entry...

as for today...

my 2nd look for the shoot. poised.

my first look. bimbotic.

spendin some alone time at middle road after the shoot and dinner. i like.

with each bus and train ride that has never felt so lonely even with the good company i'm blessed with,
imissyou.
with each shopping trip that is excused for retail therapy,
imissyou.
with each pigging out session that i indulge in to kill this sorrow,
imissyou.
with each lighted stick till the tip of the filter,
imissyou.
with each mouthful of the sweet-sour wine that warms this broken heart,
imissyou.
with each click-clack of my fingers that runs across the keyboard,
imissyou.
with each falling leave that i watch swirling to the ground,
imissyou.
with each frown from them and myself that i even think of you still,
imissyou.


it's undeniably true no matter how much i dont want to,
i miss you.
and please, let this be the last mention of you.

The Bottom Line
They may be a bit insensitive, but they're telling the truth. You must respect that.
In Detail
You don't usually ask for help from anyone -- and accepting it is tough for you, too. If you were to buckle and accept, you'd have to explain to yourself why you couldn't manage this alone, but realizing that, while you're the very soul of capability and responsibility, you're not omnipotent, will be good for you. After all, a dose of humility doesn't hurt every now and then. Your turn? Maybe.



this read can be true for 2 things.
1. my asking for help for drawing from sandra on sunday night when i was at my wits end of being terrified that i cant complete 7drawing assignments in a fucking night. i really dont like asking for help from people but i thought i really wouldnt be able to manage, so after much contemplation, i asked sandra to help on a particular painting.
but i was dissed off, though with good reasons and thus forgiveable, by sandra. haha.
2. breaking down, finally, on monday(19/02) night at david's class gathering. in front of them all, i fell on my knees and cried my heart out. i hate losing myself and the one strong outlook i proudly hold on to. but after going crazy and laughing so hard to keep myself occupied and my thoughts freed of him, and telling myself how happy i can still be without him, i broke down real hard.
and thankfully there are the people who will be there to assist me in picking myself up.

thank you sandra...
for the big tight hug, for holding me so firmly that i know i'll never be alone, for your hushes to soothe this 'baby' in me, and for your efforts in making me laugh through the tears.
thank you eepei...
for not being afraid of touching my mucus and tears soaked tissues and helping me to burn them all away, for your words of comfort and empathy, for wanting to be there for me, and, for just being there.
thank you eliza too...
for spiritually being there and the nice big hug after you've heard. =)
thank you david...
for your concern, for your food and wine, and for your kind words.
thank you wan...
for diverting full attention on your new found favourite.
thank you justin...
for spoiling everyone's mood.

haha.

anyway, pictures!!! =)

accustomising to my shitty mood and the sudden silly and selfish need to bum ONLY at suntec starbucks and our love for cam-whoring. moments as such should never be forgotten. hearts to sandra, justin and hafiz. =)

i llloveee sandra because.

and the ones right from woodbridge.

the night i went more than berserk.


and on today... had class trip to the same museum we went to last year, for a different topic though. i suddenly had a mad thought... maybe my next kinda guy will be someone who knows enough to bring me to the museum and tell me the stuff he knows and to be able to answer my individualised questions? but definitely still someone with a wry sense of humor please!









and please, please, please let this be the first and last time.


Last Time
by Shea Seger
Take some sense
And I’ll stumble home
It’s been awhile since I’ve been alone
I’ll break some bread
And I’ll pour some wine
The conversation will be all mine

But if I wake up with you
It will be the last time
And if I still adore you
It will be the last time
And if I stumble to you
It will be the last time

Bits and pieces of the night before
Candle wax lying on the floor
Scraps of paper you’re not meant to find
A broken clock still telling time

But if I wake up with you
It will be the last time
And if I still adore you
It will be the last time
And if I stumble to you
It will be the last time

There must be something I don’t recognize
There’s something here I don’t realize
A red sun on my windowpane
And next to me I see you again

But if I wake up with you
It will be the last time
And if I still adore you
It will be the last time
And if I stumble to you
It will be the last time

been feelin pretty good these 2 days ~ not that anything extremely nice has happened but i guess it's just this peaceful feeling i'm getting.. mayb cos nothing bad is happening? ha. or mayb cos the bad stuff in the last 2weeks has died down. been on a slackin, hols mood.. or possibly it's the good company i'm gettin - especially from my classmates.

wed was spent mostly at sandra's place filming for media arts. kinda like lazing around at her place, gives me this vacation mood and smoking outside her place gives this nice touchy edge, i dont know how to describe. peaceful yet erm...? *shrugs*
filming was hilarious. me acting as a nerdy, school klutz and running into raihan and spilling water at him and all.
then headed to ktv with eliza, sandra and raihan to do the night scenes as a ktv hostess.. flirty and poised. acting keeps people away from reality, being someone else completely different from the person we're and this person we so often wana be, for the moment is refreshing. you know, how we dont hafta watch how we're usually behaving, cos we tell ourselves, it's ok, we're acting.. it's ok, everything isnt real.

sometimes life can be an act too. how we laugh through our tears and tell ourselves everything is oh so fine cos we're enjoying ourselves for that moment. only to spill the tears behind closed doors when we retreat to the possilby true self.
often i ask myself what's being real and what's not. how do we act as ourselves and yet wonder if that's even us. or if we really have to drone on a certain feeling we may not wana feel at all.

anyw, after the shooting, sandra and i continued singing while raihan and eliza took their leave. we had quite a nice time, or at least i did. i enjoy sandra's company, possible cos she's someone louder than myself and being able to be the 'mellower' one sometimes, feels good. haha.

thurs was spent rushing kim's work, of which 60% i can honestly say, arent my own work. haha. so a grade of 66% was pretty ok for me. oh before i forget, i love slackin with eliza too. how we just plant our asses on the floor ourside sunshine plaza as though we're some street beggars yet eyed by the walk-ons like the art-farts. how we smoke out sticks dry and reaching for the next. how we dont hafta talk much but feel completely comfortable with each other...
and after class, eepei and i headed to PS. alternating our original plans to have the much looked-forward cheesecakes at ikea, we went on a food binging session and excused that for celebrating our own Valentines day since mine was a tad disappointing.
and yes, everyone, you have got to know eepei's bimboticity and spasticity!
"fuck lah, you're so blur lor. i'm gonna call you sotong from now."
she kept quiet for awhile, glaring at me. then breaking into a smile, she said,
"even if i'm a sotong, i shall be the most beautiful sotong you ever see."
"... ..."
and she has to go on...
"oh no, i should say, dont regret calling me a sotong ok! i'll be the most beautiful sotong in the world and you wont ever beat me!"


can someone please remind her how slimy, disgusting and smelly sotong are??? and they are fugly!!!! if you cant remember how a sotong in the market look like, think of the sea witch in little mermaid, it's just as bad.




on painting today, i'm starting to enjoy fine arts.
painting is like a relationship. you take risks, and you hafta be patient. you need skills and you play your emotions. you think it's just a trail, and it turned out beautiful. you decide to go for the actual one, it may not turn out as well. we pursue the best, yet when disappointed by the results and the things said and commented, you start to lose faith. yet, when you sense a sudden passion in it, you dont wish to give up so easily. you want to keep trying and trying till your energy runs dry. or hopefully till you're satisfied.
and the common goal, to have the superficial beauty we all have an image in our mind.
but does this beauty even exist?
or is it always, just in our mind?




on the girls i've been hanging out with...
sandra, i really understand the shit you're going through now though our situation may not be entirely the same. i too went through the phrase of wanting to believe that i can forget someone, whom i've loved so much and gotten used to be there for a year plus. sometimes, time may never heal, but trust me, love will heal all things. immense yourself in new a new love, be in materially or non-materially.
i love how you speak up for your friends to david and how we can always count on you when we need help in schoolwork. i love how dependable a friend you're and how you offer a listening ear at appropriate times-though it seems a tad difficult for someone who likes to talk so much. hehe.

eliza, i've found a new friend in you. i love how comfortable i feel just hanging out with you. i love how we have similar sentiments on various aspect and how you remind me of myself when i went through my own stage of growin out of teenhood. (not sayin that i'm that old, but ya, you get what i mean hor? haha.) i love how you'll stick up to your friends, and how loyal a friend you're. i love how you dont mind walking a mile just to accompany a friend in need-not that youve done anything like that, but the smallest things you do now, can tell that you'll.
and eliza, we're both in the same rocky boat. i wish you all the best in the guy you're...interested in? haha. well, tell yourself you'll walk away and move on, but do keep an open, yet close-guarded heart. i know very well you know what i mean and that you'll do just fine. =) whatever it's, however both our situations turn out to be like, always know, i'll always be there.

eepei, i love how you'll always keep a thought for me. how you look out for me and worry for me. i love how sweet a friend you're to everyone you know. i've never known anyone as thoughtful as you, how you'll always think of others before you. i love too, your bimboticity and spasticity! haha.
but please lessen your nags! i dowana feel like i'm out with my mom each time i'm with you. lols. eepei, dont forget every 16th feb of each year, we'll celebrate our own valentines hor!!!

and yes, happy belated valentines to all. attached or not, i hope u realise all kinds of love you can envelope yourself in on valentines day.

you dont know how much... -i'm willing to do for you. -i'll miss you when you're finally gone. -i want you to stay. -you've brighten and also, sadden my days at the same time. -i look forward to seeing you each time. -i've fallen for you. for you...

as of the other night. i was nearly driven to tears by the hot and cold.
tonight. the coldness hardens a certain part in me. enough on tears. enough of these.



come valentines, i shall either walk in or walk out.
no more hanging around, i'm not a monkey.

today has been so not ok.
sending cassan off was a little straining on the emotional toil.
it was like, wanting to be happy for her, yet wanting to cry that she's leaving.
journey to school has never felt this empty and lonely.
(and it's not because gramps isnt fetching.)

then...
the phone i'm no longer interested to check every 5mintues...
this is probably karma. ha.



do you know how much i cant bear you to go?
yet i know, i've to let go when i have to.

somewhere in the middle of the night i awoke with a jolt.
and deep within, i felt this sudden pang of sadness.
unrecognizable sadness.
is it because cassan is flying off in about 3 hours' time?
or is it because of what happened between shawn and i that's finally setting a mark?
i'm thinking it's the latter.
though i really dont want to admit this for fear of recognising something even deeper.
but yes, it must be the latter.
as of right now, i'm missing him already...

last night was a nightmare relived from the old sec sch days.
brought classmates over to my place for filming and wore a short shorts so that it'd be easy to change in and out of my uniform which was my 'costume' for the filming.
and dad has to come up and see me in my micro shorts and blow this top.
chased my classmates out and yelled at me.
got to sandra's place to do the shooting instead.
thank goodness for shawn's rushing down for some comforting.
but then again, filming was pretty fun, made me laugh quite a bit before shawn came.
bummed a little at hg mall with shawn before leaving for home at 10pm.
and dad started calling.
'where are you.'
'walkin in lor..'
-slam phone-

5mins later..
'where are you.'
'right outside house gate?'
-slam phone-

he opened door for me and as soon as i got in, he pushed me to one side and started locking everything up.
then he yelled at me,
'tell me one good reason why you're wearing such short shorts in front of those guys!'
-silence-
'you'd better tell me why or i'll hit you.'
'but there's no why...?'
slap slap slap.
'dont say it's nothing.
dont think you're in design school so you can do whatever you want.
if you dont know how to love yourself, then quit your school now.
dont disgrace yourself.'
slap slap.
'dont think i relax on you means you can do anything you want.
you're so useless.
so old already still dont know how to think.
imature and brainless.
staying back, changing course and going to design school.
and now flashing your flesh in front of your friends.
do you know what's shame?!'
-slap-
-switched off all lights and headed upstairs, leaving me in the dark.-

my hair was all over my face and you didnt see how my nose was bleeding from your slaps.
yes, neither were you able to see how a fool you've made of yourself.
the only person that was put to shame, was yourself. a 40+ years old man who knows nuts about anger management and flare in front of your daughter's friends, then, got ignored and shrugged off by your wife and your younger sister.
and disgrace. dont talk about disgrace cos only in your perspect, is wearing a short shorts disgraceful. only in your perspect that you see the extra mount of thigh flesh the least bit arousing, for all others have enough of boobsies-tits online and nice asses to boot that no one gives a fuck for my flesh, except you. why are you even looking at your daughter's thighs in the first place?
and just because you dont get any support of your stand by your wife and your younger sister, that doesnt mean that you can trash it out all on me.
and this display of low anger management and then trashing your anger on me without analysing, shows how 'very mature' you are.

initially, i was feeling terrible as i was on my way to sandra's. i was thinking that it's all my fault i didnt think properly before wearing the shorts. i even thought of apologising to you even when you yelled at me in front of my friends and called them unhuman-like, infront of them.
but your posing such a question to me when i got home dissolves all means from my side to ever be nice to you again. 'give you a reason' you say. so fucking what if i give you a reason? would you even take it even if it's reasonable? even if it makes sense? no. you wouldnt. everyone knows you too well. you just needed to hit me that's all. you just needed to yell at me. you just needed to flare your anger so that you show who is still the 'biggest' in the family.
well, so what if you do show that you've got the power? you lose all respect. all.

sometimes i just feel like running away from this very life i'm leading to somewhere no one knows me so i can start everything afresh and not be reminded of my past.
running away from reality everyone says.
well, why not? when reality seems a tad too cruel.

cassan and xinyu are flying off this weekend and i barely have enough time to spend with time with the amount of schoolwork i have.
plus shawn and my 'relationship' aint the best thing either.
yes, i think the girls are right. well drag on with this shithole when i've got scores of admirers? why not just release myself from this pain when i've got the choice. after all, he cant even tell me if he's still thinking of his ex or not or if he loves me. why share a guy, am i even that magnanimous? i dont think so.
but then... how easy is it do put my words to action... especially with valentine's around the corner? (yes, sadly, i'm one of those who took the highly-commercialised meaning of what valentine's day is about.)


with all these going on, of cos, i cant help but feel a tad too shitty than i would have allowed myself.

suppose to be doing art history research in national library now. end up doing a series of quizzes i came across in cassan's blog. thhink this would be the most bizarre one. lols.

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

last night was a blast.
2 factors:
1. sandra's got the most happening parents and home part i know.
2. shawn.

sandra,
i kinda feel that i understand what you're going through. what with finally being able to stop hanging on to a 'thorny' relationship, and yet, not being able to let go. trust me, last night isnt the worst night, in the next few weeks or so, you'll have more to come. i had my nights of 'feel like shit cos i cant forget', for months and months. so if yours come, you know who you can turn to. though i might not be the first person you might feel comfortable crying to. =)
and i guess without my saying this, you'd already know it's all for the better. as friends, we can be there for you by listening out, offering a shoulder or a hug, or just by hanging around with you. but the only person who can truly make yourself survive this, is yourself.
perhaps by starting to embrace and enjoy singlehood, stop reminiscing the past and have fun knowing and playing along with the options that are laid before you, may sound a tad hard-hearted. but if it's gonna make you happier and let you step out of this shitty aftermath of a breakup, you know your friends will be more than happy to cheer you on! =)
so be strong and love yourself like no one else will. it's only then, that the love you've always waited for, seeks you. so that even if it takes a long while, it's all worth it.

meanwhile, friends like me, will love you, always.


and about shawn, i was just very happy he agreed to go to sandra's birthday on the mere idea of gambling the night away.
but his actions to me and to my friends last night when he was there, really really made my day. =) so so happy that i didnt wana believe it really happened. am afraid to believe, i would say. at some point nearing the dawning of the day, i hoped real hard(as i sat gambling away) that time will stop. i didnt want to see the start of another day. i didnt want this night to end. i was so afraid that when morning comes, everything will be back to normal again. for i dont know, i really dont know what exactly was going on between us.
well, i still dont know, now. but at least i'm glad i dont see it fading away. he's even promised to make time for me despite his busy school schedule.
i guess in a way, whatever happens from here, i'm just gonna be happy that there's ever this night. that at least, it did happen. no matter how short-lived. =)


anyw, on sandra's parents, they're way cool beyond words man. damn happening bunch. never seen a mom getting the daughter to down 3full cups of beer on her birthday, claiming that it's house rule. now i do really believe sandra does go drinking with her mom and her mom's friends. lols.

stealing glances.
awake.
awake.
awake.
a smile. then a frown.
the finger tracing the chin.
how do one make sure a particular moment will be etched deeply into memory without the slightest reminder of this bittersweet feelings felt?
or do one really want to remember?
the creasing of the forehead with each thinking frown.
or the slant of the nose from a previous blow.
or how the mouth twists habitually to the side when talking.
yes of cos, one do want to remember.
how the arm slung protectively onto her shoulders,
how the hand was casually placed on the small of her back,
how the head rested itself on the curve of her neck,
how he does stare at her sometimes,
how the thumb wiped the dripping egg off her chin,
how the fingers do trace hers as well,
how the hand never leave her as he slept on,
and the hugs and little kisses...
not forgetting the hordes of girl pals(who probably are treated the same), the selective words used, the unavailable heart, the frequent clubbing, the previous week of patch-up, the affection only behind closed doors.
do one really need to fall into a shithole as such?
but is there even a choice at all?




"do not let the common notion of love's fairytales infuse your young heart, what'll be ours will fall in place one day." says sandra.


and yes, she'll wait.
of cos she will, for love does not need a paycheck.
or if there is, the biggest bonus will be that he's happy.
and so, she will be.