Purely Your Imagination

vera in context.

vera's johari

(ripped this somewhere which i think is really true!) ARIES WOMAN >> >>She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal >>frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things >>and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even >>real, so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. >>She >>think only good things so she prepares and always make arrangement for >>herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed. >> >>If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This >>seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face >>mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, >>slight tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing >>or mixture of character. >> >>Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She >>thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize >>everything from her childhood. When she faces with problems, she will >>handle them and solving them very well, and at the same time showing other >>people >>that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems in >>crisis better than many other Zodiac. Once she determine to do thing, >>nothing will stop her. >> >>Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another >>woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirty >>dancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek. >>She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold >>and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she >>choose you, she will need to be proud of you. >> >>"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is >>"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She >>plans her life, and socially life easily and very carefully. She is also >>very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance >>because she loves ambition and a good life. She need lots of love, but do >>not >>want and do not belief in an occasional or unconventional love. >> >>She is a proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come >>from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth >>anyway (certainly there are always exception). She always look cool even >>when she is not. She like to make people see her as "secure and confident" >>even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you >>can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time. >> >>You never have all her times, for she likes to work hard and also spent >>some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a >>"Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most >>likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is a romantic and >>artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her >>beautiful >>imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan. >> >>A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a high >>point, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will >>not show her ambition, but she will show that she satisfy with herself >>now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but sure. >> >>If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is >>stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person, >>but in fact she can stick you down like a super glue without you knowing >>it.

i want/i need.

air. love. food. air. air. air.

almost start tonight's entry with the predictable lines when one got out of love:
my life whirled to a stop and suddenly everything before me lies meaningless and i'm standing here out of place and lost.
well, almost.
just like i almost got out of the relationship-again.
18 years of my life, dealing with a temperamental mother; who will suddenly scream at me just after caringly (and sweetly) tell me that there's food in the kitchen; one might think that i've grown and learnt to deal with relationships better.
no, i still cant.
not even when i see with my own eyes, how my dad always manage to damage the relationship each time i carefully build with him; cos he cant express his love through a better way and cut down the authoritarian methods he uses in his family.
and, not even losing friendships after friendships.
no.
i used to think that maybe it's not my fault.. everything happened the way it did cos i'm unfortunate to always meet people with this or that 'error'.
tonight struck a weird note on me, i want to truly sit down and analyse whatever that had happened between him and me just now. i really want to know what i had done wrong, if it's really someone else or it's just me all along.
but even so, i cant help coming up with reasons of why i had behaved this or that way.
i mean, i cant exactly just take all the blame when i do know that there's a reason behind something i did wrong right?
or maybe i should?
i'm confused.
and something reminds me of what i said in my profile in my friendster:
i'm someone whose tempermental self n egoistical pride often get in the way; thus ruinin relationships.
i mean, having that said doesnt make it justified that i can behave in this or that manner-of course. but it's ironic how sudden the words i had used to actually described myself, dawn a new meaning on me.
there must be something about myself that i have to change.
but now, i still cant pinpoint my own shortcoming.

well anyway, back to almost losing the most treasured relationship in my life now.
he suggested a break up cos he was furious with me. in my opinion, the matter started because being my own blur self, i didnt think of informing him what should have been important for him to know. and thus caused some trouble. and when i asked him to call to tell me what exactly had happened, he lost his temper after explaining.
i'm really someone who lives without a brain once i'm upset. and truly, i'm upset with him scolding me over the phone. i'm upset each time he starts scolding me of cos, and being me, i just want to shut everything out cos at that point of time, i thought since i'm working i cant deal with whatever he's putting me through. i ended the conversation with a rubbish solution that i had blurted out of anger and would have slammed the phone had i not been using a handphone.
and there, he suggested a break up.
i'm geniunely heart-broken i couldnt help but cried openly at the open space of the pushcart i was tending. it was embarrassing but at that point of time, i could think of nothing but to cry. silly as it may sound. i just thought that all of a sudden, there's no meaning to go on working anymore. no point to carry on sitting at the lousy pushcart and trying to stay awake and serve every bloody customer even when i'm so totally not in the mood to even smile. but all that for the one golden night of memorable happiness i wanted to give, i didnt mind. it's silly of course, i speak of these now, especially in such a situation, i might seem as though i'm bragging of the sacrifices i'm willing to do for love.
if that's what you think, all i can say is that i'm honestly not bragging or purposely putting this in so that people might think that i'm this perfect girlfriend willing to do anything or whatsoever crap. i'm just trying to emphasize on how i felt then.
oh but what the heck am i doing explaining myself silly.
fuck it.
and fuck my thought of wanting to run across the busy road and let the cars have me.

Monday, February 21, 2005 at 10:51 PM

Y Y Y