.:my mood:.

bottled-up tears on bus-thnks to putri n di.. really sweet friends to have...
tears of joy n relief from a msg


really thnks V, for letting me know all that..

as for tk.. he's the only one who can fully understand me, my joy, everything..

tk is feeling stressed. he thinks he's really too busy for me and is afraid to disappoint me all the time. as in, cos whenever we cant meet up as planned, i do feel inevitably disappointed-for awhile.. from my initial point of view though, i thought it's ok, just let me be that way for awhile and then i'll be alright after that. but then, i realised what tk said is true: he fears that i might feel disappointed so many a times that to some point i may just give up. i guess he's torn, he's really busy, yet he has to find time to spend with me.
we were on the phone just now and he confessed that he's so torn to a point that he contemplated if a break up will be more fair for me. i cant help crying. i thought i have been really understanding all these while but i'm wrong. it really upsets me that he feels so stressed by having to find time to meet me to the extent that he thinks a break up might be good for me..
i really dont want any break up, especially not base on the reason that he doesnt have enough time for us. cos it just makes me all the more helpless than i already am. i'd rather sacrifice and not meet him so often than to lose him on the whole.
stuff between us is really difficult especially since we come from 2 different worlds. i'd really like to help him financially yet he has his pride and principles to uphold. it just leaves me helpless. sometimes i just wana pray hard that he might get lucky and strike some wonderful lottery and everything will be so much easier. then again, perhaps if things had been that easy, we wouldn't have appreciate each other this much from all that we've been through.

so now i pray, please keep us strong and let us hold. grant us eternity, if you can.

today i'm feeling...

-god, i was really lame.. hope she get her smiles today though.

-just when i thought everything's going great between tk n i... still, we just love each other so much.

-what will my rating be?!! (o_O)

-doing all those quizilla stuff. dumb..

-i need some good rest man.

-can i please feel every of the mood available in unkymoods?!! the icons are soOo cute!!


p.s. this unkymoods thingy idea is from di! cool right? di, i know how to put em up liao, i'll show ya how tmr yup!

You're A Bishoujo (Attractive Young Woman)!You are loved by all, and you know it. You love
the attention you get, because or your sense of
style, and perfect face. Congrats.

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are burning

What Self-Mutilation Are You?

of me of you of us.
has been have been had been.
of love and of hate.
i wished i believed i hope.
of bittersweetness and of sweetbitterness.
i miss you. still do.
 
 
oh yes, di, thanks for making poly life un-lonely. =) need help with your bloggie, jus leme know!

Today's planetary energies

Today is a fantastic day for you, YIWEN. You will find that the fog that has been clouding up your head over the past couple days has finally cleared and that you are ready to proceed with action. Communication plays a big part in the way in which you proceed today. You will find that things are apt to move quite quickly and that if you aren't paying attention to the action around you, you are likely to get left behind.

for those nights i had dreams of you coming
back
for those regrets buried in
myself
for these weird feelings i dont understand
either
for your one very msg
Y
i rejoice.

and no, i'm not a les. and hopefully, not a fool.

anyway, yays... =D

in case you think i'm licking your boots, pls dont think too highly of yourself.
in case you think i cant live without you, no i really dont need you.
in case you think i'm feeling all sorrowful for myself, sorry to disappoint but i've got my life back.
in case you think i really really like you, you should look in a mirror.
in case you think i really love to help you so much that you can call up at 11pm and ask me to get whatsoever done by tonight, you seriously need to be more thoughtful. 
in case you think i'm writing a peom, no it's not.
in case you think i've forgiven, no i just cant be bothered.
in case you think i've forgotten you, no i've not-all these while.
in case you think i think you're really cool, how long can my impression of you stay that way?
in case you think i feel you're really mean, no, i think it's plain childish revenge.
in case you think i dont mind you borrowing me off, yeah, but please return.
in case you think i really like to eat your diy stuff, dont take politeness as greed.
in case you think i'm mentioning you, think twice, you may not worth my effort.
in case you think i'm putting on an attitude here,
nah, i'm just trying to be funny.

and i think all these stupid colours will spoil my blog.

darling diana, i hope this helps..
i once went through a break off with this guy whom i-thought-i really loved too. when he broke off with me, i wasnt even able to think of what a complete jerk he was. i kept thinking about all the great times we had and how sudden the break off was and i do not understand why he had to do that to me-i still dont exactly understand. for months i cried to sleep whenever i think of him on lonely nights, good friends have seen me start tearing in the mid of laughters. (you're really not alone.) coincidentally, i couldn't forget his smell either which is ironically, only the smell of his stupid hairgel. i vaguely remember the times when i smelt that familiar smell of his again n thought that he's coming back but each time turned out that it was merely some old man or guy using the same hairgel that passed by. i wanted to get out of that crap, who wouldn't want to?
but i found myself sinking deeper and deeper each time. everyone had different advices for me. "time heals all wounds" was the only one which stuck by me. not that i agree with that line but cos i completely disagree. time does not and can never ever heal all wounds. time only make the feeling of lost become a misty part of ourselves, we may be able to tuck it away somewhere but it never fails to destroy our day by popping out for a visit. it only becomes less prominent in our lives.
what i believe in is that love heals all wounds. i found new love and i realised i couldnt be happier now that i'm with tk. and at some point i couldnt help laughing at myself for thinking that that guy is my true love. i also learn that to truly love someone, you do not only remember how he smells. you also remember how he feels, tastes, smiles, eats, sleeps, cries, giggers(yes tk giggers), fart, gets pissed and much much more. i'm not encouraging that you go about seeking new love cos it's not gonna really help lest it comes naturally.
di, you spent 2yrs with shannon and now he couldnt even tell you right out that he wants to break off.. an end is just an end. and a jerk of a boyfriend is what you have got(i mean look at how he had always been treating you?) and am i glad you are at least able to tell yourself that he's a jerk. jerk are not for keeps my dear.. i know how difficult it's for you and that it's going to take time, but when you do get yourself out of this, you'll see that it just takes(put your thumb and your index finger to about an inch apart) that much of an effort to step put of it. you've friends who will be there for you..


like me... =)

p.s. i'm blogging all these here cos it's also something which i went through that i didnt get about putting it down. never felt the need/urge to til now i guess.. this whole chunk is for me as much as for anyone who is still lost in love.

"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as thewater that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter. "~ James Fenimore Cooper

this is not the message. to cut things short, scroll to the end of my entry right below this.

oOoh.. i'm really soOo so addicted to happytreefriends!! cute and gruesome.. haha, sadist right?? nah, you guys should check it out for yourself: happytreefriends.com. it's really entertaining. (right tk?) =p oh to give credits, wm was the one who introduced me to it.

neways, i've finally got my tattoo. was really an experience man(especially the painful part). viv inisisted that i should find a meaning to the tattoo itself, so here's it. firstly, it probably brought me the reality of the people around me(about a hundred other times i've said this)-friends who are always there, friends who are only for laughs, friends who doesnt give a damn(well, that probably doesnt count as a friend then! neways..), friends whom i'm missing/i've lost....etc.. i know i can go on and on to talk about some friends but cos this blog isn't only for my eyes, i shall not go on and offend anyone unintentionally....


*ok i'll try...*


*trying......*


*duh!*
okok, there's something i really really cant stand and i really wana blog it out. 2 friends(ya, they're considerably great friends if they want to be) promised to accompany me for my first tattoo. both of their lesson ends at 3 on thurs and mine at 5, so friend no.1 said she'll go to her workplace to collect something first and meet me later in town. friend no.2 followed her. so assumably, they've promised to accompany me, they'll get their stuff done and be ready to meet me at 5plus when i finish my lesson. but guess what, at 5.30 i called them and they're singing happily at ktv. oh yeah yeah~! and they say they can only meet me after 7, when they finish their ktv session. i'm not saying that i'm soOo so important that they have to end their ktv session just cos miss princess here needs to get a tattoo done NOW. i'm also not saying that they cannot do their own stuff or whatever. but the fact that they told me they'll be accompanying me somewhere comes with certain responsibilities doesnt it? i'm not saying that just because they say they are accompanying poor dear me somewhere, they cant change their plans. i suppose they could've sms me to let me know beforehand so i can make my arrangements too.. perhaps it didnt occur to them that i have other friends to accompany, then i have to make this clear: as much as i've always been complaining that i'm a loner, i've no friends or whatsoever, lonely-poor-pathetic-always-feeling-sprry-for-myself-once-too-often-me do have FRIENDS. and they'd gladly accompany me if i ask. and if they, in the very first place, aren't keen in accompanying me, it's perfectly alright-just leme know! as simple as that.
oh wells, so wondering why stupid me asked them in the first place? okay, cos friend no.1 says, "hey if you're going, ask me along la! i wana see!!" of course i'm not saying here that she's kpo la. i mean, truthfully, i'd really appreciate the fact the she's interested in me(you know, not that kind of interest la..). as for friend no.2, what can i say bout him? he's one person whom i really am interested of his opinions and thoughts and he's the one person who can give sound advice to me. i really needed to hear his opinions of the tattoo design, but whatever now.
hey but anyway, i dont mean any offense here and am not picking a quarrel. however if you think i totally disgust you or anything like that, go on and bitch bout it. i'm perfectly alright with it. i just want these 2 people to know that as much as i think they are 2 cool dudes who makes really great company to be with, they can be a little too self-centered and irresponsible at times. maybe it's just with me, i dont know-cant say i dont care though.

okies, on a lighter note, this tattoo really marks something for me(well, it has to, one way or another). however i seriously do not think that it's worth paying 80bucks for that shit that i went through. it's really horrendous, i didnt even dare to sneak a peek at the scary "thing" the tattoo guy used on me. the pain, it felt like there was about tens and tens of needles(even thought there's only one) drilling into my bones. and am i glad viv was so nice to rush to town to accompany me through it. she's really great about it. =D thanks babe! too bad my initial plan to video it down with my hp went down the drain cos my hp died on me. stupid batt and whoever created it. why must it go low batt at such critical times?! i didnt get to see how exactly it was like when the needle poke into my skin. sigh...

hmm.. cant say i'm completely satisfied about the tattoo though(on top of that, i've come to realisation that the tattoo is more of a lifestyle choice than anything). like till now, i've thought of about a millions ways to modify it. from adding a little butterfly to the side of one of the-called by viv as "stones", to dipping myself in water to totally be rid of it. okay, so it seems i'm kinda regretting the tattoo altogether. possibly cos till now i've not heard a word of "wow, that's very cool" like i anticipated and, i daresay, i havent got to hear any opinion from friend no.2. oh well, you gotta live with it girl. yes, and you'll. tk seemed rather impressed by my courage though! *sniggers* he is SoOoo bothered about the pain!!

oh yes, PSF-poly stage factor is really fun. really glad that diana pulled me into that cca and got me started. tues night was spent with the whole of PSF members, and it was full of laughter. the coolest that happened that night was the machine box that they thought of. it goes like this: each person has to think of an action and a sound and go up to that empty stage to act it. (poor diana didnt know that we have to repeat that act for like a million times until every member in PSF fills up the space with their own action and sound. so she happily went up first with her vacuum cleaner idea-twisting her whole body on the floor and making "rmmrmm" sounds. well, everyone was thankful that she cleaned that spot of that dirty PSF room! *laugh*) funniest act was when shamfu lied in between a girl's legs and did the horny action+sound. what did i do? i tried to do a "force the shit outta my ass" action but everyone happily thought i was imitating marilyn monroe. and when i told them i've tried to shit a million times that day, someone commented, "oh, what a sexy way to shit." duh. did i forget to mention PSF is full of horny guys who never fails to whoop of zillions of sex-related scripts. *appluads* really corny and crappy.

 

i may be the last person you wanna see.
but i may be the first person that comes to your mind at times.
good or bad,
it probably no longer matter.
what matters is that i really want to be there for you.
and do call me if you ever need.
or perhaps,
you just need me to know that you're not feeling your very best,
then do just continue to send me whatever messages you want to.
i sure hope it helps. :)
we may have gone too far down the detour
but regrets has never been my gd point.
and i'm still hoping the detour will just be a long long one
and in the very end,
we'll still be running
hands in hands.

siala... just look at that!! soOo so motivated to get my tattoo liao!! lolx. really, i wana do that upper spinal tattoo like asap man! lack of guts though.. sigh.. okay okay, will go next friday! *promise man*

oh yeah, had lotsa fun today with di. went to sentosa and got ourselves a fabulous tan each.. oh, before that we took bikinis neoprints!! haha.. so awesome! show ya guys tmr yup! then after that i skipped jap class(really shouldn't have done that man.. no more u hear, ong yiwen?!!) hee. yeah, we caught spiderman2 n ate lots n lots.. complete gluttons sia.
alright, gotta go.. belinda seet's assignment not as easy as it seems to be man. gonna improvise on it now... =(

adults can so not be trusted!! cant believe my aunt gave me away bout the camp trip. fuck and i thought i could trust her! so great, no point to use camp as an excuse anymore.. thought my parents didn't grill me bout that and act as if they dont know i lied, i know they're probably waiting to catch me the next time. fuck fuck fuck.

my IT teacher is soOo cute.. haha.. oh, forgot to mention i'm now in school, having IT lesson.

this morning was childcare centre attachment. damn funny crap. kids digging their noses, comparing their "gold" and giggling their heads off. dirty-minded k2 boy asking for permission to "suck na na". oh dear oh dear.. i dont want to be a childcare teacher!!

i got to be in charge of a group of 5 for starters and i got them started on a little competition...

pretty good, arent they?

the boys are winning...

i got the boys to help the girls!!

the loveliest of the lot! =)
the class i got to sit-in in...

this is one really restless boy..

"oh pls dont tell teacher i jus did that...."

emotions welling up
not sure if it's me
possibly no one knows
so close
yet so far
i wish we hadn't gone
the detour too far down

i was a model yesterday! haha, make-believe.. diana's friend works as a hairstylist at Next at Holland Village-Ooh.. really love the place man, havent been there for a long time! ya, anyway, he needed a model for his blow...(haha, i nearly said blowjob!!). nah, he needed to temporary "perm" my hair. went with jurianna, another new classmate.. see our pictures!


me and rollers.. eek!!


the end product.. haha.. i look like i'm 60 yrs old!!


ju's hair.. pretty and luscious rght!?


ju! hehe.. i think she looks like drag queen.. diana thinks she looks like she's in the 70s..

got this from my boring IT class..

RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparent had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

isn't rule 11 interesting?!! okay, i better start being nice to them.. haha, i'm soOo mean! difficult task!!

IT lessons are boring and i'm hooked on minesweeper!!

see di?? my hp resolution not bad la!!

i just nearly bawled my eyes out just now. something between tk and i again.. wondering why this consistent on-coming problems between us. it has been for consecutively everyday we meet, since last wed. i'm really, really upset about it. tired too, i guess. i suggested a break-up just now, which i really didnt want but dont know exactly why i did that. how can 2 persons who love each other so much have so much conflicts all the time? he wants to meet up tomorrow during lunch to talk about our problem, but you know how i'm.. i really cant talk much face-to-face, i mean, i really cant convey anything!!! sigh.. and my eyes are swollen now.

oh, my course isn't ALL mutants, i forgot to add! really, i meant to say that the previous entry but it slipped my mind!! had "lunchner"(whatever that is! =p) with diana today and she's pretty nice and she's not at all mutanic! and she loves pink like hell, oh my, me too! but yeah, not as much as her la, i love alot of other colours as well. hmm.. then there's asyura, the tall girl with the face(which she claims is big!) and permed hair. oh and, putree too. they're pretty cool, like the only 3 girls i startedout pretty well with.

ok, so i didnt log on to blog about this! start of school sure marks a new chapter(or something like that) in life. i'm seeing nothing of my secondary good friends who went into jc *sob sob* and... oh, study skills really sucks! it's a complete waste of my time, whoever suggested that module should be publicly ridiculed! how to scan-read, manage your time, set priorities, blah blah blah~~ eh, where was i.. oh yeah, i really miss those friends and the couple ones i made at work. then again, they may well be acquaintances? i dont know. they dont really care either, anyway.

have been a long long time since i last blogged. the 7-months long holiday has past and so has the eager anticiption for school to start, to make new friends, to start studying real hard. but school start out to be kind of a let down. the course doesn seem like what i've expected it to be, what with learning the childish chicky dance, helping the baby to find the nipple, playing stupid "simon says"(and the lecturer daresay, "i guarantee it'd be fun, if not money back order!" then her silly sniggers) in class! sigh.. and the course is full of mutants! well, or should i say, the school is full of mutants since first day's main talking topic with my friends was "eh, my course got this and that mutant! eeYuk!!" oh and wm was like, "wow. so many lovely mutants. so interesting. nerd, lian, beng, act jap and drug addicts. i'm still alone. god help me."

you still dont know what a mutant is?!! well, here's a rough guide.
like what wm said: lians, bengs, nerds, act jap and drug addicts all fall in this category. on top of that, there's also the super low class, despos, mutated looks(the name says it all), weirdos, etc..

i wouldn't say i'm a 100% non-mutant, especially since having been in contact with them, i feel like i've been mutanified. then again, i've always been kind of a bimbo(i must have left the other half of my brain somewhere) and a bitch too, thankfully these do not fall in the mutan category.

(hmm. i'm really bored, like you guys cant tell..)

oh, maybe i should talk abit about my relationship recently. it's going pretty great, even though we've just had 2 rows in the last 3 days.

row no.1: fro my point of view, tk has to really try to control his temper. but he seems to be rather firm that he has every reason to lose his temper that day. i just feel that he could have explained stuff nicely instead of walking off in a huff while wm n i werent even sure what had irritated him. but we made up the next day, admitting that we were both in the wrong(haha, especially since i was so pissed that night that i scolded him 'fuck off').

row no.2: this happened a day after we made up. i was happily anticipating to catch a movie with him yesterday. but right after i met him in town, he started telling me off for being such a spendthrift. yeah, of cos i know being a spendthrift is not right but it's not like i can really, like really, help it. i mean, each time i go shopping, the money is there and the particular piece of, say shoes was shouting, "buy me! buy me!" i should think emma in the book 'shopaholic' will definitely understand how i feel! okay, taht's not really the point, he went on about me wasting my money on treating people this and that. duh, in my dictionary, that's called buying company and pleasure, doesnt he understand me enough? ok, that sounds damn pathetic, but you see, i'm really quite a loser and a loner, or somewhere in between there. alright, i dont want to go into that cos it's really not anyone's business and dont your face crease with pity, i dont need it. yeah, so he has a point there too, so i'm not bothered about that. what i was angry about was that he always find the wrong time to tell me off! like, cant he see we could have been spending a nice time watching movie and not losing my face being scolded by my boyfriend in public(orchard rd!). but he did have a point, relationships are not always about laughing and smiling and squabbles like these make it all the more better. and yeah, we did have a great time after we made up and went for the movie.

oh, speaking of which, it's my very first RA movie and i'm not even of legal age yet! alright, so i'm 18 but what the heck, everyone thinks that i'm 20+! but thankfully they all went, "but no, your looks dont look old. it's just the way you carry yourself.. blah blah blah.." and i've also found an advantage to looking old. *sniggers* but the movie was quite a let down in the sense that the porn parts are really very limited. it scores itself some brownie points for its funny parts though. like, the movie seems like those indie shows, cos throughout the show there's songs and dances! it's really funny, people should catch it just for laugh. it's called "the other side of the bed", if you're interested. =P