i was watching 'journey to lethoso' on channel 8 last night and i told myself, once again, that someday i'll volunteer myself to help the people too-here, i'm talking for a short period of time. then i realised, i can actually visualise myself doing that all my life. isn't that a tat too ironic? cos up till now, i still cant visualise what i really want to be-a apparel designer? a teacher? a psychology?-these are the few options that have been popping up in my mind. yet, i cant see myself doing any of it for life. i just cant visualise myself fighting against the competitive world of fashion, or having the guts-yet-to stand in a class of 40 kids or memorising all that facts and stuff for different cases of mentality.
and then the inevitable question came to me.
why?
am i really that weak that i cant even step into fashion for abit of competition? i love to talk, i like kids, why do i have difficulty choosing teaching for a path? i'm really interested in the human mind, how people react to whatsoever, every different one's feelings, why wont i be able to take up the challenge of memorising stuff?
then why can i picture myself in some remoted, poor country, all my life?
oh but wait, i definitely dont want to do that
all my life! this, i'm completely sure of. cos the materialistic part of me will never allow that.
now there's the contradiction.
i can picture myself doing this particular thing for the rest of my life, which i already know i dont want to.
but i cant picture myself doing something, of which i'll love through my life.
maybe i should follow bruce-as in Bruce Almighty-in asking for signs in to lead me somewhere.
imagine another truckload of signs appearing for me.. *sniggers!*