efforts to surprise him with the birthday cake didnt go to waste. his efforts to cheer me up didnt either. friday evening was aimless roaming at plaza sing, after unsuccessful trips to get movie tickets. then saturday night was spent watching
something's gotta give, cos he knew comedy never fail to perk my mood. and it's his treat! oh and then, there's my new hp. =p so thank goodness i'm not spending time mopping around bout my results-sigh-



Sunday, February 29, 2004 at 4:10 PM
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she waltz confidently around the ballroom. confident, she felt like she's shining with hope of winning that night's championship. she felt she was the only one exuding the elegance and confidence no one else had. her dance ended with a round of applause and cheers. she returned to her seat, to comments from her love ones. words of encouragement, some of honest critism. with chin held high, she said, "i'm confident of winning." and brushed off any other advices for her second act. and then everything came to an end, the results are coming out. the champion is annouced-it's not her. still, she received a last consolation, which she wouldn't even give it a second glance. she suddenly felt the world closing in, her only hope for a great achievement as her only consolation in life. she didn't win, but never really lost either.
B3s-a passing grade which means you're neither stupid nor smart. ordinary perhaps, or average. a couple of it may come as a consolation. what makes 6 of it then? 18points. getting you no where, meaning you're absolutely average, or perhaps, pure dumbness-cos you dont even have any single thing you can excel in. and freak, of all things to get a b3, is the one subject you're terribly lousy in. a good improvement, it may be-one may say. but what the heck, wont you rather excel in what you usually do and sucks in that particular one? oh wait, so everyone around you shrugs and say, your results aren't bad. but hey, arent bad means it isn't good either, is it not? oh fuck, and it perhaps has got something to do with your pride. all that confidence of getting As sums to nothing. the slight mention of results, of the future, of where to step into next, brings you humbly into a shell. your confidance crumbles, and you start wondering, what if you remain that average the rest of your life? 5 years adds up to average. wont the next 2 years means you're shit? 3 years in design? oh, you dont even have the shit of a foundation. keen ineterst? yes, perhaps. but competitions no longer depends on interest. and you start wondering, do you really have the calibre? will you emerge no where, average, ordinary, again?
tears you felt like shedding wont come, cos the one who loves you alot filled your day with laughs and hope. and it's only now that you realised, he really does love you alot, despite all that insecurities you felt before. and so you vowed never to hold him in doubts again. and you better remember that.
Y Y Y
her non existence is making me empty.
his inability to understand my feelings for her is making me feel stupid, wordless.
the photos brings envy.
her words of anguish brings worries.
my pride cannot be forsaken.
my harsh words cannot be forgotten.
somethings just cannot be erased from the mind-or heart.
love doesnt just extinguish.
care still lingers over anger.
then again, anger has already dissipitated.
dissipitated-a word she taught.
the chapter cannot be closed.
the heart will not allow it so.
regrets are heartless.
drives one to our wits end.
if someone will just invent the time machine...
i'll be there to warn, to tell, to prevent.
and friday is freaking me out.
i worry more for his results than my own one. not that i'm confident of my results but more of, if i dont do well, i've quite some stuff to fall back on. but he doesnt. i worry. and thus the sleepless nights.
please, let his birthady wish come true..
Friday, February 27, 2004 at 12:47 AM
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Today's planetary energies(20th feb)
Are you worried that your romantic partner might not love you as much as you love them, IMPATIENT? Keep in mind that love has many faces. Not everybody can verbally express their love, or feel comfortable with public displays of their affection. If someone loves you, there are messages that you can see and feel. It might be how they look at you, how they touch you, little favors, etc. If you are uncertain, and need to know, why don't you just ask?
i'm wondering why am i bothering with all these horoscope junkies, but it never cease to freak me by how true the predictions are...
oh btw, i've a new job at my uncle's spectacles shop, the novena branch one. since the first day of work i've not stop thinking bout getting myself the colour contacts, the esprit clothes dowanstairs, the bags n accessories at Accessorize. darn, working is evil. LOL.
Saturday, February 21, 2004 at 12:19 AM
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i wish she could have just said she still hates.
anyway, ok, that's all.
the last chapter of a story...
Thursday, February 19, 2004 at 11:59 PM
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the lyrics of the favourite song from him..
Sammy Kershaw Love Of My Life lyrics
You are the love of my life
And you are the reason I'm alive
And baby baby baby
When I think of how you saved me
I go crazy
I've never known love like this
And it fills me with a new tenderness
And I know I know I know
You're in my heart you're in my soul
You're all I can't resist
And I need to tell you
The first time I held you
I knew you are the love of my life
I spent a lifetime waiting
Always hesitating until you
I was lost so deep inside my shell
'Til you came and saved me from myself
Now all I really know
Is I need you
And you are the love of my life
All the joy and tears that I cry
And baby baby baby
You don't have to say a word
I see it in your eyes
As we stand together
I promise forever
'Til the day that I die
You are the love of my life
I spent a lifetime waiting
Always hesitating until you
I was lost so deep inside my shell
'Til you came and saved me from myself
Now all I really know
Is I need you
You are the love of my life
You are the reason I'm alive
Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 12:28 AM
Y Y Y
ever lost something which meant alot to you? maybe a gift from a precious friend? your first love? i used to have this something i found in life. let's take it for a handphone. yup.
it brought me joy, we had fun. games that were installed to entertained me. it fights loneliness, especially when it rings with messages, with calls. it knows alot of my secrets, what i said to my friends, what i messaged..
mm, it's but a normal simple handphone. it isn't pretty like i would like it to be, it doesn't attract the attention i would have loved. it's pretty uncool.
i lost interest. and began to find faults with it. on days when i didn't need it, it started to ring for no reasons. while i'm enjoying myself, it brought me trouble. and when i finally felt sorry for myself once too often, i found no more consolence from it.
soon, a new model came out. it's coloured screen, has camera functions, and everything. a number one. love at first sight. alright alright, love after people wowed over it.
and so, i tried to find ways to lose my old handphone. lose patience with it for no reason. found more faults. finally i crashed it on the ground. once and for all, i got rid of it. i felt triumph and glad that i lost it. i felt like, i've won.
but of course, i've not. i completely lost the meaning of having a handphone. i disregard the old great times we had shared. sentiments that i've stopped caring for.
i've not gain but lost. lost comes with regrets and memories and sadness.
i still hold on to the gifts she brought me. the things we decided to buy together. our jokes. listening to all the stuff she told me of her brother, her friends, herself.
but now i'm telling myself.
it's time...
dedicating to her: I Wish You Love Lyrics by Barbra Streisand
Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends...
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say...
I wish you bluebirds in the Spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this, I wish you love!
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth, I wish you love!
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never ever be
So with my best, my very best, I set you free!
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all, but most of all...
When snowflakes fall, I wish you wealth
I wish you health...I wish you love!
goodbye...
Monday, February 16, 2004 at 11:50 PM
Y Y Y
no point telling me that she still hates me
i know that too well
and perhaps, her too
those squabbles we used to have
then the silent modes
and our blog entries
of anger, of frustrations, of tears, of memories
and then the make up
it's now that i've learnt
they're really nothing
compared to hatred
from her. of me.
why is it that those stupid verses are always true
you start to cherish what you've lost
hold it, am i cherishing it all now
i was really angry, wasn't i
i felt like i really hated her, didn't i
or it's just
the feel of holding back my pride
but deep down i know
she's one friend i should never have lost
damn it's just too late for anything
i was the miss tan she used to call
was. is. the. word.
p.s.i sure hope she gets to know the answer to her question soon
as for tk, i'm sorry i broke the promise of not visiting her blog again. it's difficult to refrain from it.
Sunday, February 15, 2004 at 11:01 PM
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Stand in front of a mirror. Strip away your daily tasks. The things you do because HAVE to. Keep stripping away at everyone's expectations of you. Take away all thoughts of obligation, responsibility, duty. Where are you? Who would you be? Without all of these trappings, would anyone know you? Would you know yourself? What is the first thing that you would do with that newfound freedom? Just asking...
Saturday, February 14, 2004 at 11:49 PM
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Lunar Valentines! haha...
last last night was the most amazing night ever. i had so much fun and enjoyed myself thoroughly. went to sentosa with him by cable car(
lan che), took monorail-with monkey jumping by!-around the small island and had Bk for dinner. then went to catch the show at musical fountain and stayed overnight at the beach...
anyway, back to musical fountain.. i've noticed there's a visible increase in the number of china people in singapore these days. all the groups of china people around us, and i felt like the odd one there, even he felt kinda embarrassed. *LOL* so anyway, we had great laughs at how this group china women gawked at two little caucasian kids. they were like, "whao.. ta men de xiao hai hao piao liang wor!"(whao.. they have beautiful children). so we went, "ta men the nai nai ye hen da wor!"(they have big boobs too!)
i have seen the musical once-the modified one, which spurts more than water over music background. thought he may like it so suggested to go. it's free anyway, which is a plus point cos of his financial difficulty. so he did quite enjoy it, i mean, who wouldn't be wowed by the fire spurting and the good collaboration of music, water and laser show? those china people were more than wowed, i must say! haha.
but yeah seriously, i'm not mocking at them. i'm just amazed and i feel that it's pretty cool that there's still these people around. people who hasn't seen enough of the world. people who still appreciates the simple pleasure of the smallest hint of new techonology. people of innocence to the newly developed areas of the world. i think they're great. and pure. and somewhat undescribeable. i know alot will never agree with what i feel about them, even he doesn't understand.
alright, anyway he burned a cd for me, compiled with love songs for me. mm, kind of a Vday's gift i guess. we're celebrating Vday before hand cos we may not be free on the day itself. yeah, pretty busy people.
still looking for that partocular song lyrics i love so much. well, it went.. "you're the love of my life..blablabla.." alright alright, will get the lyrics up as soon as i've found the full lyrics. so ya, that's my favourite song in the cd.
p.s. have i mention how amazing that night was??!
love is really amazing i tell you. just a few days before, i was having doubts about us, like what i've been questioning and telling su. she didnt give much comment but she helped by listening. it sort of sort out my thought, i think..
i was getting quite skeptical if he's really the guy for me, if i should share what i'm holding on to with him. we're kind of different-in fact, it's perfectly different. he seeks new technogy stuff which will benefit human needs. i hold on to values which means alot to different kind of people. and there are alot more differences. the list will go on and on..
but i guess, like viv told me, "opposite attracts." ha! ok, that's not quite the point. i realised, no matter out amount of differences, i still love him alot. nobody grins the way he does. nobody kisses me the way he knows. nobody hugs me with his warmth. nobody smells the way he does. and it's like, when i'm with him, differences doesnt matter after all. we just go... alright, we just love each other's company. and am i glad that i've left those fellows before him, and for the one who broke my heart before him-thank you.
if not for them, i wouldn't have known how much i'll grow to love this guy whom i once detested.
Friday, February 06, 2004 at 12:32 PM
Y Y Y
i was watching 'journey to lethoso' on channel 8 last night and i told myself, once again, that someday i'll volunteer myself to help the people too-here, i'm talking for a short period of time. then i realised, i can actually visualise myself doing that all my life. isn't that a tat too ironic? cos up till now, i still cant visualise what i really want to be-a apparel designer? a teacher? a psychology?-these are the few options that have been popping up in my mind. yet, i cant see myself doing any of it for life. i just cant visualise myself fighting against the competitive world of fashion, or having the guts-yet-to stand in a class of 40 kids or memorising all that facts and stuff for different cases of mentality.
and then the inevitable question came to me.
why?
am i really that weak that i cant even step into fashion for abit of competition? i love to talk, i like kids, why do i have difficulty choosing teaching for a path? i'm really interested in the human mind, how people react to whatsoever, every different one's feelings, why wont i be able to take up the challenge of memorising stuff?
then why can i picture myself in some remoted, poor country, all my life?
oh but wait, i definitely dont want to do that
all my life! this, i'm completely sure of. cos the materialistic part of me will never allow that.
now there's the contradiction.
i can picture myself doing this particular thing for the rest of my life, which i already know i dont want to.
but i cant picture myself doing something, of which i'll love through my life.
maybe i should follow bruce-as in Bruce Almighty-in asking for signs in to lead me somewhere.
imagine another truckload of signs appearing for me.. *sniggers!*
Wednesday, February 04, 2004 at 11:33 AM
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