i'm blogging shit. i'm just totally bored. it's late, i wana sleep. but i dont know what's gotten over me. i just feel like typing all the way here. what's my business with anita mui anyway? what the heck? i guess it's just my "no life" feeling.
have you ever brood over something, you don't intend to before?
like you've been told about something weird from someone, and you doubt that person's words. and you meant to clarify things again, but never have the chance to.. and this issue constantly turns on and off in your mind, back and forth, even when it's of no importance.. have you?
i have. and i really hate it.
like the case of the stupid dentist who told me i'd have known him. at that point i didnt feel like talking to him, so i kept quite, but after that i wondered what he meant?? and it has been bothering me for sometime, even when i know it's a totally lame thing to brood over about.
but then again, how many times have life been like this?
how we often know it's stupid to be brooding over
-our future cos eventually things will turn out fine, in a way or another.
-who's gonna stay in our life, cos it doesn't really matter, it's more of our memories with them that counts.
-what'll happen when this or that happen, cos no matter what, somehow we just find ways to embrace it well.
-the friends you've got, who's real, who's not.. cos what matters when you know you don't really have to depend on anyone in your life, except yourself.
-how long someone's gonna love you, cos if the love's true, it'll never end.
-how we sometimes wish things could have happened a different way cos how do we know it's gonna be bad if it hadn't?
i was reading through my blog, the many past entries. they consist of the insecurities i'm constantly feeling. fears. hatreds. sadness. frustrations. until the recent entires, where i just blog about the everyday stuff. there are always so many things to brood about. but eventually things always turn out fine. so why do i still brood? and even now, as i blog about this, i know this will be something that i'll never stop doing. is this what life is? or what's this really?
people blog for different reasons. private journals, public journals, bitching sessions, thoughts, to venge anger, to seek refuge, to put down feelings.. i dont really like it when this someone mentioned how she detest people who blogs about how they'd spent the day shopping or whatever. how do you define blogging anyway? and seriously, it's so not her business what they do with their blog right? i meant no offense, but i guess it's ok, cos i've fallen out with her.
what i'm saying is, i realised how sometimes i wished to blog about simply what i did for the day or just about anything silly or stupid or lame, and i simply had to changed the way to write cos of the eyes that roam the blog. i really hate this feeling of fearing what people may think of me. that's why i really admire faye. she has no care at all about what others think of her, simply love her guts. but how many of us can be like that?
i want to be independent. but i hate loneliness. i want to care less bout what people think of me. but it bothers me that someone dislikes me. i want to live a life for myself. but there are so many love ones i cant let down.
why is life constantly about doubts? fear? insecurities? or is it just me?
and when i look on again, all sums up to emptiness and everything fades into nothingness except the present that we live for.
and i know, this wont be the last time i question myself..