i realised..
i realised that she's human after all.
all she wanted was a friend, a best friend for herself.
to be shared with no one else.
i have been through that phrase.
that phrase of hoping for someone to share my secrets with.
that someone to be there for and to be able to lean on.
and somehow thinking that we will be friends, forever and ever.
i'm through that though.
now i just want to appreciate whoever is here, right now.
but i still know how it feels.
the feeling so raw to me.
how it feels when i lost the best friend i wish would be.
you.
jealousy.insecurities.distrusts.selfishness.
and then greedy for more.
don't cos you're making things worst.
when two friends get together, naturalness is important.
don't force. don't seek.
appreciate what is there for you now.
if there is more to it,
they will come;
if things are yours,
they will be,
no matter what.
and with that, i want to apologize.
sorry about the way i said about you in my previous entry.
i realised what i said above applies to me too.
don't force. don't seek.
it is ironical how i had indirectly caused things to happen between him n me.
and then to realise,
as long as i can be with him,
it is more than enough.
no need for all that promises for our future,
it's now that counts.
it's now i'm enjoying,
i'm savouring the happiness,
not the future i'm looking forward to.
i just hope it's not too late to understand all these now.
human nature, the need to seek for more.
to gain something and then hope for more,
unable to see how suffocating it may be to the other person.
and then when you do,
sometimes,
it's too late.
human nature, the feeling of insecurity.
unable to see where yourself is standing,
afraid to lose footing and lose it all.
so scared that you scare others away,
more than you are scared.
human nature, the constant unpreventable mistakes we make.
unable to foresee the future.
and then to do things on impulse,
and not being able to consider the consequences just yet.
mistakes, the source of regrets.
then, i realised too,
it's never too late.
never too late to refrain from repeating my mistakes.
never too late to regain my footing to prevent myself from falling.
never too late to start things all over again.
never too late...
i realised i'm in a bad situation now,
whereby i'm afraid of taking one wrong step to lose it all again.
is it just the natural of feeling of insecurity?
or should i say i'm really in trouble?
analise it..
problem: i have 2 different groups of friends. who doesn't get along, or haven't have the chance to.
group 1: especially close with one(A). i know the both of us have been very careful with each other. i definitely don't want to let this slip away again. it happened twice, no more, please.
group 2: the one person(B) in this group whom i had once thought we'll make a pair of best friends that will last forever. i don't want to lose her friendship too. and i don't want our friendship to be nothing more than classmates.
thoughts: i treasure both friendships, alot. to what extent i don't know, i just know it's enough to set me worrying of losing them. i don't want people to think that i'm merely using them, jumping from one to another when one or the other isn't free.(but to hell to those people who thinks that way) ok, so i'm afraid that either one of them may think that way.
problem2: sometimes our outings clash. so what can i do? if i chose to go to one, the other will be left out. not that either one of them lack of friends, it's... i don't know how to explain.
thoughts2: what the hell am i writing?? duh!
maybe i imagined too much? i hope i'm.
i'm afraid. i'm worried.
i don't want any help from anyone.
i just need someone to understand.
understand where i stand, how i feel.
someone advice me, teach me.
i need,
someone who will be to foresee the future;
to tell me and warn me,
each time i'm about to lose my footing again.
so that i can believe and see for myself,
friendships do last,
even if it's requires the painful way.
something nice to share:
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more
things or more money in order to do more of what they want so they will be
happier. The way it actually works is in reverse. You must first be who you
really are, then do what you need to do in order to have what you want."
~ Margaret Young