too many regrets. too many mistakes. no more strength to keep going on.
no reason to not let dreams slip away. too hard to go on.
no reason to go on. pointless. it's all so pointless. everything. pointless. empty.
OK, so this phrase : "
i really feel like dying" has been hanging around me, more times than it should even be heard, lately.
But i really thought about killing myself when i said it. i've been thinking about it more lately than ever.
Maybe a little too close...but no, i wouldn't kill myself, i'm too logical, too.. i don't know.. that's, i won't bring myself to repeat my mistake.
Not that i think/believe i can really, really hold on that much; any longer, just that i guess i can't let the people around me down again.
There is nothing worth killing myself over. Mistakes, regrets, they're all in the past.
Can't beat myself up for things i may have done, i can't change them.
"
Killing myself is a selfish way out." Or is it really? cos since when did i live purely for other people's enjoyment of my company? - doesnt really make sense.
Suicide is a very complex subject. guess i dont think i would call suicide cases 'selfish'...
Although there are understandable extreme's to people's different situations. suicide, is may be a way out...
But somehow i cant really decide whether its an 'easy' way out. what kind of determined mindset do you have to be in to decide that... and go through with it?
We've all thought about killing ourselves at some point in our lives. some to greater extents than others. but its the silent ones that should worry one.
Thought it was unfair of you to have judged me that way, wallowing in self-pity?
Do you really know how i feel, or that's, what i'm going through?
Yeah, it isn't really that great a thing, i mean, compared to those other suffering souls out there- people who live in hunger, insecurites, wars, etc..
But still, i felt like shit these days.. or maybe i'm..
It was unfair of you to have condemned me that way.. what do you expect, to have me really jump off a building then you'd take me seriously?
I've nothing to gain. why should i have?
There are alot of things i feel about you, but some i'd rather leave it unsaid.
No offense that i'm entering this as my blog. this was about what have been going through my mind of late. i can't just sit back and shut up anymore.
Today sucks too..
Woke up in the morning and coughed out blood. Accumulated in my throat from the nose bleed in the middle of the night. which about means the thing i went through for my nose didn't work.
Felt better after i dropped by 7-eleven to buy this packet of M&Ms-peanuts for nessie, at least i've i can something to feel good about, to look forward to when i pass it to her.
Later in the day, much things happened.. my friendships, like my life, are almost down the drains... but never mind, i can't change that anymore. just have to move on...
And he finally messaged me again. perhaps it was all the things accumulated in a day, i kinda had the last straw. still can't believe i actually read his messages and squatted by the roadside and cried. guess i was being over-emotional or something.. whatever~!
Hate it when people ake me so vulnerable, especially him. hate it even more, when i use hostility to deal with hurts..
Didn't think of dying today though. tired of even thinking about it, no point. life's tough. i'll just have to see it as a challenge for me to keep up with it.