how do i explain myself?
how do i tell him what really happen, how it really happened?
how do i explain, in a way that i can make him understand, but at the same time, not seem as though i'm denying what i did?
what can i say or do?
i really don't know..
for the short period of time, as i sat there and let him say what he has got to say, i so felt like "bursting"-erupting..? felt like explaining to him. but i saw no point. when he already believe it that way, and felt that way about me, there's nothing i can do. and even if i can bring myself to try to explain, how?? how do i explain??
we're living in a world of deception.
we choose to believe things only our eyes see, but not what our heart feel about it.
we are often caught in a situation whereby, if we don't explain things, people continue to believe it they way they did.
but if we start explaining, we find ourselves proving the person right about what he/she felt-tehy'd think, why bother to explain when you're not wrong.
or what's worse still, is that, we made that person felt as though we were pushing all blames or denying where we wrong.
sometimes i wonder, why bother about what people feel about me? why care about what they seem to think? we have only ourselves to answer to anyway.
and i know why. it's the friendships with these people we cherish, that we don't want it damaged in any way.
don't want them to go on believing things which were not true. or not forgive and forget the mistakes we made.
and i later find myself thinking: is what i'm doing now right? fearing that if i make any wrong moves, all the things that i have now will be gone..
then i decided, this world is not for me. i'd gladly reside to my own world of loneliness than risking myself to be hurt again.
no strings attached. no feelings involved.
i have my laughter and some fun.
and if i find that i'm going in too deep, i withdraw.
thus, i come and go as i please.
what a wonderful thought.
that's just so not me.