for the half an hour as we sat there in uneasy silence, i debated with myself whether i should just pick my things up and go.
no, i decide i can't.
for perhaps by doing so, i'll be leaving, stepping out of this special relationship we share. cutting off this thin string that's still holding us together, after what had just happened.
" there is something special about us ", you said that more than once. and you prmoised i'll be your forever friend in this life, no matter what.
i dowana give up so easily this time. you're all that i want.
i've no courage to step away from you, into the cold hard world, alone. not now.
you're the only one who'd always tried to stand by me, in some ways. (even if you hadn't meant that way, just at least let me believe it)
you understand me well, flaws and all.
i can't go now, not when i'm feeling just so vulnerable. i need you. can you see, can you tell? or are you just still too angry to care?
no, i just can't walk away from you. not right now. not after all those stuff we've been through...
Your all that i want
when lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven
We're in heaven
thinking about how young i was
it was only you and we
we were young and wild and free
now nothing can take you away from me
we were down that road before
that's over now
comin back for more
baby you're all that I want
when you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to belive we're in Heaven
and loving is all that i need
when i'm finally there in your heart
it isn't too hard to see
we're in heaven
we're in heaven
now nothing can change what you mean to me
there's a lot that I can take
but just hold me now
baby your all that i want
when you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven
your loving is all that i need
when i'm finally there in you're heart
it isn't to hard to see
we're in heaven
now my dreams are coming true
for the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you
we're in heaven
Your loving is all that i need
when i'm finally there in your heart
it isn't too hard to see we're in heaven
oh oh oh woh oh oh
Wednesday, April 30, 2003 at 8:44 PM
Y Y Y
a quote by Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg trials, 1946 (from Nuremberg Diary, by G. M. Gilbert):
"Of course the people don't want war ..... That is understood. But ..... it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
Y Y Y
don't know what to say, don't know what to do, don't know what to think, don't know what to feel...
don't know how to say, don't know how to do, don't know how to think, don't know how to feel...
teach me, teach me, teach me... don't forget the promise u made to me...
Y Y Y
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
nevermind
Y Y Y
"Happy comes from the word "happenstance" and depends mostly on the situation
you're in at that moment. "Joy" is its deeper shade and is entirely dependent on
your own personal attitude. Happiness comes and goes. Joy is yours forever,
should you choose to own it. Others can make your life unhappy, but no one can
steal your joy, unless you let them."
Tuesday, April 29, 2003 at 7:02 PM
Y Y Y
i don't know how or why i'd actually got myself involved and thus now, in this shit i'm in. i hate it. i hate u. thought i could count on you to understand, even when everyone else doesn't. but u let me down. never mind, maybe i'm really expecting too much. who am i to u anyway. your friend's more important. go n understand him. not me. i don't care, not now, not ever.. i start to doubt about things, things i once thought of you. maybe your promise is also a fake. but like i said, never mind, i'll pick up on things pretty soon, and then i'll be on my way to move on again.
on my bright day: "even if don't, you'll be my friend forever in this life." ~~ "we might as well be strangers." :a shadow casted over my world
never ever going to trust anyone again..
Monday, April 28, 2003 at 9:47 PM
Y Y Y
feels good to be the one ignoring, than the one being ignored!! i don't wana believe in the rubbish she's feeding me with anymore.
how do i know what she told me is true, and what's not?! can't believe she'd still deny something she did do, and even tried to brush it off as me being the one who was shooting accusations! "say whatever you want lorz.." she said. Ha! feel like laughing out in her face.
i don't confront people with no proof, mind you. or do you simply need me to drag them out?
nothing to say about this? so don't go pulling out other matters to try defend yourself, it gets you no where.
the dreams we once shared, the silly jokes that only we understand, all that funny jibes we shoot at one another. how i've missed them. but darn, i dowana give a damn anymore. it's time i stop dwelling on this meaningless friendship and just move on. well, i'd be glad to say that if you don't appreciate me, there are others who'll.. or maybe not? but who cares... you hurt me, deep, you know that!?
ps. my mao needs a rest anyway.
Your Daily Horoscope for April 28, 2003
Dear IMPATIENT,
In navigating the seas of your emotional life, IMPATIENT, you may feel as though you have made a great effort over the past month. You have been available and conciliatory, and have done your best to maintain harmony. With today's celestial energy, you feel a yen for more spontaneity. It seems the enterprising and reckless Aries has returned!
Y Y Y
and i was all alone
and i am always alone
always on the outside.
people whispering on the right
groups of friends playing on the left
girls blabbing about meaningless things behind me.
everyone in pairs
with me in the middle
all alone
not fitting into anyone's world
anyone's reality
just all alone
quiet
trying to be invisible
watching. listening
outside, on the outside
and always alone.
am i superhuman enough now
to be human?
will you judge me?
can i be myself?
i truely understand
but i can't find anyone to understand
Sunday, April 27, 2003 at 3:08 PM
Y Y Y
"I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me
somebody."
~ Louis L'Amour
Y Y Y

You are 'hitohira no jiyuu' by Glay!
Which sad j-rock song are you? brought to you by Quizilla
Y Y Y
The Trouble Tree
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work & his electric drill quit, his ancient one ton truck refused to start. As I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. Upon opening the door he had undergone an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do at the little tree.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
Y Y Y
This was meant for 25th april...
Your Daily Horoscope for April 25, 2003
Dear IMPATIENT,
Things are apt to get a bit difficult in your romantic life because of someone in the partnership who is not necessarily taking a very realistic approach to the whole situation, IMPATIENT. There is a bit of a power play going on, thanks to someone who is trying to throw their weight around without really taking the other person's feelings into consideration. Tension is brewing, so you would be wise to deal with it now.
how true... sometimes these stuff can be so true, kinda scare me...
Saturday, April 26, 2003 at 11:03 PM
Y Y Y
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! not talking about you guys, you over-sensitive fools... don't understand why is it that you guys can keep saying that you're not wrong and stuff, but you guys get all concious about things i said where i didn't even want to give a damn anymore! argh..! get a life!
Y Y Y
scared like crazy... operation(or whatever it's) is tomorrow, don't know what's gona happene to my nose.. argh! hope, pray, don't turn out like MJ's! hahax..
Y Y Y
"Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still
untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born."
Y Y Y
had this dream last night.
was falling and falling in this mass of blackness, and everyone around me was some sort of chanting : YOU! YOU! YOU! it's so stupid, yet so scary and so real.
somehow, i seemed to also know i'm dreaming at that time. but no matter how hard i willed myself to wake up, i can't! then i just suddenly like, "jerk awake" and i was perspiring all over and gasping for breathe. like i had been running. then i realised, i wasn't really falling and falling in the blackness, i was kind of running.
all in all, the dream really scared me.
haven't had this dream since quite long ago. remember the last time i had it, a few days later i did something which i almost costed my life. dreams can really be weird and mysterious. both times when i had this dream, i felt like the world was closing upon me, like everything out there had turned so bad, there's nothing i can do. and i just felt like dying, ending this little miserable life of mine. death, what a quick yet irresponsible way of ending all troubles. and the dumbest way too. but sometimes, no matter how many times had i told myself sternly, never ever to think of repeating that mistake of mine again, these stern resolutions just flew out of the window when there's a real need.
so many times i wish life can have this "delete" key. whenever something i had done had turned out all wrong, and i wish i hadn't done that, i can just hit that key and ~blam! a brand new life! the dumb things i did, the wrong(s), the regretful(s), the stupidity(s)- the what we call mistakes. do people realy learn from mistakes and refrain from them? can people forgive and forget a mistake when someone else made it? mistakes, mistakes.. man's weakest point?
Sunday, April 20, 2003 at 6:44 PM
Y Y Y
something to keep youself entertained for awhile...
http://b3ta.com/femaleorshemale3/##
Y Y Y
Suffocation Breathless, Hollow Inconsequential, Sucide Death.. Escape Happiness
Friday, April 18, 2003 at 8:41 PM
Y Y Y
On the return trip from Compass Point yesterday, I had felt immensely lonely. Normally I love traveling in the bus alone. I love the feeling of knowing I’m going somewhere, that I’ve a destination, and the fact that i'm alone makes me feel that i'm self-dependent. For those short moments in the bus, I feel like all the cars going by, everyone had a place to go, something to do. But yesterday was different, I felt all alone, I know no one else out there, but everyone else out there seem to know someone. I hate that kind of feeling, and perhaps i do know why I am feeling that way.
I’ve been losing a lot of friends. Friends who meant a lot to me. It’s so ironical that I’d managed to make everyone angry with me, when I’d tried so hard to be a nice person. Perhaps I tried too hard. *LOL* I always tell myself how everyone else’s opinion of me isn’t important, what matters is that I know I‘m right, that I only have to be answerable to my own actions. But perhaps it’s just human that one doesn’t like to be dimmed the social outcast, to be misunderstood of their characters., etc.. I simply don’t like the feeling of knowing that someone out there hates me, someone out there held unjust opinions of me. Sometimes I can picture, when I die, all the people around me will be there rejoicing over my death. What a scary thought.
Maybe I think and worry too much. But it’s still a fact that friends are constantly entering and leaving my life. No one stays. I fear that when I’m old and I look back on my past, all I have are memories of people leaving me. Fuck, why the hell do I always worry so much??! *Shudders* I hate it especailly when people tell me, there's no suck thing as an everlasting friendship. I beg to differ from that opinion. I know that if we can just try, somehow, sometime, we'd all be able to find everlasting friendships. There is only person who actually believe in me that i'd be able to have everlasting friendship, and I love him for that. (Thanks for believing in me, if you're reading this.)
Y Y Y
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lives for those who cry,
those who hurt,
those who have searched,
and those who have tried,
for only they can ppreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,
you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Thursday, April 17, 2003 at 2:14 PM
Y Y Y

You are normal. Lucky little you
What Self-Mutilation Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Monday, April 14, 2003 at 7:49 PM
Y Y Y
friday night nana came and stay over. had lots and lots and lots of... fun? no, not really... just felt that we seemed to have touched each other's heart or something? i don't know...actually wanted to do some hard core studying and rush of homework, ended up in front of the computer instead. had a couple of laughs and then some disappointments when today's outing was postponed!(and of cos when sour grapes let us down again)
mom was kind of an ass(sorry for saying that about my own mom, ya, but she really was)... tk n nana shared same sentiments about her: she's not very mature! anyway, shan't go into that today. just that she did somethings which made the stay over not that great, really felt sorry and embarrassed(nana)...
but it's okay, cos the both of us went up to my room and decided to mug through the night or something. but i was too upset with the couple of stuff that happened:
-outing postponed
-sour grapes let us down(some great fren)
-jealous and petty over something(disappointments too!)
-my mom
so i was like, poured out my anguish, and felt really grateful that someone was there to listen.. thanx lots nana, love ya! then we talked throughout the night and fell asleep at around 6am(coz i was reali tired dn! =p )
after the 'pour-out' and abit of tears, felt amazingly better. best was that someone i feel close to, was actually there with me!(and she didn't cried to go home..hahax..)
thanx again, nana... luv ya n *hugx*
Saturday, April 12, 2003 at 10:58 PM
Y Y Y
To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face
To greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains
To approach my work with a clean mind
To hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things, the Ultimate Purpose toward which I am working
To meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart
To be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours
To approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep and the joy that comes from work well done
-- this is how I desire to waste wisely my days
Y Y Y

STUDENTS DRINKING
You're a novelty sign. You like to joke around,
and most likely are one of the intoxicated
college students, this sign is talking about.
You're the life of the party, and when you're
around, everyone has a good laugh.
What's Your Sign? brought to you by Quizilla
Y Y Y
Y Y Y
frankly speaking, i was in some kind of dilemma when i put the sticker pic and make that comment. after all both sides are my friends. yeah, sort of larx... dowana say i'm caught in the middle or what, coz i'm not. i mean face reality, i know deep down myself which side can really be my real, true friends. but that's not the point i guess...
i still remember there was this period of time when this group of people(guess, dey juz noe hu dey'r!) whom i called(or tot) good friends, outcasted me and did some stuff behind my back. maybe it was something about me, maybe it's something about them, or maybe it's just how life's like(sux?).. dunno.. but it's something i won't ever forget.
-wrote ulgy messages to one another about me, while managing to write me some "sweet" ones
-tricked me into some kinda confession stuff and spreading around
-stuff, just stuff... (n even later, dey juz did tingx outright 2 leme noe...)
i mean, how can people be so mean? look at ourselves, and at others, what difference do you really see? yes, i know, like some are pretty, some are not and that kinda stuff.. but whoever made us, made us the way we're, out of the facade that many of us put upon ourselves, we're nothing but humans-we're one.
well, newayz who am i to say these things ritez? i mean, i do admit that there are some times when i was quite mean too, like when i made mean comments and stuff about people.. i guess that's just human ba.. but just that one should not go all out, you know, to the extreme to hurt others so much... sometimes, it just makes me wonder, is there nothing better to do then to device such plans just to make one's day lousy.
but anyway, i'm telling things that not many people know, especially people whom i've made friends with since last year. when i got retained and my other friends got promoted, i just sort of let these bad memories go with them ba... i don't how people may feel towards all these that i've said, towards all these that they've learnt bout me, but i guess i couldn't care less? newayz, it's when i got to know these new friends laz year, that i got to realise how shallow i've, and they've been...erMx like, people like matthew, he was once an outcast among alot of people, people just made mean jokes about him(ya, me too..), teased him and stuff... but now, in 4e5, it seems like practically everyone loves him. and i also found out that, he's very nice also... and i felt like, shitx...
anyway, to the person(let's juz call him/her A) i'm trying to bring this message across to(and perhaps the many others who also have their silent lousy times), life's not about what others think of you or what they do to you. if people let you down, just tell yourself: nvm, i cn get tru tis.. and just move on! i learnt my lesson not to judge people by it's cover and stuff, and also this thing i came across in comic: when there's nothing good about someone, don't say anything. yea, sometimes it's easier said then done, but im trying... but anyway, i've something nice to say about A, he/she has got really realy nice eyes! wish i've them coz mine are like.. ya, shitx! perhaps those people'll also learn theirs sooner or later... but, it doesn't benefit anyone else, but themselves...
lastly, something i really like:
"Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we
are different that each of us is special. Do not set your goals by what other
people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Do not take for
granted the things closest to your heart - cling to them as you would your life,
for without them, life is meaningless."
from "A Creed to Live By" by Nancye Sims
Thursday, April 10, 2003 at 11:25 PM
Y Y Y
my friends... and they do not have half (or shld i sae 1/1000000-infinity) the lan jiao bin, which the REAL lan jiao bin said about them! yea~!
Y Y Y
wEnt over +o n3ssa's, realLy glaD +Hings aRe okAy noW! don't exactly know how she's feeling about the whole thing right now, but at least she ain't sorta ignoring me or stuff any more! haiz, really don't wish to have another friend losing her trust in me!! really thought i'd go out of my mind or something when... okay, guess should just put it behind for awhile...
sometimes, the feelings we feel in friendships can be weird... thought for a moment my world seemed to have dimmed and stuff, then suddenly it's all bright and cheery and...... argh~! okay, stop!
yea, just glad that things seemed to be over now le ba... really appreciate her fer helping me with my blog... love it! (yupez, n thanxie lotx too, hawa!) (nesSa: oPpx! i'm usInG thoSe worDs agaIn! haHa...)
Wednesday, April 09, 2003 at 11:09 PM
Y Y Y

your asshole.
What swear word are you? brought to you by Quizilla
....... A Friend....
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust wants to be with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
Y Y Y